When you meet a friend at a wedding do you tell them

amother

Gray ↓

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 9:14 am

I think it’s only nice to compliment someone when they worked hard.
Even a natural gorgeous person will take extra measures to beautify herself for her child’s wedding.
Purchasing the right dress, shoes, accessories takes time. Hiring a makeup artist who is skilled is something that people pay for because it’s important.
The end result is a beautiful person who tries to look the best she possibly can in honor of the event.
So yes, if you know her on a personal level I would think it’s nice to compliment her on her appearance.
You don’t have to say the word beautiful if that makes you uncomfortable but you definitely should say- you really look good or the equivalent.

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 9:32 am

Kallah, mother of chosson/kallah, siblings etc, I would probably make a point of expressing how they look. I might not say the word beautiful-might comment on the gown or use the word gorgeous or stunning, but the same general meaning. Anyone just attending the simcha, maybe yes or no.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 9:33 am

amother Gray wrote:

I agree with you.
Can those who voted "No" chime in and explain why not?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 9:50 am

amother Mustard wrote:

I hate when I'm wearing something I hate (e.g. something I'm wearing to please a kallah with bad taste) and I get compliments. It feels like the person's mocking me, even if they don't mean it that way.

That's different and I can see why you hate it.

amother

Linen ↓

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 10:21 am

I was taught that it is polite to tell the people at a wedding how nice they look.

Also, I am terrible at small talk and the kallah's mother or sister etc are usually too distracted to have a real conversation, so giving them a compliment is usually easier than thinking of something else to say and gives them an out to just say thank you and go back to their simcha if they have things they need to do or it isn't a good time for them to talk, so it is also meant to be helpful to them. And if they have time to chitchat with me, they can continue the conversation, but this way they don't have to awkwardly end a conversation with me if they are needed elsewhere (e.g., pictures, getting the kallah something from her room, going to greet an out of town relative, coordinating with the band, etc.).

For reference, I'm modern orthodox.

amother

Holly ↓

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 11:14 am

amother Bronze wrote:

Why would anyone not like to be told that they look beautiful? Scratching Head

Because some people feel they are more than their looks. So if the first thing you have to say is how beautiful I look, you are focusing on my externals. I'm a 45 year old married lady, not a young girl in shidduchim. I have no need or desire for random people, or even relatives, to comment on my appearance.
This is not a value judgement, just my own feelings.
I find it off putting when I see someone, and the first thing you say is "wow you look great!" I just find it shallow.
However, I do think it's community dependant. So in communities where this is expected, I can hear that people appreciate it. But it's not an expectation in my world.

amother

↑ Gray

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 11:22 am

amother Holly wrote:

I’m older than you are. If I were to see you at a wedding and your face and shaitel looked absolutely stunning I would probably tell you that you really look good.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 11:24 am

amother Holly wrote:

Thank you for chiming in. This is what my friend said. It was surprising to me. I ALWAYS compliment friends at weddings and thought that not complimenting would be rude. But we are from different communities so that might be it.

amother

Alyssum

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 11:28 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

I tell them the simcha is beautiful .

amother

↑ Scarlet ↓

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 11:30 am

amother Holly wrote:

Being told you look good hen you do is not something only a young girl in shidduchim would feel good hearing. Besides, what internal thing would you like people to comment on at your simcha?

amother

↑ Holly ↓

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 11:36 am

amother Scarlet wrote:

Being told you look good hen you do is not something only a young girl in shidduchim would feel good hearing. Besides, what internal thing would you like people to comment on at your simcha?

Oh, anything! It doesn't have to be "internal". Just make normal conversation aside from focusing on my appearance.
So good to see you! When did you get to town? How is your daughter in seminary?
I absolutely do not wish for someone to comment on my appearance, no matter how good my shaitel and makeup are.

scintilla

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 11:43 am

amother Holly wrote:

I definitely think you're in the minority for not wanting anyone to comment on it at all. Also, when I comment on how someone looks at a simcha I'm also (intentionally) acknowledging all the time and effort they put into finding the right gown, getting their hair and makeup done and putting the whole look together. That takes a lot of effort!! I know for myself and my simchos that even though I'm not a super fancy or materialistic person, it was important to me that I should look good and when people complimented me on that it was very satisfying and rewarding that I achieved that goal.

So it's more than a shallow "omg you look ahmayyyyzing!!"

amother

↑ Linen

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 12:01 pm

amother Linen wrote:

I wanted to add that it makes me uncomfortable when people comment on my appearance, I think it is shallow and irrelevant (and possibly not true, just something people say), but that is just me personally. But I would never ever be offended if someone commented that I look good, because I know they are trying to be nice. So even if it isn't a value that I hold personally, I always graciously say thank you and move on with my life.