Raising considerate children

amother

Today at 3:36 pm

I am spending sukkos at my parents together with most of my siblings which rarely happens as we live all over the place. I am noticing that although we are "close" there is an underlying attitude of each man for himself.
For example we went to a local park today. Instead of one person packing snacks, another packing drinks etc for everyone, each family had to pack their own stuff and what do you think happened? The kids were kvetching non stop they want what that other kid has. Another example, my sister went to the bagel store this morning and came home with 2 bagels for her and her DH.

I would like to raise my children differently. They are still young and I would love to hear from mom's who have raised children who really look out for each other and have each other's backs. How did you do it? What's your secret?

amother

Green

Today at 3:55 pm

Lead by example.

My kids are too young but we ask does anyone else want a snack, or come along somewhere… they see it they’re copy.

My sister in law bakes for everyone, will just go to the sink and start washing the dishes at my mils we’re all staying together.

Might be a personality or she’s just a considerate person- her kids are the best kids so gracious and warm they’re raised with excellent middos and everyone loves them!

#BestBubby

Today at 4:08 pm

Every mother knows what foods and snacks her kids will eat.

I see my daughter packing 3 different snacks and mains for her kids because the whole family will not eat one type of snack or main

So it makes sense that mothers pack foods for their family

OP you are obviously lucky and your kids are not picky.

imaima

Today at 4:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

How many siblings are there? At some point it’s easier to just serve your own family

amother

Junglegreen

Today at 5:21 pm

I wonder this because my mother somehow raised us to be super independent and not close at all. I remember as a kid we couldn't sit in the car if our thighs were touching each other (all girls). My husband's family is super crazy close but they border on codependent so... pros and cons to everything.

amother

Pewter ↓

Today at 6:20 pm

My DH is not considerate or of generous spirit even though he was raised in a home of chessed and everyone looking out for each other.
I am exactly the opposite of him and I see that my children are some and some. Not so sure it's how you're raised as much as personality or natural tendencies.

renslet

Today at 6:29 pm

Consideration of others can mean so many things.
One of my kids will always offer her food to others and yet says mean things to her siblings constantly.
Another one is very in tune to others feelings and picks up when someone is upset and is incredibly supportive but doesn't usually remember to think of other when it comes to food.
I try to remind, when you bring yourself water ask if anyone else wants and also modal.
Rabbi shais taub once wrote that when telling stories, stop in the middle and ask kids "what do you think this person was thinking, why do you think they said that etc" it really helps kids put themselves in others shoes.

amother

Glitter

Today at 8:39 pm

Be considerate and your children will copy. My husband asks everyone “hey I’m making myself a coffee, can I get you one?”. If my child goes to get a drink I always remind “did you ask —- if she wants a drink as well?” Whenever a child thinks about another we always make a big deal like “oh that’s so thoughtful”..

As far as other people’s kids I struggle with it sometimes…when a mother is lazy I really don’t like preparing meals for her kids..however some siblings are team players and will feed my kids breakfast while I sleep in so naturally I’m thrilled to make their kids dinner…it’s a give and take for me…

amother

↑ Pewter

Today at 8:41 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

I'm very considerate and I don't find that my children are the same. I'm kind of over this "model good middos and your kids will follow", IME that's not how it works.

amother

DarkRed

Today at 9:22 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

I'm very considerate and I don't find that my children are the same. I'm kind of over this "model good middos and your kids will follow", IME that's not how it works.

How old are your children?
Results of modeling typically show in the late teens or adulthood.

seeker

Today at 9:44 pm

I think it needs to be trained as well as modeled. Prompt them to do the things that considerate people do and hopefully it will eventually become second nature. Also point out your appreciation when you or they are on the receiving end.

amother

Chartreuse

Today at 9:46 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

I'm very considerate and I don't find that my children are the same. I'm kind of over this "model good middos and your kids will follow", IME that's not how it works.

I think modeling is the only thing that *could* potentially work, not that it for sure will.
There aren't really any other ways of influencing our childrens' character.

amother

Vanilla

Today at 10:53 pm

Sometimes it comes down to finances... If I treated my kids to an expensive nosh I don't usually buy but I got special for chol hamoed, then yeah, I'm sorry, I can't provide it for all of the nieces and nephews as well. If I'm going to the bagel store, I can ask my sibs if they want to make an order and I'll pick it up for them but I can't afford to treat them all.

Things like serving all the kids breakfast while my SIL sleeps in, I'm happy to do- at least one of us should get to sleep!