When Morahs criticize your kid

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 12:22 pm

I’m definitely working on these behaviors together with the Morahs and they’re telling me for practical reasons, so we can figure out together what’s working and what’s not. But still, it’s just so hard for me every day when I come and cheerfully ask “how was x today?, how’s it going?” And I get such negative responses, like “oh, it might’ve been a drop better today”. It hurts me that he’s the “problem child” of the group. He really has so much to offer, he’s incredibly smart, has a great imagination, is very engaging in conversation, is super independent but loves to help…even his stubbornness he uses in such wonderful ways, he is so so advanced for his age because whatever he puts his mind to, he does. It just makes me so sad that he’s not appreciated at all, like they breathe a sigh of relief if I pick him up early one day. I’m not asking for practical suggestions for the behavior. More emotionally-how do you handle all the negativity and criticism?

#MOMMY ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 12:31 pm

Ouch. That's honestly super painful! I would have such a hard time with it.
I had it with my much younger son who was like 8 months at the time and agreeably so so difficult, it still killed me when every day when I picked him up she went on and on about how much he cried.
Like if you feel like you can't handle it, kick him out! And if you're fine with keeping him, then I don't need to hear every single day how hard he is! It's genuinely so hard for a mother to hear.
Personally I would be a little assertive and be like - Omg my adorable little guy did that?? Uh oh we're gonna have to have a conversation! (Talking to the kid) In other words, making light of it. Not that YOU should actually make light of it at home! Just that the morah should get the feeling that you don't appreciate when she instigates you like that. You get what I mean?
And I would also praise my son tonz to the morah. Like hello you know how adorable he is?? He did the funniest thing today... etc etc

keym

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 12:51 pm

I actually would set up a system where you only talk about his behavior sometimes, not during pickup or dropoff.
Maybe a notebook that gets passed back and forth.
Or once a week call

During pickup, don't ask how he behaved. It's a hard question to answer, especially if the other kids are listening. If Morah says "Moishy was so good and so cute" how does that make little Yossi feel when Moishy scratched him and pulled his hair. It's also not a great feeling to your son to be talking about him.

Id rather focus at pickup in front of your son and his peers about facts- did he eat? What? Did he sleep?
And save the other conversations for a different time.

amother

Camellia

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 1:42 pm

keym wrote:

This is a great point. My two year old repeats to me what her morah told me at pickup sometimes. She’s listening carefully, it’s adorable. Would be better to discuss via text maybe.

amother

Papayawhip

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 2:03 pm

OP, you could be me from 13 years ago.
My oldest went to playgroup for the first time when he was turning 3. I was young and stupid and inexperienced and I didn't identify her behavior - which sounds just like your kid's morah, like exactly the same - as a red flag.
Yes my son was and is challenging. He has ADHD.
But she did not handle him well at all and was constantly making me feel like he was the "problem child" in the group, like you say.
It wasn't a good environment for him in a few ways that I am painfully aware of now, after having more children who are very similar to him but have had completely different experiences at a wonderful morah, and I could cry when I compare them.

She wasn't a horror-story morah like you read about here, the place was clean, she had it under control, she was good with the kids, but she just didn't like my son and couldn't handle his behavior.

At one point she suggested that *I* make him a chart for his behavior at school. And give him a sticker based on his report at the end of the day. A 3-year-old. Seriously, would he tell me that he didn't behave? And I was so stupid that I did it.

I regret that experience so much. I still think about it and how his self-esteem could have developed differently with someone else, like the morah he had the next year who was very understanding of little boys with lots of energy and would always tell me how adorable he was.

I really and truly believe that we could have avoided a lot of issues had he had a better morah and had I stuck up for him.

I'm so glad you started this thread. Listen to the wise Imas here and do the right thing for your son!

amother

DarkKhaki

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 2:24 pm

Not to negate anything that was said regarding how the Morah speaks but I do think it is important not to just have the attitude that he's yummy and adorable and advanced and smart - which I'm honestly sure he is!

It's hard to tell from the few examples you wrote but sometimes a Morah can see things that we are blinded to because they know this age well and know expected behaviors/milestones.

It may be a sensory thing, he may be overstimulated by the amount of children, enjoying the negative attention, or just needs to learn better play skills.

I would ask the Morah for a list of behaviors that she thinks is not age appropriate or may be stemming from a social/emotional delay. Once you have that you can reach out to an early intervention specialist or agency or maybe an OT you know to see if there should be reason for concern from a developmental standpoint. You may want to have him observed at playgroup (this also can be a good way for you to ask the person observing about how Morah talks to him).

If not, then you go back to the Morah and you say "Oy Im so sorry he's giving you a hard time. Based on professional recommendation it does not seem that there is any cause for concern. You should know he loves coming and talks about Morah all the time. I find that positive attention is what works best for him but let me know if there's anything I can do to make your job easier!" And that's it. Don't ask how he's doing every day and don't drive yourself crazy with her opinion of him.

But without knowing the Morah and the situation there it's hard for me to know if it's a negative place for him though...

imaima ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 3:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

My son is 2.5, I know he can be very hard sometimes. But he is also absolutely delightful. Till now he has been surrounded by praise, wow, he’s so smart, he’s so active, he’s so cute, he’s so amazing. This year his Morahs tell me every day about how he hits, he takes toys away, he’s stubborn, etc. and I know it’s important for us to talk about, and I’m working on all these at home and together with the Morahs but it makes me want to when I hear someone criticize my wonderful, sweet boy. And it makes me so sad, he’s only 2.5! I want his Morahs to love him! know I sound exactly like a first time mother, that’s why I’m asking you all-how do you deal with the criticism emotionally?

