Please help me prove I'm right

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:42 pm

Dh and I just had an argument regarding maaser.

He claims that maaser is taking 10% fo your income and setting it aside, and then you can take it back if you need it (by him needing it probably means after he has piles of cash stashed away)

I told him that as far as I'm aware, maaser is taking 10% of your income and giving it to tzedaka, unless you are so poor that you need tzedaka for yourself, that's when you don't need to give it further. He claims I'm 100% wrong and I dont know the halachos.

Please help me with sources because I'm really upset about this.

This argument came up after we got a 36k bonus this year, and I wanted to donate $3,600 to a shul that I feel can use it and he doesn't let me because he thinks we can use it (we have a nice amount of money in our bank account, but that means nothing to him.)

imanotmommy

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

The mitzvah is in last Shabbos parsha, if you want to look up the pesukim

SuperWify ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:49 pm

He’s right as far as I learned in HS. The mitzva is to separate your income even if you can’t afford to give.

Clarify with your rav.

ETA- didn’t see the last part where it says you can afford to give…

Last edited by SuperWify on Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:50 pm; edited 3 times in total

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:49 pm

You are right but I think it would be best to direct your husband to speak to a Rav. This is an argument best won by redirecting him to ask someone else.

amother

Opal

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:52 pm

Is dh the type to worry about money? Am extra careful type? I know people who think they genuinely may need the money at some point, so they put it aside until the end of the year, and then give it to tzedakah at the very end when they are managing. Even years later when they are more solvent, they continue to do it this way, just in case.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:53 pm

You’re both right.

A major part of the mitzvah of maaser is the actual setting aside of the money. Which is why many people are particular to not only keep track of how much they owe to maaser, but to have a separate bank account they transfer maaser funds to to make it clear it has been set aside.

And then of course, the purpose of setting it aside is to give it to tzedaka. Unless one can’t afford basic expenses. Talk to your rav if that’s the case.

Either way, maaser on money is a minhag, not a Halacha. for this reason, there is wiggle room in terms of what the set aside money is spent on. And also why people don’t need to worry about giving maaser on pre tax deductions, etc. It’s not a set in stone halachic area, it’s Jewish minhag.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:55 pm

Now he claims he didn't say this. He said he feels I shouldn't be giving all tzedaka money to a single place because then I'll need to give more and I'll have all my maaser used up (and hes like u give all our money away without a cheshbon). He totally didn't say that 10 minutes ago, but I called him out on being stingy so he changed his tune 🤷‍♀️

amother

Emerald

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:56 pm

Even the poor of the poor are supposed to give maaser. Poorness isn't an exemption.

You give it to tzedaka. To those who have less than you in some way.

You don't take it back if you need it.

Some Rabbi pasken certain expenses of grown children can qualify. Not everyone wants to take any leniency with this mitzvah.

Being strict with this mitzvah is known it brings financial blessing.

amother

Bluebonnet

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:56 pm

Does he do this in other matters of halacha as well?

My husband gets like this and is not really a knowledge/needing the facts issue. It's when he struggles with Yiddishkeit and halacha is not a priority...

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:57 pm

amother Opal wrote:

Yes, he grew up poor, and his father grew up even poorer than him (to the extent that half of his fathers siblings were living in orphanages for a while because they were that poor).

It's a generational thing, and it drives me crazy because I come from a family that is super generous. We'd take our shirts off our back for others.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:59 pm

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

Good question. I see him as a frum and Ehrlich guy, but he has no issue davening at home every day. I'm just confused.

amother

Myrtle

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 10:50 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

actually I'm not sure that the poor are obligated to give...

azoygeshmak

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 11:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes, he grew up poor, and his father grew up even poorer than him (to the extent that half of his fathers siblings were living in orphanages for a while because they were that poor).

Let’s just say I was furious at your husband until I read this part; now, I’m kind of mad at you.

You can talk to a rav on your own if your husband is resistant to calling. Then please ask the rov what to do as a wife in this situations, because that’s complicated, too. Halachically, the money is his. Etc.

Please please please don’t forget to tell the rov the info about your husband’s background.

B”H that you are both financially ok now, and that you both are trying to do right.

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 11:11 pm

As far as I’ve been told, once u separate the money u can not use it for yourself.
If u r too poor to give maaser then u don’t have to separate to begin with. But any money that was separated for maaser needs to be given to tzedakah

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 11:14 pm

azoygeshmak wrote:

I don't get it, we're not even close to poor now...?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 11:15 pm

amother Tuberose wrote:

That's what I understood too. He wasn't hearing me till I told him he's being stingy and doesn't know how to part with his money.