I'm Changing from a Shpitzel to a Sheitel

amother

Starflower ↓

Yesterday at 10:08 pm

It is likely that your MIL views you as an extension of herself and therefor might consider herself a failure when people see that you’ve “downgraded” to a Shaitel. Without knowing her personally, it’s hard to know if her reactions come from a place of feeling embarassment among her circles, or if she truly believes that you do not look tznius in your Shaitel. Maybe it’s both. It’s so hard to navigate this, especially since you’ve been so supportive of her in the past. I would recommend that you continue being extremely respectful toward her with other things, but without compromising on your new change. Perhaps the way you conduct yourself day to day can be a proof to her that your other values have not changed; your hashkafos have not “downgraded” along with your new headgear. Hatzlacha!

amother

↑ Vanilla ↓

Yesterday at 10:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

Exactly. Its not about the sheitel making me happy - when you make major life decisions only to get the approval of others it'll get you depressed.

So best would be if you ask 3 rabanim, as suggested above, so you'll feel you're doing the right thing. [b]

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 10:11 pm

amother Starflower wrote:

That's a very accurate assessment. My MIL also knows her son (she remembers what he told her...) and feels like an utter failure that she couldn't mold him into the person she wanted him to be.

amother

Hunter ↓

Yesterday at 10:13 pm

Where in the world did this three rabbanim business come from? It’s traditional to ask a rav for advice. Asking three rabbanim sounds kind of made up.

OP, remember the depression you went through, remember all the hard work you’ve done since then. You’ve built yourself into a stronger and healthier person and you’ve benefited your marriage tremendously! And changing your hair covering now is part of the process, recommended by people who are experts and know your situation well. Compared to all those benefits, you can handle your mil reaction. In your head keep repeating a line “this so for the best for me and DH and our marriage” or something like that. And prepare a line for mil too “this is what I/we decided, the rav agrees, I hear you and love you and this decision is final.”

Hatzlacha rabbah! You are doing something very good and positive!

amother

↑ Forestgreen

Yesterday at 10:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's a very accurate assessment. My MIL also knows her son (she remembers what he told her...) and feels like an utter failure that she couldn't mold him into the person she wanted him to be.

You have to keep in mind she’s toxic in that she needs to control people. Take a step back realize she’s not healthy and move forward with what you know is right.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 10:14 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

So best would be if you ask 3 rabanim, as suggested above, so you'll feel you're doing the right thing. [b]

I know I'm doing the right thing. That was not my question. Maybe I should ask 700 rabbanim to please every single skeptic in my community as well? It's ridiculous. 'Ask my Rav or you're doing it wrong' is such an infantile approach to anything.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 10:15 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

Thank you for the kind words! Heart

amother

↑ Bisque

Yesterday at 10:18 pm

I also think that you should reach out to three rabonim and say all of the above to them. - Such as: Reb Leibish, Toldos Aharon Rebbe, R' Shlomo Leib Weinberger, R' Yaakov Meyer Shechter, R' Aizek Spinker, or someone like this.[/quote]

I know of a story where reb Hershele spinker encouraged someone to change into a sheitel for shalom bayis. You don’t know the full picture. (Neither do I, but I know well enough not to judge)
If op asked daas Torah, all she needs from us is encouragement.
If you can’t bring yourself to it, just don’t.

amother

↑ Starflower ↓

Yesterday at 10:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's a very accurate assessment. My MIL also knows her son (she remembers what he told her...) and feels like an utter failure that she couldn't mold him into the person she wanted him to be.

I so feel you on this. I think it’s because a MIL and DIL are both women. The son is a man and cannot represent her; therefore the MIL needs the DIL to be the one to fill that role. This puts a lot of pressure on DILs. As hard as it sounds, I think you need to fight her pain and her devastation with kindness. She can’t have anything against you when you are being kind and respectful. Sounds way easier than it is to implement, and obviously ask your therapist for advice on when you feel boundaries need to be made. Hugs!

↑ Raizle ↓

Yesterday at 10:19 pm

amother Jade wrote:

Others do not understand why the mil is so devastated and so on. I agree it should've been in the chassidish velt.

