Basic Manners and Middos

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 5:15 pm

I'm married 9 years.
There I something not so wonderful about my wonderful dh that bothers me daily.
And its called- basic manners and middos!

when he leaves the house, he wont say bye, im going. when he will walk in, he will be buried in his mail and forget to say hi (I will say hi...). doesnt say good night unless I say first. wont tell me how good I am or that he loves me.

I helped my friend today, shes marrying off soon so I took one of her kids for the afternoon. dh wanted to know why is she here and WHY am I giving her from our supper??
whats the question here- why??? whats wrong here??

when someone passed away suddenly and I took it hard and cried, he mocked me that im so sensitive, telling me to look at the bright side of the death that the person wasnt sick for many years...

when I tell him I worry about something, he wouldnt validate. rather, he would say that worrying is stupid and it wont help you and bla bla bla

I feel bad writing this post because bh our marriage is good. but it irks me to the next level!
ideas? thanks

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 5:24 pm

I dunno what was wrong when my in laws raised him. didnt they teach basic manners?
it's funny. his siblings are so not this way... so why did I luck out here. and how do I teach him

I just get upset. I try not to yell back but I am sharp and to the point with how stupid hes being.
I feel horrible

amother

Acacia

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 5:50 pm

Sounds like he lacks empathy, that's something that can't be taught. It's a trait that every person needs to work in on their own.
He doesn't sound like a very caring person.

tweety1 ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 5:56 pm

amother Acacia wrote:

Sounds like he lacks empathy, that's something that can't be taught. It's a trait that every person needs to work in on their own.
He doesn't sound like a very caring person.

It's not a contradiction at all. I can relate somewhat. Dh is very very caring. He doesn't know how to sympathize. My mil is the most caring human on the planet. She's the same way. Personally I think it's a nature. Funniest thing is, when dh complains to my mil how when she lacks to sympathize when he needs her sympathy and I'm like knock knock you're the same way LOL

I honestly do not think it's coming from a bad place. I truly think it's a nature just like any nature.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:02 pm

tweety1 wrote:

I honestly do not think it's coming from a bad place. I truly think it's a nature just like any nature.

wow
how do you deal with this? take any of my above examples

↑ tweety1

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

wow
how do you deal with this? take any of my above examples

So I very often don't share with him my worries. Occasionally I could. Sometimes I can tell him much later that I worried. When he asks me why I didn't tell him I tell him its because I know he'll either make fun or dismiss it. I know dh comes across as a terrible person but he's so not. He's the best husband and father. In the beginning of my marriage it was brutal but I've learned how to deal with it over the years. Nobody is perfect. He has flaws I have flaws. He lives with my shenanigans I live with his. Isn't that what marriage is all about?

amother

NeonYellow

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:12 pm

So I think I have pretty good middos but I lack empathy and I know where it stems from in my childhood. It really bothers dh that I can't show empathy when he is having a hard time. I am actively working on this issue on therapy. I would like to be more empathetic and understanding for dh and my kids (who are still very little).
Your dh has to realize the problem and want to actively change.

yiddishmom

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:29 pm

From my experience, the people who mock instead of sympathizing, or who try to tone it down, are actually very caring people with big hearts. This is their coping mechanism. Definitely need to learn to do better, but it doesn't mean he is an insensitive person.

As for the Hi/ Bye, I think it's harder for men to grasp the concept. My husband also doesn't get it why he needs to say bye when he leaves the house. And he is a very caring man. He does try to remember to let me know when he leaves, because I asked. But he doesn't understand why I even ask for it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:30 pm

tweety1 wrote:

wow. I feel mean, because I always have the last word. even just repeating back his silly question to him. or saying sarcastically yeah, youre right, 100%. or just answering back sharply.. I cant resist.
it's taking me nowhere... but I cant stay quiet (thats my flaw lol)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:31 pm

amother NeonYellow wrote:

wow good luck on that!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:32 pm

yiddishmom wrote:

good point. maybe he mocks my crying or worrying because he thinks he will talk me out of it.
I was pregnant with my first when my very close grandmother passed away. he didnt let me cry. said it can harm the baby. advised me to LOCK OUT of all feelings. and I listened to him... not sure if that was good or bad...

amother

Coral ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is he neurotypical?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:46 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I'm so sorry OP. That's not normal. I'm sorry I don't usually say such things but that's really not ok.

lol thanks for validating!
not that im going to do anything with this info .. Wink

hes really good, dw

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

lol thanks for validating!
not that im going to do anything with this info .. Wink

hes really good, dw

He sounds like he has some sort of blockage when it comes to expressing feelings. He may not be the devil incarnate, but this is not okay either. And not a healthy way to raise kids. Hope they are allowed to express themselves....

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:51 pm

Chayalle wrote:

hes great with the kids. they're young, he can talk to them warmly.
hes very social, all his friends respect and love him. hes quite opinionated, if that matters.
hes lucky that im easy, if ican agree with him, I agree. (but I stand on my rights for the others).
emotional blockage, yes, I think so.
he can improve with therapy?

amother

Mayflower

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:53 pm

I don't want you take this the wrong way,
But was your husband the person I saw throwing a dirty tissue into the potato display at the supermarket yesterday?
From what you described, It doesn't seem like he doesn't have "that" type of bad middos. It just seems he might be a little clueless or not. Intuned to to "finer details" of feelings.
And maybe with talking things out and explaining things he will understand.
Or maybe try and find a book or something on it.

↑ Chayalle

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

Probably, if he's willing and ready for that.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:57 pm

amother Mayflower wrote:

he was in the supermarket yesterday but it was definitely not him doing that stuff Wink

is there an individual- a rabbi/mentor I can ask about this?