Vent- hate having Sil for Shabbos but have no choice

Amalia ↓

Yesterday at 9:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

I can’t. I’m a people pleaser and don’t have courage to tell her to her face “please clean up after your kids and please don’t take things without asking”
Would most people be able to say that straight out??

OP,

I will join the chorus of women recommending that you communicate some of your house rules to your SIL instead of swallowing it all “for the sake of shalom.” (I am putting those parentheses because I agree with people who argue that this does not produce real shalom but builds up resentment for years and years until a person explodes - like one person who posted above shared.)

I am unable (yet) to do confrontations in person but I found that if I have difficult things to say to someone, I can write to them (an email). First of all, when you write, you can take the time to phase everything as nicely as humanly possible. Secondly, the person reading it is saved from facing you in their embarrassment. They have a chance to read and process it at their own speed. They can take their time to decide how to respond to you.

I found that writing letters like that made a major major difference in how those people were dealing with me. Now if I could only say things in person…(maybe someday) 😊

↑ Amalia

Yesterday at 9:40 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Do you ever think that maybe Hashem wants you to work on this aspect of yourself? That it would be more healthy for you to develop an aspect of yourself that kindly and as nicely as possible communicates your needs? It would facilitate growth on your part, and also on your SIL's part perhaps, if you could work on this.

I really don't believe that the goal of the Torah is to develop doormats. When it says "לא תשׂנא את אחיך בלבבך" it means this. To develop communication - הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך so that we don't continue to do the Aveirah of resentment, and have genuine healthy relationships and Shalom.

Hi, Chayalle!

I really love how you phrased it - I agree completely but you were able to explain it so much better than I could have.

Ruchi

Yesterday at 11:11 pm

That there are frum people like this boggles the mind.

This has nothing to do with frum. Some ppl lack an important component in their brain. It can be part of a personality disorder, slight autism, oblivion due to being odd or something else, like not been educated due to dysfunction or poor parenting.
Normal ppl behave normal and mentschlech.