I don't think this is just about that though. The husband had specifically told his parents he didn't want his wife to wear a shpitzel and they disregarded his wishes and influenced her to wear it.

I think this is more about relationships and boundaries then anything.
Both sets of parents need to have boundaries set in place regardless of their reasons for being devastated.

To begin with there were unhealthy dynamics in both relationships and keeping her post in a forum where many more people are likely to project their personal beliefs on to her rather then address the relationship issues is not an appropriate forum or fair to impose on her.

She needs advice from people who see the issue for what it is and are not blinded by their ideology that it's a tznius issue

amother

Cantaloupe

Yesterday at 10:21 pm

amother Burlywood wrote:

Wow, this sounds so heavy and overwhelming.
You sound like an incredible person.

How will you feel in 5 years if you go ahead with switching to the sheitel?
How about if you keep wearing the shpitzel?

I think this is a very valid question that you need to answer before proceeding either direction.

Some background: all my in laws wear a very covered style while I wear a longer more beautiful sheital. This is what my husband wants and this is what his wife shall wear.

I say this to you because even tho I started out with it in sheva brachos I can still feel the pinch when sitting with them at a simcha or whatnot and I feel like the odd one that everyone and anyone can point to. But then again, I remind myself that this is what works for us.

Just know that you will have moments questioning your decision either way. Make sure that you know the reason well enough before you jump so as not to feel guilty or upset once done.

Hatzlacha

↑ Raizle ↓

Yesterday at 10:23 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

So best would be if you ask 3 rabanim, as suggested above, so you'll feel you're doing the right thing. [b]

This is ridiculous. She asked dass Torah, that's enough. You aren't meant to go Rabbi shopping. Where did 3 rabbonim idea come from?

amother

Lightblue

Yesterday at 10:24 pm

To the poster that wrote a list of daas Torah to consult with , u made my blood boil!
You’re no different than her parents , just adding to the control which she so desperately needs to get away from !!!!

↑ Raizle ↓

Yesterday at 10:25 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

Actually asking three rabbanim may be assur, if you ask a rav you can’t go rav shopping for other advice.

Exactly!!
I just wrote that before I read your post.
I always learnt you can't ask again.
The one time I felt my rov was lacking understanding of an issue, I asked him outright for permission to speak to a more expert rov overseas and he agreed

b.chadash

Yesterday at 10:29 pm

Op, you got a lot of good advice here.
I have nothing to add except to say you sound like an amazing, smart, sensitive, authentic woman who will go far in life.
It's very hard to disappoint others, but they will get past it. Eventually they will come to accept that you are your own person.
Hatzlacha!

↑ Raizle ↓

Yesterday at 10:31 pm

OP, I've been so busy answering the chutzpenyaks I haven't given you my pennys worth on your situation.

You are doing all the right things. You have your husband's support, your therapist and your Rov!

I think this is a very important step for you. They will get over it. Yes they may be hurt in the beginning but that's ok. They can choose to feel whatever they feel but that's not on you. You aren't responsible for their feelings.
In time it will lessen, they will get over it and the control they have been having over you will be weaker.

You are not only doing what you want but also what your husband wants and sholom bayis comes first.

You can do this!

wrkngmomof2 ↓

Yesterday at 10:35 pm

I have a lot of experience with being a people pleaser and avoiding confrontations. I have had experiences with my parents advising something other than what my husband wanted, and situations where comments about me were made by my MIL who was chasidish while I, a Bais Yaakov girl (Nebuch).
I am 44 years old bh and I grieve the years that I was just trying to make everyone happy and approve of me. The amount of pain and suffering I went through, my husband went through and my children went through can never be undone.
I learned the hard way that the most important people in my life are my spouse and my children. They will be there at the end of the day, they will deal, and did deal with any and all consequences when I fall apart.
Don’t make the same mistakes as me and try to impress others at the cost of your own health and happiness. Really. It’s not what the Torah says either. It clearly says that a woman will leave her parents home and go with her husband. This is between you and him, nobody else. Good luck, I know this is the kind of thing that causes lot of Agmas nefesh and anxiety. Hashem will give you strength.