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Forum
-> The Social Scene
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Do you usually say "you look so beautiful" when you meet someone at a wedding?
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| Yes, I'm yeshivish/litvish |
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25% |
[ 68 ] |
| No, I'm yeshivish /litvish |
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4% |
[ 11 ] |
| Yes, I'm chassidish/Heimish |
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38% |
[ 102 ] |
| No,I'm chassidish /heimish |
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3% |
[ 8 ] |
| Yes, I'm JPF |
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15% |
[ 41 ] |
| No, I'm JPF |
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4% |
[ 11 ] |
| Yes, I'm MO |
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4% |
[ 11 ] |
| No, I'm MO |
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1% |
[ 5 ] |
| Other |
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3% |
[ 8 ] |
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| Total Votes : 265 |
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amother
Whitesmoke
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 Mon, Oct 14 2024, 12:08 pm
A random person? No.
The kallah? Yes.
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amother
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 12:11 pm
| amother Holly wrote: | Oh, anything! It doesn't have to be "internal". Just make normal conversation aside from focusing on my appearance.
So good to see you! When did you get to town? How is your daughter in seminary?
I absolutely do not wish for someone to comment on my appearance, no matter how good my shaitel and makeup are. |
Don't you think it's a bit odd any perhaps even a bit rude to come over to a baalas simcha, not comment on how good she looks, but instead start asking about her child in seminary or yeshiva?
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amother
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 12:18 pm
| amother Scarlet wrote: | | Don't you think it's a bit odd any perhaps even a bit rude to come over to a baalas simcha, not comment on how good she looks, but instead start asking about her child in seminary or yeshiva? |
Absolutely not!
I never comment on anyone's looks and I don't think I'm rude.
If the person is the baalas simcha, I say Mazel tov, such a beautiful simcha (not referring to the trappings, but the simcha itself) asach nachas!! Etc.
Why would I comment on her looks?
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amother
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 12:21 pm
| amother Holly wrote: | Absolutely not!
I never comment on anyone's looks and I don't think I'm rude.
If the person is the baalas simcha, I say Mazel tov, such a beautiful simcha (not referring to the trappings, but the simcha itself) asach nachas!! Etc.
Why would I comment on her looks? |
All right, I obviously can't relate so let's just agree to disagree.
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amother
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 12:22 pm
| amother Linen wrote: | | I wanted to add that it makes me uncomfortable when people comment on my appearance, I think it is shallow and irrelevant (and possibly not true, just something people say), but that is just me personally. But I would never ever be offended if someone commented that I look good, because I know they are trying to be nice. So even if it isn't a value that I hold personally, I always graciously say thank you and move on with my life. |
I wouldn't actually get "offended" because that's a strong word and I have other things to worry about than to be offended, and plus I know it's coming from a good place.
I may say it "tongue in cheek" that it can be taken as an offense. Its slightly "offensive" that you think me so shallow that that's what you tell me when you first see me.
Again, I don't mean it literally. But I do think it's a drop patronizing, even if it's meant 100% sincerely.
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zaq
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 12:37 pm
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Kallah, MOB, MOG, sisters, well, duh, of course! True or not. Friends and acquaintances? Probably, but I don't really think about it. Unless I'm seriously impressed, it's a knee-jerk social formula.
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zaq
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 12:45 pm
| amother Holly wrote: | I wouldn't actually get "offended" because that's a strong word and I have other things to worry about than to be offended, and plus I know it's coming from a good place.
I may say it "tongue in cheek" that it can be taken as an offense. Its slightly "offensive" that you think me so shallow that that's what you tell me when you first see me.
Again, I don't mean it literally. But I do think it's a drop patronizing, even if it's meant 100% sincerely. | . Why? You see them with your eyes before you get to talk to them, and it's an occasion lich'vod which most people, even the most vanity-free, put a great deal of thought, time, money and effort into their appearance. It's not rude not to comment, but neither does it imply that they're shallow--or that you are--if you offer a compliment. I think most baalot hasimcha would be just a tad disappointed if nobody complimented their appearance. If you are on such a madrega that you don't yearn to be complimented on your appearance after you spent time and money getting dolled up for an event, I'm speechless. (I'm also skeptical. The lady doth protest too much, methinks.)
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amother
Beige
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 1:20 pm
Yes for sure!!
I recently gained quite a lot of weight and at my sisters wedding not one person (besides my dh and grandfather  ) told me I looked good. It really hurt me. I put a lot of effort into finding a gorgeous gown and getting my wig and makeup done nicely.. I always always try to tell friends and family that they look so good! Even if I don’t particularly think they do lol but if you can see they made an effort, it’s the nice thing to do.
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amother
Black
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 1:28 pm
| amother Puce wrote: | | I voted no, then I read your OP. I do tell immediate family of the chassan/ kallah how beautiful they look. I wouldn't tell a random guest which is what I thought you were asking |
Same here . Voted no but then read op. Of course I tell them how beautiful they look.
