Raising considerate children

amother

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 3:36 pm

I am spending sukkos at my parents together with most of my siblings which rarely happens as we live all over the place. I am noticing that although we are "close" there is an underlying attitude of each man for himself.
For example we went to a local park today. Instead of one person packing snacks, another packing drinks etc for everyone, each family had to pack their own stuff and what do you think happened? The kids were kvetching non stop they want what that other kid has. Another example, my sister went to the bagel store this morning and came home with 2 bagels for her and her DH.

I would like to raise my children differently. They are still young and I would love to hear from mom's who have raised children who really look out for each other and have each other's backs. How did you do it? What's your secret?

amother

Green

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 3:55 pm

Lead by example.

My kids are too young but we ask does anyone else want a snack, or come along somewhere… they see it they’re copy.

My sister in law bakes for everyone, will just go to the sink and start washing the dishes at my mils we’re all staying together.

Might be a personality or she’s just a considerate person- her kids are the best kids so gracious and warm they’re raised with excellent middos and everyone loves them!

#BestBubby

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 4:08 pm

Every mother knows what foods and snacks her kids will eat.

I see my daughter packing 3 different snacks and mains for her kids because the whole family will not eat one type of snack or main

So it makes sense that mothers pack foods for their family

OP you are obviously lucky and your kids are not picky.

imaima

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 4:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

How many siblings are there? At some point it’s easier to just serve your own family

amother

Junglegreen

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 5:21 pm

I wonder this because my mother somehow raised us to be super independent and not close at all. I remember as a kid we couldn't sit in the car if our thighs were touching each other (all girls). My husband's family is super crazy close but they border on codependent so... pros and cons to everything.

amother

Pewter ↓

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 6:20 pm

My DH is not considerate or of generous spirit even though he was raised in a home of chessed and everyone looking out for each other.
I am exactly the opposite of him and I see that my children are some and some. Not so sure it's how you're raised as much as personality or natural tendencies.

renslet

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 6:29 pm

Consideration of others can mean so many things.
One of my kids will always offer her food to others and yet says mean things to her siblings constantly.
Another one is very in tune to others feelings and picks up when someone is upset and is incredibly supportive but doesn't usually remember to think of other when it comes to food.
I try to remind, when you bring yourself water ask if anyone else wants and also modal.
Rabbi shais taub once wrote that when telling stories, stop in the middle and ask kids "what do you think this person was thinking, why do you think they said that etc" it really helps kids put themselves in others shoes.

amother

Glitter

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 8:39 pm

Be considerate and your children will copy. My husband asks everyone “hey I’m making myself a coffee, can I get you one?”. If my child goes to get a drink I always remind “did you ask —- if she wants a drink as well?” Whenever a child thinks about another we always make a big deal like “oh that’s so thoughtful”..

As far as other people’s kids I struggle with it sometimes…when a mother is lazy I really don’t like preparing meals for her kids..however some siblings are team players and will feed my kids breakfast while I sleep in so naturally I’m thrilled to make their kids dinner…it’s a give and take for me…

amother

↑ Pewter

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 8:41 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

I'm very considerate and I don't find that my children are the same. I'm kind of over this "model good middos and your kids will follow", IME that's not how it works.

amother

DarkRed ↓

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 9:22 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

I'm very considerate and I don't find that my children are the same. I'm kind of over this "model good middos and your kids will follow", IME that's not how it works.

How old are your children?
Results of modeling typically show in the late teens or adulthood.

seeker

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 9:44 pm

I think it needs to be trained as well as modeled. Prompt them to do the things that considerate people do and hopefully it will eventually become second nature. Also point out your appreciation when you or they are on the receiving end.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 9:46 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

I'm very considerate and I don't find that my children are the same. I'm kind of over this "model good middos and your kids will follow", IME that's not how it works.

I think modeling is the only thing that *could* potentially work, not that it for sure will.
There aren't really any other ways of influencing our childrens' character.

amother

Vanilla

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 10:53 pm

Sometimes it comes down to finances... If I treated my kids to an expensive nosh I don't usually buy but I got special for chol hamoed, then yeah, I'm sorry, I can't provide it for all of the nieces and nephews as well. If I'm going to the bagel store, I can ask my sibs if they want to make an order and I'll pick it up for them but I can't afford to treat them all.

Things like serving all the kids breakfast while my SIL sleeps in, I'm happy to do- at least one of us should get to sleep!

joker

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 11:51 pm

I think it has to do with your expectation of them. Do you expect them to hold the door for someone else? Do you point it out to them? Do you set expectations please bring in the groceries and help me unpack? I think the biggest issue with this is when parents feel bad having these expectations from their children

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 12:45 am

joker wrote:

But what about when you set these expectations, and they just say no? My kids are still 6 and under, but when I ask DC6 to help with clearing the table for example, they say no. Or please bring me a diaper
How do you respond?

amother

Ecru

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 1:41 am

Modelling.

But where I see your main issue is if its your children that are whining jealous & measuring & comparing. Instruction to children how to handle those feelings in a healthy manner and express themselves maturely with a assertive demeaner is important to help them handle life well.

There is a practical aspect of each parent knowing what their kids want. Group decisions can get complicated.

But modelling is as modelling does. I especially see this in my brothers family, the kids many act just like sil.

amother

↑ DarkRed

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 11:09 am

amother Cappuccino wrote:

That that's a separate question and a very big one. It's not about consideration. Being considerate isn't really a thing at that age. That's about parental authority which is also really important.