Vent- hate having Sil for Shabbos but have no choice

Amalia ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 9:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

I can’t. I’m a people pleaser and don’t have courage to tell her to her face “please clean up after your kids and please don’t take things without asking”
Would most people be able to say that straight out??

OP,

I will join the chorus of women recommending that you communicate some of your house rules to your SIL instead of swallowing it all “for the sake of shalom.” (I am putting those parentheses because I agree with people who argue that this does not produce real shalom but builds up resentment for years and years until a person explodes - like one person who posted above shared.)

I am unable (yet) to do confrontations in person but I found that if I have difficult things to say to someone, I can write to them (an email). First of all, when you write, you can take the time to phase everything as nicely as humanly possible. Secondly, the person reading it is saved from facing you in their embarrassment. They have a chance to read and process it at their own speed. They can take their time to decide how to respond to you.

I found that writing letters like that made a major major difference in how those people were dealing with me. Now if I could only say things in person…(maybe someday) 😊

↑ Amalia

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 9:40 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Do you ever think that maybe Hashem wants you to work on this aspect of yourself? That it would be more healthy for you to develop an aspect of yourself that kindly and as nicely as possible communicates your needs? It would facilitate growth on your part, and also on your SIL's part perhaps, if you could work on this.

I really don't believe that the goal of the Torah is to develop doormats. When it says "לא תשׂנא את אחיך בלבבך" it means this. To develop communication - הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך so that we don't continue to do the Aveirah of resentment, and have genuine healthy relationships and Shalom.

Hi, Chayalle!

I really love how you phrased it - I agree completely but you were able to explain it so much better than I could have.

spikta

Tue, Nov 05 2024, 6:50 am

As a clueless person - Please please tell your SIL! !
Some of these things are not basic, particularly if you grew up with a parent or paid help that cleaned up after you, or in a more messy home, but posters that grew up that way might be embarrassed to admit it Smile

I would be MORTIFIED to know that I'm being such a burden to a family member and they didn't tell me. You're not doing her any favors by swallowing your irritations. Most people aren't psychopaths that care not about other people's feelings, they just have different norms and literally have no idea.

I didn't know that many people find helping yourself to stuff in someone else's fridge rude, all my friends and I did that growing up. I only discovered some people found it off putting in my mid 30s...
My BIL and SIL leave diapers in room trash cans in their own apartment and don't have areas in their house where food is off limits, so it didn't occur to them that either was an issue at our house. When they came to us for shabbos for the first time, we realized our rules were different, so we just told everyone matter of factly that in our house food stays by the table or outside, and asked them to bring diapers down and not leave them in the rooms. We have to remind the kids sometimes, but they also remember and remind their kids, and they've been pretty good with the diapers. It really doesn't have to be a fight or any sort of big deal. Just tell them or write them a text:

Hey SIL+BIL, looking forward to shabbos! I made sure to get extra yogurt and string cheese and I'll put out crackers and pretzels on the counter for whoever's hungry. Any other snacks I should stock up on? Could you make sure to tell the kids not to take other stuff out of the fridge or pantry without asking first? We had some guests that ate some stuff that the kids had been saving and Moishy had such a tantrum... Please help me save my sanity Smile

Also, if you guys could help us keep things clean during shabbos that would be super helpful. Putting toys away, making sure food doesn't go upstairs, etc. BH we've got a lot of kids running around, and if we're not on top of it motzei shabbos cleanup takes forever. See you soon!

amother

Molasses

Tue, Nov 05 2024, 7:25 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

Sounds like both you and your husband are scared of confrontation.

I'm just another vote for politely speaking and saying "please empty your garbage before you leave" and "can you please clean the playroom with your kids?" Etc...

The eating the treat isn't so bad. I would totally help myself to ice cream at my brother's house. But he and my sil would also tell me "hey, don't eat that treat. We are saving it for yankel."

I would not expect my brother's wife to be going into my freezer. IMVHO the kitchen is the woman's, and this is invasive of your SIL's space. Just saying.

↑ Chayalle

Tue, Nov 05 2024, 9:25 am

Amalia wrote:

I think this is an excellent idea OP, some people will find email/texting to be an easier way of communication in this type of situation.