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zaq
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 1:33 pm
| amother Scarlet wrote: | | Don't you think it's a bit odd any perhaps even a bit rude to come over to a baalas simcha, not comment on how good she looks, but instead start asking about her child in seminary or yeshiva? | Not rude, but certainly peculiar. As if the baalat hasimcha has the time to get into such a discussion? Save that for next week. At a simcha, you should take sixty seconds or less: "mazal tov, you look fabulous, so happy for you and the mishpacha, have a sach nachas" and exit left. There are 273 women in line behind you waiting to get their two cents in before badeken.
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amother
Mintcream
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 1:37 pm
| amother Puce wrote: | | I voted no, then I read your OP. I do tell immediate family of the chassan/ kallah how beautiful they look. I wouldn't tell a random guest which is what I thought you were asking |
Me too
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chestnut
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 2:29 pm
| amother Holly wrote: | I wouldn't actually get "offended" because that's a strong word and I have other things to worry about than to be offended, and plus I know it's coming from a good place.
I may say it "tongue in cheek" that it can be taken as an offense. Its slightly "offensive" that you think me so shallow that that's what you tell me when you first see me.
Again, I don't mean it literally. But I do think it's a drop patronizing, even if it's meant 100% sincerely. |
That's such a strange viewpoint, imo. If you think appearance is so shallow, then why all this bother with a gown and professional makeup? A nice Shabbos or Yom outfit and DIY makeup should do.
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chestnut
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 2:31 pm
| zaq wrote: | | Not rude, but certainly peculiar. As if the baalat hasimcha has the time to get into such a discussion? Save that for next week. At a simcha, you should take sixty seconds or less: "mazal tov, you look fabulous, so happy for you and the mishpacha, have a sach nachas" and exit left. There are 273 women in line behind you waiting to get their two cents in before badeken. |
Exactly. So weird to be asking then when they got to town or about their daughter in seminary.
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zaq
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 3:46 pm
| chestnut wrote: | | That's such a strange viewpoint, imo. If you think appearance is so shallow, then why all this bother with a gown and professional makeup? A nice Shabbos or Yom outfit and DIY makeup should do. |
Maybe Holly does just that.
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amother
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 5:26 pm
I just reread the poll and realize there's a bit of confusion here.
The title says "when you meet a friend at a simcha do you tell her she looks beautiful". The poll said, when you meet "someone".
Then the OP says, "like if its the mother of the kalla. "
So people may be responding to different things.
1. If you go to a wedding, and you meet a friend there (who is not part of the bridal party) do you tell her that she looks amazing, beautiful (whatever word you want to use.)
2. When you meet the kalla or her mother do you tell her she looks beautiful?
I don't think it's the same thing.
Personally, if I was the mother of the bride and someone told me I look amazing, I would accept it as normal. I would smile, say thank you and move on. (I would also not be insulted if no one commented. )
But if I was stam a person at the wedding, I would not expect it, and I don't find that to be the norm in my community. For the record, I live out of town, and that may make a difference here.
No, when I go to a wedding, I will NOT ask the baalas simcha how her daughter is doing in seminary. That is obviously not what I meant. But I would ask the neighbor or cousin who I don't see often how her daughter is. I would not comment on their appearance. I don't think it's called for.
Now, I know this conversation was meant to uncover patterns in different communities. As someone who has been in different communities, both in town and out of town, I have seen a very stark difference in this area.
In more heimish/chassidish, in town weddings and gatherings, a normal greeting would include a comment or compliment on the person's appearance. Not so in out of town or litvish out of town communities. This is not a judgement, just an observation on a difference in culture.
I may be a bit extreme when I say that I take "offense" if someone would comment on my appearance, but as I stated earlier, I said that tongue-in-cheek. Of course I know that no offense was meant. All I mean to say is that I personally don't appreciate my appearance being commented on, nor is it something I am used to where I live.
Hope this clears up somewhat what I was trying to convey.
Let's take the extremes out of this conversation. I'm simply saying that there is a noticeable difference in communities regarding talk about appearances, clothes, shaitels etc. At least to me there is. It's not nonexistent in out of town communities, but it's less.
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amother
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 7:02 pm
| amother Holly wrote: | I just reread the poll and realize there's a bit of confusion here.
The title says "when you meet a friend at a simcha do you tell her she looks beautiful". The poll said, when you meet "someone".
Then the OP says, "like if its the mother of the kalla. "
So people may be responding to different things.
1. If you go to a wedding, and you meet a friend there (who is not part of the bridal party) do you tell her that she looks amazing, beautiful (whatever word you want to use.)
2. When you meet the kalla or her mother do you tell her she looks beautiful?
I don't think it's the same thing.
Personally, if I was the mother of the bride and someone told me I look amazing, I would accept it as normal. I would smile, say thank you and move on. (I would also not be insulted if no one commented. )
But if I was stam a person at the wedding, I would not expect it, and I don't find that to be the norm in my community. For the record, I live out of town, and that may make a difference here.
