5 yr old got called to menahel's office

notshanarishona

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 3:09 pm

I think you are making a big deal out of something very small . At Kindergarten age, principal isn’t scary like with older kids. They just speak to the kids when the teacher doesn’t have time to get to the bottom of it. It’s normal for kids to occasionally hit and normal for them to be told off for it.
Also it’s not really socially appropriate to call another parent about a small fight in school. It should be dealt with in school

mha3484

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 3:14 pm

I agree that calling the principal is normal. I would never call the other mother unless she's someone I know well. I had to do it once when my friends son and mine got into a bus fight and was super uncomfortable but I felt like I needed to skip the middle man.

My boys school has a fantastic principal for the youngest grades and he's often available to take calls when the rebbe isn't because he's not teaching so I've called him plenty of times and when the rebbe gets a break he fills him in. Its much easier. Please don't overreact. Boys get more physical with each other and we just have to channel it correctly. My 8 year old's rebbe had him running up and down stairs the other day to burn some energy.

nechamashifra

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 3:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

Right. I spoke to other more older, experienced mothers on the phone and apparently it's a normal thing for boys to do at this age.
That is my question, also, why did she run to the principal and not the rebbe?

I wouldn't concentrate so much on this other mom. You know your son. You know he's not the type to hit. Don't scold him after he's already been scolded by the principal. It's very important that he knows that you know he's a good kid.

Also, I'd be a little annoyed at the Rebbe for not knowing what happened. They're 5 year olds.

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 3:38 pm

Totally counterintuitive, but I would call the mother up to invite her son for a play-date with my son, make it structured and keep an eye to the interaction between the boys. Either the bully will reveal himself or they will be like normal 5 year olds, forget about the past and become friends.
Dont stay mired in what happened, see if you can help them become friends (if possible)
If the other boy is a bully, you will see it too. And maybe have better guidance for your son.

imaima ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 3:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

He got called into the menahel's office because a mother of a boy from his class complained that my son pushed her son once. Knowing my child, he is a very sensitive boy. He wouldn't push for no reason unless it was in self defense. We teach strongly to our kids that hands are for mitzvos, not for making booboos but such is life that siblings fight (he has a sister under him age 3) Obviously I tried to get the full story out of him and explained to him that pushing is wrong but getting the story out was like pulling teeth 🦷. I am upset that the mother did not reach out to me his actual mother and ran straight to the principal. As someone who went to public school, is this the normal thing to do? I would be upset also if my son was ch"v a bully and there was repeated pushing, and we would do our best to correct the behavior. As we were scolding him he was full on crying in pure distress, screaming at us "no, no, no!" Also this happened only once as the rebbe said. (And the rebbe does not know what happened before.)
I am not sure how to handle it. This morning I told my son that he should say sorry to the boy and again he got very agitated. Can someone please tell me if this is typical behavior of the other mother? Because I rather that she should talk to me, his mother and not run straight to the principal. That's humiliating either way. AND it's not even a month into cheder. I feel very horrified about the whole thing.
ETA
This was the first time ever that he was called into the menahel's office.
ETA 2: he keeps to himself in cheder, has at least one friend.

Yes it’s normal to call the school to handle something that happened at school.
It’s their job to sort these things.
I am surprised that one push warranted such a reaction

amother

Cappuccino ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 11:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

He told me what happened after I tucked him into bed. The kid tore up his art work, a bus drawing. Either way it is wrong. I validated his pain and hurt, and told him the next time this kid does something, he needs to tell the rebbe fast.

I just want to validate for you that sending your oldest boy to cheder is a nerve-racking experience for any mother as none of us have been in boys cheder, especially for someone like you who didn't go to a frum girls school either. As a mother just a couple years ahead of you, I wan to assure you that you will eventually get the hang of things. You will develop a sense for who to speak to about what and what to take seriously and what to ignore. It takes time and patience but you will get there.
Until then, the basic principles shared here by other posters will be helpful for you. Never believe a child's version as the full story, never scold based on what others share, avoid scolding in general and focus on constructive instrospective conversation, you can always repair even if you yelled at him and always be your child's biggest advocate.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Sep 19 2024, 1:43 am

amother Daphne wrote:

I really think in this case the principal should've called you first and then you could've asked your child what happened and then given the principal the feedback. Being called to the principals office can be scary for a 5 year old even if he's nice.

