I'm Changing from a Shpitzel to a Sheitel

amother

↑ Starflower

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 10:36 pm

amother Jade wrote:

Others do not understand why the mil is so devastated and so on. I agree it should've been in the chassidish velt.

I am not Chassidish and may not fully understand the dynamics of changing headgear, but similar things like this happen in the Litvish world all the time. If a child; be it a preteen/ teen/ married veers from their parents path (I am not talking OTD) it can be a stigma to the parents. It goes without question that these parents should continue loving and respecting their child, without any ulterior motives. Parents (myself included) sometimes don’t realize that at some point, children create their own path of life that may or may not mimic their parents. It is not a personal offense to the parents or a failure on their part. A very healthy and loving relationship can still be maintained within colorful families.

amother

Ivory ↓

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 10:37 pm

Op- as a mother and mother inlaw of 5 very different couples I am telling you: your shalom bayis and happiness is the most important thing in the world. Ignore the rantings and shower them with positive energy. Pictures of the kids. Messages on special occasions. Smile, nod and change the subject to something else they can talk about like the latest recipe or some chessed that they are volunteering for. (do not discuss family simchos because that will bring about the banshee wailing) Make it very clear that when they are with you the subject of headgears or anything related to levush or derech is not a subject. It might take time but if they love you and their grandkids they will come around. If chas vechalila not- then it will be their loss.
You have guidance from your rav, the support of you wonderful husband and your confidence. You got this.

Peersupport

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 10:37 pm

Send the jewelry back and put on the Sheitel.

Tell your mil in a kind manner that this isn't a topic you will be discussing with her anymore.

She cannot put her heavy feelings on you.
She can find someone else to vent to.

You did yours by informing her, and her reaction and her feelings are not your responsibility.

↑ wrkngmomof2 ↓

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 10:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

She didn't demand it from me when I got married. It's the downgrade in tznius that bothers her.

Is it tznius or minhag?
And why destroy people over a chumra? It is mind boggling how sometimes chumras somehow become more important than Halacha.

metz

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 10:49 pm

Op.. I changed from a very frum hat to a simple short band.. had a family simcha and just arrived with my new head gear Noone knew before.. my mom was very shocked and she started saying bad words too me in mid table. I just told her me and my husband decided I should change and we even asked a ruv.. she was not happy at all....
Best thing I did is that I didn't tell anyone before I changed

amother

Jean

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 11:00 pm

(You asked what to do about your MIL.
My answer?
...Take the expensive jewelry and then switch to a shaitel that you, your husband, your therapist, and your rav decided is right for you.)

amother

Papaya

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 11:03 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

So best would be if you ask 3 rabanim, as suggested above, so you'll feel you're doing the right thing. [b]

Why the need for three rabbanim in the first place?
AFAIK one needs three rabbanim to be matir neder on a neder s/he made in order to annul the neder.
Unless OP made a neder that she will wear a shpitzel her entire life and never change that headgear she is not required to seek annulment.

amother

↑ Vanilla ↓

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 11:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

I know I'm doing the right thing. That was not my question. Maybe I should ask 700 rabbanim to please every single skeptic in my community as well? It's ridiculous. 'Ask my Rav or you're doing it wrong' is such an infantile approach to anything.

I don't suggest 700 rabanim, jmvho

amother

↑ Vanilla ↓

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 11:24 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

Actually asking three rabbanim may be assur, if you ask a rav you can’t go rav shopping for other advice.

3 rabonim isn't going rav shopping. It's just asking daas Torah, not a halacha shaila

amother

↑ Vanilla ↓

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 11:27 pm

Raizle wrote:

This is ridiculous. She asked dass Torah, that's enough. You aren't meant to go Rabbi shopping. Where did 3 rabbonim idea come from?

Again that's NOT a halacha question!!

amother

↑ Vanilla

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 11:28 pm

amother Lightblue wrote:

To the poster that wrote a list of daas Torah to consult with , u made my blood boil!
You’re no different than her parents , just adding to the control which she so desperately needs to get away from !!!!

Hope your blood isn't boiling anymore, actually WHY did it boil?

amother

Olive

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 11:46 pm

Please do what was decided with the therapist and rabbi. I had a similar situation and I’ll tell you that this might take a while for them to get used to it but with time it will diminish (hopefully). you should feel no guilt doing what you’re doing because this is right for you to do. Please stay strong for you , your husband and family…. We as sisters are here for you and cheering you on…

amother

↑ Wheat

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 11:48 pm

Op I'm impressed with your level of daas torah. You didn't just make a change but you asked daas torah. Ashrecha. Please ignore your mil. Walk around her politely. Hopefully this,will all boil over soon. If it doesn't it's really her prob not yours.
News is old news quickly. Everyone else will drop the topic shortly . These personal changes don't stay news for long.

amother

↑ Petunia ↓

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 11:59 pm

For the record, there's daas torah and there's daas torah.

Since we don't know whom they asked, we can't be impressed when a chassidish couple downgrades a levush. I can understand emotionally where you are coming from and can validate your decision, but throwing in "we asked daas torah" doesn't add up to much, if the daas torah isn't one accepted in the chassidish community.

Sorry op, it must be a roller coaster for you.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 25 2024, 12:00 am

Raizle wrote:

OP, I've been so busy answering the chutzpenyaks I haven't given you my pennys worth on your situation.

You are doing all the right things. You have your husband's support, your therapist and your Rov!

I think this is a very important step for you. They will get over it. Yes they may be hurt in the beginning but that's ok. They can choose to feel whatever they feel but that's not on you. You aren't responsible for their feelings.
In time it will lessen, they will get over it and the control they have been having over you will be weaker.

You are not only doing what you want but also what your husband wants and sholom bayis comes first.

You can do this!

Thank you! I couldn't have answered the chutzpenyaks so well Smile

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 25 2024, 12:02 am

metz wrote:

Respect! I think for me this approach wouldn't work because the change I'm making is a lot more drastic.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 25 2024, 12:04 am

amother Olive wrote:

Thanks love Heart

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 25 2024, 12:06 am

amother Petunia wrote:

Again, I'm not going to share who we consulted but suffice is to say that my MIL consults him too when she has an issue.