Exploded at my daughter. Need sympathy.

amother

Yesterday at 5:35 pm

As background, I used to be a yelling mom. Back when my oldest was a toddler, I found it really hard to keep my temper under control. (So strange, because I wasn't an angry kid/teen! And then I had a child...) I was yelling at least once a day and really wanted to stop. B"H, through a lot of hard work and Hashem's help, I was able to turn into a mother who practically never yelled. Turns out that my oldest was my hardest by far, so it wasn't as hard with my others.

So my current 9 year old think of her mother as someone who doesn't yell. I get frustrated, I walk away into my room if I need a break, I speak sternly if I want them to know I mean business, but I don't yell.

She's a great kid, but recently has been giving me a problem with doing her homework. Doing it would take her about 3-5 minutes, total, for both Hebrew and English. She's very bright and finds it easy, not hard at all. There's always something to kvetch about, something that makes it impossible for her to do it, she forgets it in school but wants me to sign that she did it anyway, etc. She asks the same thing over and over again, argues the same arguments over and over again, and gets upset if I don't answer her a million times, it was a whole song and dance every night. Recently I decided it was enough, and I wasn't going to engage anymore. I would answer her once, and then say "I answered you once, I'm not going to respond about this topic anymore. Here is what I have to say:" And then I tell her in one or two sentences what my responses to all of her complaints and arguments will be. And then I ignore her and go about my day, doing things with the other kids, getting ready for dinner, whatever. It's only been two days of this, and it was rough to stick to my own plan with her diggin her heels in. But it's a learning experience, right?

I had a minor surgery done yesterday. I was in pain this morning, but B"H got it under control with pain meds before the kids came home today. When they came in, I was so calm relaxed with them. I couldn't run around doing other things, so I gave them so much more attention than usual, and they behaved so nicely, and I was feeling great. One of my other kids almost threw a fit about something, but then you could see that she remembered I was "not at my best" and worked it through with me nicely. Other than a couple of sibling squabbles, we were doing great. My 9 year old started on her homework without a problem, I gave her a thumbs up and a smile, and all was well.

And then it started. She switched from English homework to Hebrew homework and all of the sudden she started throwing a tantrum about something only slightly related to homework. I did what I'd planned on doing. She pushed, and pushed, and pushed at every limit I set. I walked into my room to give us some space, and she banged on the door until another kid started crying (not young enough that it was dangerous to leave them alone, and I know my 9 year old would never harm her sibs no matter how angry she was, she's really not that type of kid), and I had to come up to make sure everything was okay. Which then restarted the whole thing.

Long story short, I exploded. And it made all the pain come back. Although I think the pain started coming back from the stress of dealing with her beforehand, which probably lead to the explosion.

And then I made her feel guilty for the fact that now I was hurting again. Which was even worse. I actually said it was her fault...

I know I need to apologize, especially for that last part. But right now I'm in pain and angry and just need sympathy. It feels like it's impossible for me to apologize. Definitely sincerely.

But she's a kid. And I'm an adult. An adult who prided herself on not yelling. Which probably makes it even harder for her, because it seems so abnormal. She doesn't even realize that I'm capable of yelling. And she doesn't understand that pain makes us lose our tempers more easily. She doesn't see how ridiculous she's being. I'm supposed to be teaching her calmly, and I didn't.

And I hate that I'm back where I started. I'm not, it was a one-time thing. But it's just bringing back these horrible memories of yelling at my oldest and feeling hopeless to do anything about it.

Thank you for reading this. Please be gentle when you respond. I'm hurting now, in more ways than one. (And yes, I know that she is too...)