S/O wild animals terrors or special needs?

amother

OP ↓

Today at 3:07 pm

When you see children who are badly behaved what do you assume?
Do you assume that they are wild animals and terrors or do you assume they must have special needs?
That other thread was so triggering to me. I cringe at my own children's behavior. I have developed severe anxiety over taking my 2 AuDHD kids out in public or having people over because of this kind of judgement. My children are impulsive, have meltdowns, have little to no table manners, say rude things and have issues with personal space.
I did not choose these issues. I have done everything I can to teach them otherwise. I am a literal shmatta from the social expectations that my children are just not meeting and I am judged for. This is not the home or family I dreamed of. This is the peckle Hashem gave me.
Next time you see a "wild animals" or "terror" of a child, hold some space for their mama who is just trying her best.

amother

Yarrow

Today at 3:12 pm

Omg I'm crying right along with you. My dc has what I call invisible special needs. I didn't choose this. I've invested so so much time and thousands and thousands of dollars I'm doing everything I can.
Lately, I've been getting complaints from neighbors about dc and I'm mortified but there's literally nothing I can do.
I feel for you. It's so mortifying. I'm going to daven for you and your kids.

amother

Mulberry ↓

Today at 3:14 pm

That thread was based off the parents not caring and not communicating with the host. You can't just ignore a hosts requests without a reasonable explanation about why you want your kids to wreck her house while you sit on the couch and relax.

No one judges parents who communicate the situation or who stay on top of their kids.

amother

Apple ↓

Today at 3:17 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

I'm the OP of the other thread. I'm so sorry that I triggered you, I think I could have worded things more nicely. My frustration wasn't so much with the actual behavior as much as the parents literally ignoring it, and not even apologizing to me or explaining, just letting them totally wreck my house.
Again I'm really sorry, I did not mean to hurt anyone.
ETA that I have two invisible SN siblings. not that that excuses anything I said that hurt anyone, but I can understand it. Their behavior is actually pretty similar to my nephew/niece's, with the difference being how my parents handle them.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 3:19 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

Did you not read the person who responded that we should just stay home? You know people with crazy children like ours should just stay in our houses and not inflict others.

amother

↑ Mulberry ↓

Today at 3:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

Did you not read the person who responded that we should just stay home? You know people with crazy children like ours should just in our houses and not inflict others.

The thread was very specifically about parents who don't care to discipline their kids. It really isn't about special needs. Also those kids are not necessarily special needs, looks like more of a permissive parenting issue.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 3:23 pm

amother Apple wrote:

You were ok, it was more the other comments and the direction the thread was going when I realized this could totally be about my kids except that I do correct and redirect my kids.
Honestly it's exhausting, sometimes I wish I could be one of those parents that are just laid back and gives myself a break.
My suggestion would be to speak to your SIL in advance, get suggestions and make a game plan. I think it's also ok for you to correct and redirect the kids.
I just wanted to share the pain of the other side of the story.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 3:25 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

My kids don't look special needs either, they act like kids who are undisciplined and have poor middos.

This thread isn't about that thread. It's about judging kids and judging parents.

Ema of 5

Today at 3:25 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

If only that were true….

amother

↑ Apple

Today at 3:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

Again I'm really really sorry.
And thanks for the suggestions!! Means more coming from someone who knows.

amother

↑ Mulberry

Today at 3:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

My kids don't look special needs either, they act like kids who are undisciplined and have poor middos.

This thread isn't about that thread. It's about judging kids and judging parents.

And what do you do? Do you explain to the host about what’s going on? Do you stop your kids from jumping on the couch when the host says please stop jumping? How do you communicate about their needs and issues? I have a difficult kid and I either stay on top of the kid or communicate how they will be acting and find out if it will be ok. If we just sit there and leave a host feeling overwhelmed and disrespected how can we expect people not to judge? We need to do our part the best we can. We can’t just ignore the whole situation.

amother

Blue

Today at 3:46 pm

Depends on how you are as parents, especially if the parent is a sibling it's not a once or twice coming into contact with them. You can get a fuller picture.
I know kids who are terrors because their parents just say, 'oh they are kids, of course they won't listen'.
If you say and act like that then yes I will judge you.
The way I see sil bringing up her kids I think they are terrors because of her. Nothing happened when the 6 yr old took our card game he was playing with my 6 yr old and threw nearly all of them under the little gap between the non moveable closet, 'oh he must have been loosing' or when he thought it will be so funny to pour soda over my DD Shabbos party. Not even 'say sorry it wasn't nice what you did' he doesn't have SN. He just wasn't brought up....
My child is the one with ADHD. I know bringing up kids is hard but at least show your host you are trying if they ask.

amother

Bisque ↓

Today at 3:47 pm

Op, a few of my kids have similar issues to yours. It cam be exhausting taking them out and embarrassing but it's never a free for all where I let them run wild. They need guidance and sometimes I have to take them outside.

It's not at all the same as parents who just refuse to give any supervision other than a halfhearted "no, stop".

I have family that let's their kids do whatever they want. Their parenting style is just ignoring. The kids do not have any hidden diagnoses. You can't compare the two situations.

amother

↑ OP

Today at 4:18 pm

I am on top of my kids, doesn't mean they listen or stop for longer than 10 seconds.
People do judge, all the time. They judge my parenting and my kids.

I started this thread to bring awareness and to ask what people assume when they see such behavior.

amother

↑ Bisque

Today at 4:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's true. I feel the judgement sometimes too. And I've heard it directly as well. But again, it's a very different iasue from parents who visibly refuse to parent their children.