Basic Manners and Middos

amother

Ginger

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:02 pm

people on the spectrum often experience empathy but dont express it. not diagnosing, just using this "symptom" as an example.
So he feels that you're worried, but tries to fix it by unhelpful behaviors instead of empathizing.
If this is true for him, then it's skills he's missing, not feelings, and those can definitely be taught.
You could start by explaining things at a calm time. like, pick one type of situation and tell him what you'd like in that situation, and see if he is willing to try and gradually improves at it. For example, tell him, "when I'm crying, it will help me if you listen to me talk about why I'm sad."
If he's willing to learn the skills, but it doesn't work when you try this, then therapy could help.

amother

Broom

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 10:33 pm

I’m so impressed with your introspection and level of understanding. You’re in such a difficult situation but aren’t loosing it like so many other ppl would.
Is your dh interested in hearing suggestions? Does he want to work on himself? Does he listen to you?
To me, this matters more than anything because then you have something more to work with. If he is interested, I would suggest to him to look at things from a curious place. He doesn’t have to empathize, but he could at least question and try not to judge.

singleagain ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 12:24 am

amother OP wrote:

good point. maybe he mocks my crying or worrying because he thinks he will talk me out of it.
I was pregnant with my first when my very close grandmother passed away. he didnt let me cry. said it can harm the baby. advised me to LOCK OUT of all feelings. and I listened to him... not sure if that was good or bad...

It's not usually healthy to lock out feelings. feelings should be felt. If you need to cry you should. You cannot talk your way out feeling it's like telling someone not to think of a white elephant, they immediately think of it

In general does he emote?

ora_43

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 12:44 am

How does he react when you remind him to say goodbye, say 'I love you,' etc?

Does he try to get other people to stop crying/worrying/etc by telling them that it's not helpful, or just you?

To me it sounds like two separate issues:

1. A bit inconsiderate in the most literal sense. Like, forgetful of other people's emotions/expectations.

2. He deals with his own difficult emotions by dismissing them with The Power of Logic (or so he thinks, anyway), and he thinks this is a great approach that you should be using, too.

Re: #1, I'd pick one thing to 'work on' and let the rest slide.

'work on' in quotes there because it's his issue, so really he's the only one who can change it. But if he's not resistant to change you could make a habit of eg telling him 'good night' every night (and asking him to respond), or even put a reminder in his phone, like, 'it's thursday, time to compliment wife'.

Re: #2 I'd directly tell him you're not interested. "dh, I'm not looking for logical reasons not to feel my emotions. I want to feel my emotions." And maybe ask explicitly for what you do want (because it could be that your 'problem' emotions make him want to fix things, and the Man Logic is his attempt to do that), eg, "Could I please have a hug?" or "I just want to talk about how sad I am for a few minutes, you don't need to say anything, but I'd love it if you could listen."

IDK if any of that will work, just initial thoughts/ideas.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 8:31 am

ora_43 wrote:

Thanks to everyone who responded with comments and ideas.
Also, thanks to the posted who complimented me (lol) for taking it easy.
I will try some of the ideas and hope for improvement. maybe a dmc by the broadwalk will penetrate his mind... I never discussed this with him besides that I asked for more verbal recognition a couple of times.

I do have a regular life, no complaints bh, thanking hashem every day for all he has given me!
but its just missing the extra spice, the extra and much needed warmth.
I have posted other topics previously on other threads and people dont understand my dh for certain actions.... it makes me feel like im married to a bad person chas vsholom.
But im feeling this way because im only listing my issues. bh he does a lot for us and I appreciate it.
I am a very appreciative and warm person.

I was even mocked by my friends when I said something like "oh, my husband is in traffic, I feel bad" or "wow, my husband is having a really hectic day"... she says "I dont feel bad for him! look at you watching all the kids here. hes having a party in traffic! does he feel bad for you?? (oh, gooooood question. but I didnt think that way!!)"
so I guess im more emotional and warm than I need to be.
I got so used to certain ways he acts... its just normal to me...
oh well, thanks for giving me a platform to bring this up!

amother

Moccasin

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 9:14 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm married 9 years.
There I something not so wonderful about my wonderful dh that bothers me daily.
And its called- basic manners and middos!

when he leaves the house, he wont say bye, im going. when he will walk in, he will be buried in his mail and forget to say hi (I will say hi...). doesnt say good night unless I say first. wont tell me how good I am or that he loves me.

