Help me appreciate my daughter’s personality

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:40 am

My daughter is a very sweet teen. She’s helpful and respectful and pleasant to be around. I’m very grateful and love her very much. But I have a hard time connecting to her. She’s a bit of a ditz and kind of shallow. It’s not that I don’t appreciate fashion, decorating, etc. I’m actually very into these things. It’s just that I appreciate people who have more than that to them. Is it just that her personality hasn’t developed yet? I feel bad saying this but I find her kind of boring. She’s also my only daughter and we have lots of time to spend with each other, and I really try to bond with her, but I’m finding it challenging.

amother

Salmon ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:46 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

Ouch. She’s your child! Not your friend that you need to connect to on a deep philosophical level. Poor kid she deserves a better mother.

Whoa relax. So judgy. She sounds like a great mother reaching out for advice. I was following this thread because I relate to op.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:48 am

amother Salmon wrote:

Whoa relax. So judgy. She sounds like a great mother reaching out for advice. I was following this thread because I relate to op.

Thank you. I was speechless reading that reply and almost deleted my OP. Sometimes people seem to forget that there’s an actual person behind the post.

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:48 am

I have a 13 year old who is into fashion and has adhd. But when I talk fashion with her she starts talking about other things. This is what interests her, that doesn't indicate nothing else does. Are you telling me that you have no interest in anything materialistic? Most people do. My husband likes sports and dresses up for yt but is otherwise a very spiritual person.

amother

↑ Foxglove ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:49 am

amother Salmon wrote:

Whoa relax. So judgy. She sounds like a great mother reaching out for advice. I was following this thread because I relate to op.

It’s horrible to describe your own child this way and to feel your child needs to give you more satisfaction to develop a healthy mother daughter relationship with her. If you relate to her go for therapy and get yourself help. You both probably hurt your daughters terribly by now.

amother

↑ Salmon ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:49 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you. I was speechless reading that reply and almost deleted my OP. Sometimes people seem to forget that there’s an actual person behind the post.

Please don't delete. Many (especially intellectual) mothers can relate to your question.

amother

↑ Salmon

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:50 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

I think you should leave this thread. Your responses make no sense.

amother

↑ Foxglove

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:50 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you. I was speechless reading that reply and almost deleted my OP. Sometimes people seem to forget that there’s an actual person behind the post.

So is your child. Sometimes the truth needs to be said.

amother

Steel

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:52 am

Why don’t you try to look for something new to try together? Like this you are just as new to it as she is and you can figure it out together. Also, teenagers are very often self absorbed..find small areas where she is not and embrace those. Also the most important thing is to remove these high expectations that you have for your relationship. Just love her. Just hang out with her. And just be.

amother

Amaryllis

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:52 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

Wow, lady. She’s looking for common ground to bond with her daughter. Because she wants to be the best mom possible, not because she’s lacking a social life. Yeas, it’s totally possible to love your child, but at the same time struggle to relate to them.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:54 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

So is your child. Sometimes the truth needs to be said.

You’re an obnoxious person who clearly has issues to work through. I have a wonderful relationship with all my kids BH. And was just looking how to connect better with this one. Go take your issues somewhere else.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:56 am

What have you and your husband done until now to stimulate and support her intellectual development? While some kids are more naturally inclined than others to intellectual curiosity and thinking analytically, all kids can be stimulated and developed in this direction to some extent.

amother

Eggshell

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:57 am

A very smart woman once told me that with a daughter, “a mother doesn’t know where you end and she begins.” It’s important for us to all remember, acknowledge, and encourage our children to have their own interests, which can be different and also valid. Why don’t you offer to take her to a fashion exhibit at a museum. NY has a costume institute at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Washington has the Smithsonian with the First Ladies dress exhibit. Montreal and London also have museums with fashion exhibits. Go to Barnes and Noble and look at fashion magazines together. Spend the day window shopping in your city and go for lunch. Try to discover if she has other interests or possibly inspire her to volunteer at a clothing Gemach or to do a garage sale of old family clothing with proceeds going to tzedakah. See if she’s interested in “styling” her siblings. Try to find common ground between you or learn to see her interests as valid. Also, keep in mind that she’s growing and changing and this may be a phase.

amother

Bellflower

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 9:58 am

Na.
How old is she?
Many teens are "shallow" it doesn't mean that's who she is / ultimately will be.

Do you have hobbies? Topics/subjects that interest you?
Try to introduce them.

My 11 year old is extremely intellectual. She's a geek. So is dh. They love shmoozing the night away.
But my 9 year comes across as shallow. Dh has a hard time connecting to her as a person. (He's doing great as a father though bh) but I know her personality. She likes different things. She likes listening rather than shmoozing. Then once she's absorbed it, she puts things together and makes sense of stuff. Only later will I realize how much goes on in her head from a single comment....
She's actually, probably just as deep or deeper than my other daughter. But dh just doesn't see it, due to his personality. A d that's ok.

Just continue spending time with her. .y 9 year old loves to sing. She is a very warm soul. I'm not so geeky like dh and I don't talk about stuff often. So when we do things together we'll often put on music and sing our little hearts out.
Do what er you two enjoy. Your wonderful teen will grow into a wonderful woman.

listenhere

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:02 am

Your question comes across as a bit arrogant. It seems like you believe that your personality is inherently ’better’ than hers. You use negative words to describe her, and explicitly express a hope that she will change. Is that the case?

This is very normal, but not very conducive to a good relationship. I commend you for the awareness in realizing that there is something off, and trying to change it.

If you want to connect with her, the first step would be to sincerely appreciate her the way she is, and might stay for the rest of her life.

And then just spend time with her. Speak about any topic or do any activity.

Last edited by listenhere on Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:05 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Maple

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:03 am

You might find it easier to connect if you do a hobby or project together. If she's into decorating, would you want to revamp an area in the house? It doesn't have to be expensive, it's a skill to redecorate whilst spending little money. Or take up a hobby together and that can be your bonding time.
It could be your dd is less of a deep thinker than you are and that's okay. I often thought deep thinkers (as one myself) find life harder as they tend to analyze and overthink much more. Small talk also doesn't come easy.
Your dd doesn't have to be the bestie that you have deep meaningful conversations with on a constant basis. Focus on simply enjoying her company, and possibly shorter bursts of conversation rather than trying to talk to her for hours on end.
I personally find it easier to talk when busy, so dd baking with me in the kitchen is a great time to bond and it feels less intense than sitting together over an ice coffee in the local store. My introverted nature means it feels more intense to spend time with dd, so I make sure I've had some me time before sitting down with dd and then my tolerance levels are higher.
I also think teens are naturally more self-centred and will focus on 'important' things such as what dress she NEEDS to wear to the class get-together and that it's the end of the world if her dress is soooo nebby. I'm hoping as my dds get older, they will have a broader range of interests.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Op its great you have this awareness and that your willing to work on it. I do agree with the previous poster the issue is your not hers. Its your job as a mother to look for the good in her and build a connection off of that not to try to change her. It does sound like you look down on her im wondering if you have some insecurities in yourself. It sounds like therapy can really help you learn to appreciate her for who she is. My guess is the things that bother you about her have more to do with you or someone else she reminds you of.