These comments shouldn’t come alone, they need to be a part of the context and they should be suggesting a game plan.
These behaviors should be presented as normal in a toddler. Such young kids can’t be nice all the time, they are learning… do they express concern about his emotional wellbeing?

amother

Jasmine

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 3:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

He is 2. He doesn’t need to offer anything or have a ton of talents yet.

I just don’t feel like morot see it as their job to give you a warm fuzzy feeling. They want to deal with the situation and see you as a partner.
Of course it’s nice when teachers sandwich the criticism between praise but maybe they have no time.
Maybe just don’t ask them every day or ask specific questions: How did he eat? Etc

Some days teachers tell me my toddler hit or bit that day, or didn’t let other kids play. I don’t take it as a criticism. It’s just a report. I make a mental note and make sure my toddler sleeps and eats well because it influences her behavior greatly.

Really criticism is giving labels (stubborn, wild) and describing behavior is not criticism

↑ imaima ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 3:45 pm

#MOMMY wrote:

Is saying that 8 month old cried a criticism? In what way should this information be conveyed for it not to be considered criticism?

↑ kenz

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 7:40 pm

amother Garnet wrote:

what did you end up doing that year? did any other teachers have a hard time with your child?

I made sure DD knew that she was doing great and was a good kid and when the teacher saw I wasn’t automatically siding with her and constantly rebuking DD she backed off just enough that DD didn’t always realize when the morah was being less than generous towards her (remember she was 5).
I also spoke to the director and made her aware that I felt DD was being judged unfavorably. DD is very bright ka”h so she did well anyway. I would have switched her class but I wanted her on that track after.
When it came to my next DD I did request not to have that teacher again and apparently I wasn’t the only one who complained because she was moved that year to an administrative position.
My older DD was generally liked by her teachers. She does have a strong personality so I could see where she might have rubbed her teacher the wrong way, but that’s no excuse for a teacher blatantly picking on her throughout the year.

↑ #MOMMY ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 10:03 pm

imaima wrote:

Is saying that 8 month old cried a criticism? In what way should this information be conveyed for it not to be considered criticism?

That's precisely my point. It shouldn't be conveyed! Not neccessary! I knew he was a challenging baby. If it was too much for her, she should have kicked him out. If she felt like she could handle it, she should definitely not tell me every single day how difficult he was! Why why why should I have to hear it?? Every day I was bending myself over backwards literally in tears and apologizing over and over that my 8 month old was hard baby. I think it's ridiculous. What would be the purpose in telling me every single day????????

amother

Latte

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 10:06 pm

I had something similar when my son was two as well. It's very hard to only hear the negative when you know your son has so much to offer. I started asking the teacher during these convos- "Ok, and can you tell me something positive about him now?" It sort of trained her to look at him in a different light and slowly she began to appreciate his strengths.

↑ imaima ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 10:21 pm

#MOMMY wrote:

She was telling you about his day.

we want our teachers:
1. to be honest and not lie about what happens in daycare
2. to tell us about the kids day
3. to be able to handle our kids
4. to relieve us off childcare

So how does it work? The only way it works is that we take information at face value and don’t make it about ourselves.
The baby is acting like a baby - it‘s not a reflection on the parent or even on the baby. It doesn’t make a baby bad. Did she say she couldn’t handle him or did she just report what he felt like that day?
You are the mother and if you think your child is unhappy then it’s your job to send them to s different babysitter. She needs your money and she can handle the crying, why would she kick him out? That’s so cruel to kick a baby out of daycare.
This decision was on you. You expect the morah to sugar coat everything for you AND do all the decision making.

I am really not trying to bash but please make it make sense

↑ #MOMMY

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 10:35 pm

imaima wrote:

No. I did not expect her to sugarcoat. At all. I also didn't expect her to go on and on every day about how hard he is. I KNOW he's challenging. I have actual trauma from that time. I don't believe there is a point in reiterating it every single day! I want to hear when and how long he slept, when he ate, etc. Why it be neccessary for her to tell me how difficult he is every. single. day. What would be the purpose??? I literally felt guilty for dropping him off. It was murder. I strongly considered pulling him out just cuz I coudn't handle it emotionally. I felt like I was being blamed for his colic, reflux, etc. I get that he's hard!! I gave her gifts and tips all the time. Showed my appreciation every day. But why would it be neccessary for her to keep telling me how hard he is?? Why??

oohlala

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 11:35 pm

There will always be teachers who do not appreciate your child. It’s hard to swallow when it’s your first and it’s preschool, but it will continue to happen. Some teachers want simply compliant children and others get a kick out of clever, cute kids who are full of life and personality, even if they aren’t the easiest. If it’s not working out, find a different teacher. It could be his behaviors would resolve in a more structured environment with a more open minded morah. Unfortunately, as kids get older, you don’t really have the option of switching and you may still need to deal with this…

↑ imaima ↓

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 2:35 am

#MOMMY wrote:

Okay yes it’s overdone then. Very immature.
If she put it on you like you should change it from home

↑ imaima

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 2:36 am

oohlala wrote:

Reminds me when a morah of my 2 yesr old told me that he doesn’t know yet how to resolve conflict

I laughed in my head that I know tons of grown ups who don’t know that yet