Basic Manners and Middos

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 8:05 pm

frumommy wrote:

Explain to him in Torah terms: "U'mol es levavchem" -- we're commanded to do a milah of the hard parts of our hearts.
"V'ahavta l'rayecha kamocha" - we are *supposed* to feel other's pain as if it was our own.
Dovid HaMelech says in Tehillim that he went around in mourning for others' losses as if it were his own.
The reason Dovid HaMelech was chosen to lead klal Yisroel was because he cared so much for their small helpless sheep, would carry a small, tired sheep back to the flock.

When we first got married, my husband scolded me for helping to clean up after a bris at shul ("You aren't the hired staff; don't act like some waitress!"). I explained that the family obviously put it together themselves and had no staff to help. They obviously have a new baby and have their hands full and there were a number of tables that needed to be cleared up, so why not chap a mitzvah and help?
Eventually, after another such simcha, he got the idea and started to help with clearing up too.

Sometimes we have to spell it out for them. Sara Imeinu had to tell Avraham Ainu that Yishmael could be a bad influence on Yitchak and had to go. Many examples of women pointing their husbands in the right direction. (And many men telling their wives also. Sometimes empathy can be debilitating and enough is enough...*only sometimes*)

We're Yidden. If someone needs help, needs someone to watch their child and give them dinner because of special circumstances, well...that's what we're SUPPOSED TO DO. That's why Hashem put us here. If we have a few spoons less for ourselves that night, tizku l'mitzvos! Who knows? Those spoonfuls of dinner might be the things that are put on the scales, that tip the scales for zechusim on yom haDin!

thank you!! food for thought!

amother

↑ Violet

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 8:13 pm

I don't know if he'd be willing to be tested but even if he's not, it's all symptom based. If he has the symptoms then he likely has ASD. There is no cure, no medication so it may not be worth getting him diagnosed especially if he would be opposed.
So my DHs autism is expressed in being very logical and self centered. He isn't selfish or controlling or mean. He doesn't naturally see others' perspective and he doesn't understand why a person would feel a certain way if logic would dictate otherwise.
The first foundational discussion to have with him is to discuss his natural patterns (to see things from a purely logical perspective) and that you are not the same. I explained that Hashem made us this way so that we can nurture our children and care for our home. The gift of binah yesairah is the gift of nuance, of the grey that involves more than just facts.
I explained that in marriage, especially when we are so different we will need to extend ourselves to be sensitive to the others' sensitivities. He to your emotional needs and you to his need to understand or process things logically.
We have had this type of discussion a few times. Now it's easier because I reference it. I tell him what's going on for me and tell him what I want from him ie please just hold me, please tell me that I will be ok etc. When I want to buy something, I tell him, I don't expect him to understand why this important to me, but we are not the same people and he should trust that I'm not frivolous and that I've thought this through and it's important for me. I will also extend respect to his sensitivities 'is there anything I can do that would make you feel more comfortable about this purchase". Sometimes I'll tell him I'm looking to buy a certain thing and ask him to do research on a good model or a good price.
We assume that each of us wants to please and care for the other. We accept that we don't understand each other but we are committed to trying and compromising.
Not sure if this is helpful.

amother

↑ Coral

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 8:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes, please!
Seriously, I need to have dh evaluated for this?

He definitely has some traits that align with being on the spectrum.

The question is why do you let him control you to this extent. When he tells you not to cry after your grandma died you just listened. I’m glad you stood up for yourself about the stroller (though I’m curious what color is not in anymore with strollers). Stand your ground.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 8:28 pm

amother Violet wrote:

great stuff, thank you!