I helped my friend today, shes marrying off soon so I took one of her kids for the afternoon. dh wanted to know why is she here and WHY am I giving her from our supper??
whats the question here- why??? whats wrong here??

when someone passed away suddenly and I took it hard and cried, he mocked me that im so sensitive, telling me to look at the bright side of the death that the person wasnt sick for many years...

when I tell him I worry about something, he wouldnt validate. rather, he would say that worrying is stupid and it wont help you and bla bla bla

I feel bad writing this post because bh our marriage is good. but it irks me to the next level!
ideas? thanks

Hi Op, I so relate to the whole first part. the part that doesn't pertain is the crying over a passing. my DH is very emotional like that. but otherwise, all the examples of him never greeting me, never asking how my day is, never telling me nice things, or that he loves me (only in bed proper) or getting upset about giving a neighbor supper; all things exactly like my DH.

really bothers me so much!
otherwise is is the best husband and father...I gave up on it along time ago but nice to know I'm not the only one:(

↑ singleagain

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 9:18 am

#BestBubby wrote:

OP, I will tell you the same thing I tell all the people complaining about their spouses that is not real abuse:

stop trying to change your spouse

I agree with you his lack of caring is upsetting
But you can only change yourself, you cannot change your spouse.

Don't wreck your sholom bayis over this.

You have to tolerate your spouses flaws.

I don't think you do have to tolerate spousal flaws. You should be able to have open honest conversations, and most spouses who care will try to modify a flaw for their loved ones

Obviously if you've spoken about it till your blue in the face and they still can't/won't try, then comes time for acceptance... But better to get it out in the open and see if change is possible.

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 10:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Do you have kids? if so, I assume you want them raised with manners and empathy, middos and menchlechkeit.

So you cant just sweep this under the rug.

Question is how to approach this with your dh.
Start with basics, like saying good bye, hello, good night, how are you, how was your day? Can I...?
Explain how important it is for the kids to see and hear this from their father.

Knowing his snarky remarks to having guests, I would send him a quick message that you are helping Malky out, and her Shoshie is here, she will be staying till after supper.

When you need validation you may have to spell it out for him till he develops an appreciation for it. For example: " Moishe, I need your understanding, I am really worried about Tanta Bassy, she is ...whatever.... what I need to hear from you is that its OK that I am worried and bezras Hashem, she will have a Refuah Shelayma.I will learn an extra mishna for her zechus..." (yes spell it out to him).

Try not to compare or blame your in laws, I am sure they did the best they could.

Best Bubby, I am not asking OP to change her dh, but to help him develop menchlechkeit manners, that will compliment the good person he already is.

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 10:14 am

amother OP wrote:

Your friends have no right mocking, you are empathizing. Just because he doesnt express empathy for you, doesnt mean you cant express empathy for him.
You do you. Be yourself and be proud.

amother

Chambray

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 10:24 am

amother OP wrote:

He might be trying to act that way, thinking women look up to a man if he acts cool and does not show emotions. Maybe explain to him that this way only makes you feel bad, and he will stop.

In the meantime, Hi/By should be mandatory. He is not living by himself. There is a partner in the room.

↑ Cheiny

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 3:08 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

I agree it sounds like he may be on the spectrum.

OP, I think he needs to be evaluated by a professional. This is not just being a “tough” man as you described it…

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 4:11 pm

Hi
I'm bumping this old thread again
please help me with a conversation draft that will bring my message across
I feel like he doesnt care for me or for my feelings
im so hurt

I wanted a new wig. didnt buy one in a very long time. I got the cheapest brand and a good deal. he tells me its my birthday gift and yt gift!! (he never buys me gifts officially becuase he doesnt know what to get me.....) im so upset. a wig, once in a few years is NOT double gift. if he would care for me he would say go out and buy yourself a gift for x$....

next, im talking about buying a new carriage for the past 3 years. the one I have is good but an odd color for todays world and it makes me very uncomfortable.... as many times as I tried explaining my feelings, he dismissed it saying that the carriage is in great condition and tough on what ppl think.....
I hear his point but sometimes you need to step out of logic to accomodate your wifes feelings- am I wrong?
I found a great deal this week and I bought it! I asked him and he said no again, I just purchased it. when he questioned the (cheap!) 400$ charge I said I bought the carriage and brought up my feelings again in short. he knows it by heart. he told me he will dispute the charge!

and its not a financial problem here, bh
I just feel like my feelings mean nothing to him
so please, im ready to have a conversation but I need some solid backing that wont make me feel horrible and will make him understand

thanks
im crying