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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
thegiver
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 Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:17 pm
It comes from the home. It doesn’t necessarily mean parents. He could’ve picked it up from siblings who he admired or just rubbed off on him.
I think the goal of marriage is to realize it’s a journey towards oneness and how to give criticism is to first feel like you are one by validating the other side and then trying to cheer you up by saying the ikar of life isn’t this world tho then a hug bec “touch tames tension”
I’m an intellectual and it took me years and years to pick up emotional sensitivity. Still working on it. Doing tons of teshuva for all the harsh words I created when I thought I was really being helpful!!  ((
Watching others role model it helps. Having a conversation about the need for validation before any “wise insights” is helpful!! He needs to know how women operate.
Good luck!!
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:18 pm
any recommendation for marriage counselor in brooklyn?
I think we can benefit a session or two
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:19 pm
| amother OP wrote: | small purchases, I buy what I need and dont overbuy.
large purchases, of course I discuss before. im not a spender and im not a sucker. |
You need to change something if he just says no for no reason. Go buy it, it's time to say you had enough.
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:21 pm
| amother Mauve wrote: | | You need to change something if he just says no for no reason. Go buy it, it's time to say you had enough. |
carriage is sitting in my house in the amazon box right now and im not sure what im feeling.........
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:21 pm
| amother Mauve wrote: | | You need to change something if he just says no for no reason. Go buy it, it's time to say you had enough. |
he has reason, old one is in good condition........ hes right!!
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:22 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | he has reason, old one is in good condition........ hes right!! |
So what. You can get an updated one if you have the money.
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:23 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | carriage is sitting in my house in the amazon box right now and im not sure what im feeling......... |
Open it and use it. Since your method of letting him always get his way didn’t work, try a new method.
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:26 pm
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What is the really reason he doesn’t want you to get a new carriage? You claim money isn’t an issue. Is he saying “no” to spite you? Or he truly feels it’s nit needed and doesn’t want to spend the extra 400$.
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:29 pm
| amother Jetblack wrote: | | What is the really reason he doesn’t want you to get a new carriage? You claim money isn’t an issue. Is he saying “no” to spite you? Or he truly feels it’s nit needed and doesn’t want to spend the extra 400$. |
because ours is in good condition... hes very much like this. "I dont mind if you spend 100$ on your outfit but it should be really nice (what he considers nice).... I dont mind if you buy a new carriage but not if we have a perfect one in the side..." hes right I agree but......
I would agree if my feelings wouldnt get in the way. it makes me feel awkward to use it. im using a travel carriage instead and its really not good. I need a normal good one
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:31 pm
| amother OP wrote: | because ours is in good condition... hes very much like this. "I dont mind if you spend 100$ on your outfit but it should be really nice (what he considers nice).... I dont mind if you buy a new carriage but not if we have a perfect one in the side..." hes right I agree but......
I would agree if my feelings wouldnt get in the way. it makes me feel awkward to use it. im using a travel carriage instead and its really not good. I need a normal good one |
And when you tell him how you feel he’s just cold hearted? Sounds like he makes a lot of cheshbonos on your part. The whole you can have it if.. is disrespectful and demeaning.
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:33 pm
| amother OP wrote: | because ours is in good condition... hes very much like this. "I dont mind if you spend 100$ on your outfit but it should be really nice (what he considers nice).... I dont mind if you buy a new carriage but not if we have a perfect one in the side..." hes right I agree but......
I would agree if my feelings wouldnt get in the way. it makes me feel awkward to use it. im using a travel carriage instead and its really not good. I need a normal good one |
It’s the same issue you described above. He needs to understand your feelings better….. I’m sorry….
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:33 pm
| amother Mauve wrote: | | And when you tell him how you feel he’s just cold hearted? Sounds like he makes a lot of cheshbonos on your part. The whole you can have it if.. is disrespectful and demeaning. |
cold hearted, yes
no respect to my feelings
I told him yesterday that I want to discuss something with him tonight when we are both calm and relaxed
but now im not sure exactly what im meant to say
how can I make him aware and/or change over his basic middos?
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:34 pm
| amother Jetblack wrote: | | It’s the same issue you described above. He needs to understand your feelings better….. I’m sorry…. |
SOS!
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:43 pm
This is almost identical to my DH. He is on the spectrum. It can be so infuriating!!!! He's logically right so you second guess yourself, he's not being controlling he's just being logical and black and white.
I can share some things that works for me, if you think it may be helpful.
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:45 pm
| amother Violet wrote: | This is almost identical to my DH. He is on the spectrum. It can be so infuriating!!!! He's logically right so you second guess yourself, he's not being controlling he's just being logical and black and white.
I can share some things that works for me, if you think it may be helpful. |
Yes, please!
Seriously, I need to have dh evaluated for this?
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amother
DarkRed
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:54 pm
Would he be willing to read a book or listen to the audiobook version?
"Permission to feel" is a fantastic one for someone not used to allowing emotions in.
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amother
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:56 pm
| amother DarkRed wrote: | Would he be willing to read a book or listen to the audiobook version?
"Permission to feel" is a fantastic one for someone not used to allowing emotions in. |
thanks!
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frumommy
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:58 pm
Explain to him in Torah terms: "U'mol es levavchem" -- we're commanded to do a milah of the hard parts of our hearts.
"V'ahavta l'rayecha kamocha" - we are *supposed* to feel other's pain as if it was our own.
Dovid HaMelech says in Tehillim that he went around in mourning for others' losses as if it were his own.
The reason Dovid HaMelech was chosen to lead klal Yisroel was because he cared so much for their small helpless sheep, would carry a small, tired sheep back to the flock.
When we first got married, my husband scolded me for helping to clean up after a bris at shul ("You aren't the hired staff; don't act like some waitress!"). I explained that the family obviously put it together themselves and had no staff to help. They obviously have a new baby and have their hands full and there were a number of tables that needed to be cleared up, so why not chap a mitzvah and help?
Eventually, after another such simcha, he got the idea and started to help with clearing up too.
Sometimes we have to spell it out for them. Sara Imeinu had to tell Avraham Ainu that Yishmael could be a bad influence on Yitchak and had to go. Many examples of women pointing their husbands in the right direction. (And many men telling their wives also. Sometimes empathy can be debilitating and enough is enough...*only sometimes*)
We're Yidden. If someone needs help, needs someone to watch their child and give them dinner because of special circumstances, well...that's what we're SUPPOSED TO DO. That's why Hashem put us here. If we have a few spoons less for ourselves that night, tizku l'mitzvos! Who knows? Those spoonfuls of dinner might be the things that are put on the scales, that tip the scales for zechusim on yom haDin!
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amother
Wheat
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Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:58 pm
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I'm not a big believer in midos issues, I believe it's mostly wiring. I would guess he's on the spectrum. Adhd wiring can also make for very poorly developed interpersonal skills.
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