No, when I go to a wedding, I will NOT ask the baalas simcha how her daughter is doing in seminary. That is obviously not what I meant. But I would ask the neighbor or cousin who I don't see often how her daughter is. I would not comment on their appearance. I don't think it's called for.
Now, I know this conversation was meant to uncover patterns in different communities. As someone who has been in different communities, both in town and out of town, I have seen a very stark difference in this area.
In more heimish/chassidish, in town weddings and gatherings, a normal greeting would include a comment or compliment on the person's appearance. Not so in out of town or litvish out of town communities. This is not a judgement, just an observation on a difference in culture.
I may be a bit extreme when I say that I take "offense" if someone would comment on my appearance, but as I stated earlier, I said that tongue-in-cheek. Of course I know that no offense was meant. All I mean to say is that I personally don't appreciate my appearance being commented on, nor is it something I am used to where I live.
Hope this clears up somewhat what I was trying to convey.
Let's take the extremes out of this conversation. I'm simply saying that there is a noticeable difference in communities regarding talk about appearances, clothes, shaitels etc. At least to me there is. It's not nonexistent in out of town communities, but it's less. |
I actually compliment any friend I meet who looks like she put effort into dressing up and looking good at a wedding. I'd say "hiiiii Chany! I'm so happy to see you! You look so good. How's your daughter in seminary?"
I wrote MOB as an example because she definitely put lots of effort into looking good that day.
The friend I discussed it with IRL said she'd never add the line "you look so good" when greeting a friend, and would not like if I'd say it to her either at any event, including at her child's wedding.
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penguin
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 7:14 pm
I hear about people preferring to be appreciated for more than appearance.
OTOH since most people put a lot of effort and money onto a simcha, and do look better than their daily, I feel moved to say how nice they look, how nice their gown.
Out of hands! But. Someone may feel insulted bec it implies they don't usually look too good? Or is that just my insecure child part's thought?
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amother
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 8:17 pm
| amother Holly wrote: | Absolutely not!
I never comment on anyone's looks and I don't think I'm rude.
If the person is the baalas simcha, I say Mazel tov, such a beautiful simcha (not referring to the trappings, but the simcha itself) asach nachas!! Etc.
Why would I comment on her looks? |
Why the blank would you not comment on how good a women looks? Definitely don't comment one's negative attributes but after a women spent half a day beautifying herself of course she should be complimented! Pick some think hair makeup attire.... say something complimentary!!
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chestnut
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Mon, Oct 14 2024, 8:26 pm
| amother Holly wrote: | I just reread the poll and realize there's a bit of confusion here.
The title says "when you meet a friend at a simcha do you tell her she looks beautiful". The poll said, when you meet "someone".
Then the OP says, "like if its the mother of the kalla. "
So people may be responding to different things.
1. If you go to a wedding, and you meet a friend there (who is not part of the bridal party) do you tell her that she looks amazing, beautiful (whatever word you want to use.)
2. When you meet the kalla or her mother do you tell her she looks beautiful?
I don't think it's the same thing.
Personally, if I was the mother of the bride and someone told me I look amazing, I would accept it as normal. I would smile, say thank you and move on. (I would also not be insulted if no one commented. )
But if I was stam a person at the wedding, I would not expect it, and I don't find that to be the norm in my community. For the record, I live out of town, and that may make a difference here.
No, when I go to a wedding, I will NOT ask the baalas simcha how her daughter is doing in seminary. That is obviously not what I meant. But I would ask the neighbor or cousin who I don't see often how her daughter is. I would not comment on their appearance. I don't think it's called for.
Now, I know this conversation was meant to uncover patterns in different communities. As someone who has been in different communities, both in town and out of town, I have seen a very stark difference in this area.
In more heimish/chassidish, in town weddings and gatherings, a normal greeting would include a comment or compliment on the person's appearance. Not so in out of town or litvish out of town communities. This is not a judgement, just an observation on a difference in culture.
I may be a bit extreme when I say that I take "offense" if someone would comment on my appearance, but as I stated earlier, I said that tongue-in-cheek. Of course I know that no offense was meant. All I mean to say is that I personally don't appreciate my appearance being commented on, nor is it something I am used to where I live.
Hope this clears up somewhat what I was trying to convey.
Let's take the extremes out of this conversation. I'm simply saying that there is a noticeable difference in communities regarding talk about appearances, clothes, shaitels etc. At least to me there is. It's not nonexistent in out of town communities, but it's less. |
Phew, so you meant when talking to regular guests, not mothers of the bride and groom? Then we're all in agreement. No one will be going to all guests saying they look gorgeous, unless something is really gorgeous. I definitely complimented outfits of some women I didn't know because I thought they were original, in style or color. Received same compliments from strangers as well. I think it's nice and doesn't reduce me or them to shallowness. But other wedding guests you know, of course, we talk to them about other things.
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