Please help me prove I'm right

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 11:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes, he grew up poor, and his father grew up even poorer than him (to the extent that half of his fathers siblings were living in orphanages for a while because they were that poor).

It's a generational thing, and it drives me crazy because I come from a family that is super generous. We'd take our shirts off our back for others.

What if you would be sensitive to his inherited trauma instead of arguing?

You can sympathize and empathize and show you understand how difficult this is for him. That tends to open up more flexibility than insisting you're right. It also opens up the chance for you to ask him to think about how you feel and how much giving means to you.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 11:50 pm

amother Seafoam wrote:

I could be compassionate, and I usually am. It's just the way he insisted that his opinion on how to give maaser is right is SO WRONG, he was just not hearing me out. But then he did say he meant something else afterwards so 🤷‍♀️

amother

Whitewash

Mon, Sep 23 2024, 12:54 am

Sounds like it’s a hard mitzva for him that’s all. And you having a plan of where to give the money to probably makes it harder for him. Someone who struggles with this mitzva needs to at least be involved in where the money goes. Maybe let him choose. He might want to give it to somewhere where he feels it’s extra needed since him parting with it is a big deal.

amother

Bergamot

Mon, Sep 23 2024, 1:23 am

amother Tuberose wrote:

As far as I’ve been told, once u separate the money u can not use it for yourself.
If u r too poor to give maaser then u don’t have to separate to begin with. But any money that was separated for maaser needs to be given to tzedakah

We were told opposite
You separate maaser but if you need money you can use it for yourself

↑ SuperWify

Mon, Sep 23 2024, 6:25 am

amother Tuberose wrote:

Wrong. You can.

kugelEater

Mon, Sep 23 2024, 6:25 am

Some say that you can use maaser for tuition. Not everyone holds by that, but it's worth asking a Rav if that is an option for you. Since tuition is something you are paying anyway...

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Sep 23 2024, 7:38 am

Poor people have to give tzeddakah, not necessarily maaser.
Tzeddakah can also be a good word to someone, a cup of water etc.

Op, your dh is a good person. Can you imagine if it was you who grew up like that and not him? and the roles would be reversed?

Do the right thing, but be kind while you're at it.

He has a point, not to want to give it all to one place.

Ksiva Vchasima tova for a year of abundance!

Success10

Mon, Sep 23 2024, 7:51 am

OP there seems to be a bigger issue of you needing to be proven right here. It's even the title of the thread. Can't you just know in your heart that you're right and not insist that he acknowledge it?

amother

Brown

Mon, Sep 23 2024, 7:55 am

[quote=]And also why people don’t need to worry about giving maaser on pre tax deductions, etc. It’s not a set in stone halachic area, it’s Jewish minhag.[/quote]

Is this across the board what everyone holds? I was first told no need and then told I should take maaser on pretax deductions. My pretax deductions include medical insurance and flex spending accounts. Curious if I should reask?

amother

Moccasin

Mon, Sep 23 2024, 7:56 am

kugelEater wrote:

Some say that you can use maaser for tuition. Not everyone holds by that, but it's worth asking a Rav if that is an option for you. Since tuition is something you are paying anyway...

Yes, since tuition prices are inflated in some schools so as to cover those who can't pay.

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Sep 23 2024, 8:31 am

amother Emerald wrote:

Even the poor of the poor are supposed to give maaser. Poorness isn't an exemption.

You give it to tzedaka. To those who have less than you in some way.

You don't take it back if you need it.

Some Rabbi pasken certain expenses of grown children can qualify. Not everyone wants to take any leniency with this mitzvah.

Being strict with this mitzvah is known it brings financial blessing.

This is what we learned in elementary school, that even if you have only one dollar you need to give ten cents to tzedaka!
But then we grew up. And DH actually asked a rav and was told that we don't need to give maaser until our financial situation improves.