Its not pleasant for anyone. I hope and daven that this won't affect his school year. I put a lollipop in his briefcase to give to the other kid tomorrow.

amother

Aster ↓

Thu, Sep 19 2024, 2:09 am

amother OP wrote:

Oy. So there's no way for us to rectify this? We want to get to the bottom of it and get the whole story and then get back to the menahel and explained what happened, so the other mother will know the whole story too.

The bully's mother is also a bully.

Have the child tell you the bully's name. The next time he touches your child go straight to the principal. Your child should also go straight to the principal.

Do not bother with the mother. If she was worth speaking to she wouldn't have gone to the principal from the get-go, she would've reached out to the teacher or to you.

If this continues clarify to the principal that you will take additional steps because you will not allow your child to be both bullied and gaslit.

amother

NeonGreen

Thu, Sep 19 2024, 2:35 am

amother OP wrote:

You are your sons voice and you should let the principle know why he did it. And the principle should have gotten the full story as well we all know there is 2 sides to every story (well 3 really lol ) also regarding the lollipop that’s really kind but just want to put it out there someone brought it to my attention after a therapist told me to send a snack to my sons bully so they can be friends someone else said that the bully can take it the wrong way like oh he’s getting rewarded for hitting/bothering the other child. Just something to keep in mind…. Hopefully your son has a great year and so does the other boy it should all go smooth .

amother

↑ Aster ↓

Thu, Sep 19 2024, 2:35 am

realtalk wrote:

Keep in mind, this other boy may be the oldest in his family and the mother is figuring out how to navigate cheder as well. There's no reason to automatically assume the mother is a bully, out to get your kid, whatever

Unfortunately I have found that bullies have bully parents.

Every time I forget this and try to talk to a bully's parents (neighbors etc.) I am painfully reminded of why I don't usually speak to them.

Bully parents threaten you and your kids if you try to speak to them. It's just not worth it. The kids learned bullying from somewhere, this is where.

Normal kids don't pick on the quiet or different ones and don't randomly go ruin other people's work, there are scuffles and kid fights but constantly picking on a quiet kid or different kid or whatever is bully behavior. And bully kids have bully parents.

If your kid and mine get into a fight because fights happen then I don't see you as a bully parent. If your kid is picking on mine so that every day or every other day I hear your kid's name did something to my child, or it wasn't a fight but rather deliberate targeting like going up to my child and ripping my child's picture, then yeah I don't think there's a point in speaking to you. Unless you come up to me yourself and tell me that you know your child can be a problem and you are working on it and to please speak to you, then I know that you are not a bully parent you are a parent of a difficult child and aware of your child's difficulties. Bully parents, by and large, are parents of PERFECT children who are always victims of the people they attack.

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Thu, Sep 19 2024, 2:50 am

amother Aster wrote:

Sadly, you are correct. BUt that doesnt mean we throw in the towel. I once had to call the parents and despite KNOWING they are bullies themselves, I told them "Im not asking for response or you to take action or an apology, I just want you be aware of what your son did to my son in the bus today...."
They didnt answer.
It never happened again.

amother

↑ Aster ↓

Thu, Sep 19 2024, 3:17 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

Nice.
Did you hang up after you said that? Because when I tried that in the past (several times) they always pick on me and either threaten or gaslight.

↑ imaima

Thu, Sep 19 2024, 3:40 am

amother NeonGreen wrote:

Agree, don’t teach your son to befriend his abuser.
He ripped his painting, got him in trouble with menahel and now he will get a lolly for his effort?
Are trying to kill him with kindness?

amother

↑ Cappuccino ↓

Thu, Sep 19 2024, 5:24 am

amother Aster wrote:

I don't think the behaviors that were described were bullying behaviors. My son has been on the receiving end and the giving end of these behaviors when he was in his first year of cheder and new to the bus. Kids do stupid things. They aren't cruel and I think that labeling wild children as bullies doesn't help anyone in the long run. I work hard to raise good kids but they are their own people and yes, they have done mean things but they are not mean kids.