What is going on the highschools???!!!!

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 12:44 pm

amother Pistachio wrote:

Honestly I do feel like high school ruined my social life for life. As hard as it is to make friends in high school, as an adult it’s nearly impossible. I never see new people. I wish I had worked harder as a teen to make friends because I barely have any as an adult and it is so, so lonely.

It's funny, I barely keep up with high school friends (here and there I meet someone and it's like, so nice to see you. And there's one or two classmates I bump into all the time that I had not much to do with back then, but now we can stop and shmooze and it's really nice. Something about the familiarity). I do have some close friends I keep up with that are not high school (BFF from elementary school, some seminary friends, etc....)
But as an adult, I'm not in a setting where I need that socializing so much. I BH have my marriage, my family, my job - all of which keeps me very busy. I also have shul friends....
I guess what I'm trying to get at is, as an adult the whole social scene is so much less important to me than it was as a teenager.
If you would ask my teen, she would tell you that social is her whole life! It's in hyperfocus. Whom she spends her recess with, whom she sat with at lunch, whom she studied with last night....it's all about social.
As an adult - my family is my life much more than my friends....whom I try to remember and catch up with ever so often and feel bad I haven't called but I've been so busy....

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 12:47 pm

amother Mint wrote:

I think of has gotten worse over the years in some classes. The class that everything needs a style. Like the whole class has to wear a certain something or you'd one belong to theirs octal circle. Wher the friendship relies on superficial only. I also find many of these girls have mothers who are afraid to say no to them because they are worried about their friends and have a superior attitude. Their insecurities are so damaging to the girls and classmates.

The nice classes are also less rigid I'm this area.

I agree with this.
We as mothers have to build their internal world - and that sometimes means saying No. No honey - you can wear your last-year boots that are in great condition even though they came out with a new style, and still be a somebody.
Giving into peer pressure teaches them to...give into peer pressure. And not value themselves despite it.
I remember telling my teen once - what would happen if Sara (changed name - her best friend) accidentally gets a really bad haircut? Will you drop her? No? BH, so happy to hear that. I don't think she'll drop you either just because you are miserable and feel the stylist took off an extra 1/2 inch.
Are you friendly with girls who don't own Alo sweatshirts or Aviator Nation? Great. BH. Don't worry, you are fine without it too.

amother

↑ Pistachio

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 12:50 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I’m in my mid twenties and have one toddler so I’m less busy than you. I would love to have a group of friends to go out with for birthdays or things like that, I think those one off fun events would energize me and make me a better and happier wife and mother. Friends are really important.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 12:54 pm

amother Pistachio wrote:

I hear, but even now you are transitioning from "need friend daily at recess or my day is ruined" to "occasional birthday or shopping trip or n'shei-type event".

amother

Brass

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 12:55 pm

I think a lot has to do with the school as well. Yes, tenth grade is a hard year and politics happen in all schools but some schools definitely have it more than others. I’m in Lakewood and there’s one specific school that I’m thinking of where middos are sorely lacking. I have a few nieces there that were so sweet before they started school and now it’s like what happened to them? (And they are the “in” girls) I spoke to someone who deals with getting girls into high school and she said the focus and pressure in this school is just crazy. The girls are not happy.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 12:57 pm

amother Brass wrote:

I don't know which school that is, but I would also tell you that there are girls who gravitate to the "in" crowd, pressure, etc...more than others.
I would guess, though, that BEH your nieces will adult and settle down one day.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 12:59 pm

Many of you are saying that after high-school relationships shift and change however, for a teen girl who is currently experiencing the social pain of high-school will have a very hard time understanding this as this is their life right now day in day out.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 1:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

I was adressing your worry about her future.
But yes, it's hard right now. She will need a ton of support from you for what she's experiencing. Keep telling her she's normal, lots of girls are going thru this. Help her in any way you can, maybe by listening to what's going on in her social scene, brainstorm about how she can target friendships. And tell her that the teen years are tough but she will get thru this.

↑ Success10

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 1:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don’t think it would be a bad idea to find her someone to speak to. If she agrees to go. It might help her self esteem and help her process the turbulent times.

amother

Pear

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 1:04 pm

Reading all this makes me so grateful for the high school experience I had. I see now it must have been a quality place. I was not the coolest and not the nebbiest. There were some rough days but overall I have nothing but fond, nostalgic memories. I'm not in regular touch with many of my classmates, but when I visit my home town I get together with quite a few of them and they are all lovely....even the ones who were bitchier at school.

amother

Cognac ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 1:05 pm

As a tenth grade teacher for many years , what your daughter is experiencing is normal. The social cycle in tenth grade is vicious. IRS definitely gotten worse because ther trend cycle is quicker ( last years sweatshirt brand is already passe) and real true self confidence is harder to find .
Specifically the more mature students tend to feel this more acutely as 10th grade can bring a lot of maturing with it and everyone matures at a different pace. I advise my students others that are like that to be patient because they have to wait until more girls mature. A few quick points-
The best thing you can give your daughter is a healthy set of confidence in who she is irrespective of what brands she wears etc
Encourage her to seek out like minded friends even if they’re not part of the group. That “group “will like dissolve anyways. Let her create her own open network of studying partners and friends . Try to encourage her to become involved in things - school choir, chessed groups etc so she can befriend new girls.
Be careful not to pass on your social anxiety for her to her- don’t constantly ask her why she’s studying alone or. Not going out in a Sunday. Etc
This is a passing phase ! But building herself into the amazing person she is will get help now and in the long run

amother

Orchid ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 1:14 pm

amother Stone wrote:

isn't this in town issue only ? my oot camp and seminary friends always said they loved high school . I went to bais yakov of Boro Park - it was traumatic

I think OOT CAN BE a bit easier.
We were 24 girls in our class, 23 of us came from the same elementary school class and 1 new girl joined.
We had some drama but nothing like my daughter had.

My daughter went to a school with 100 girls in her grade from 15 schools. She went with 6 girls from her elementary class, not all friends. Just finding her girls took time.

Lovable

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 1:32 pm

amother Melon wrote:

High school stinks. I couldn't wait to leave. And I had friends. I hated it. So boring, so restrictive ugh I don't miss it!!! Life after high school only got better and better.

Same
I had friends too
And I did well academically too. But I hated school

I lived for the summer! I was a real camp girl, went since young until post sem every year for a full summer
Made great camp friends and hung out with them after school, and on the phone all year

Op maybe send your daughter to some extra curricular activities at night so she can forget about stupid school
And make her off days and summer give her the boost she needs for the rest of the school year

Send her my best of luck! Give her a hug and tell her she will get through it
And most of all make sure she knows you're always there for her and available to talk. I always had my mom to unload and vent to, after a bad day, over a delicious warm supper. It was a lifesaver in those days

Bhatzlacha!

Heart

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 1:49 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

I think it's significantly harder these days. We didn't have these "groups" that you need to break into.

We most definitely did.
Or it definitely existed in the high school I went to, and that was over 30 years ago.