S/O Are wealthy parents are obligated to support...

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amother

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:46 pm

This is a spin off of the thread where the poster wants to buy an expensive house and is resentful her father isn't giving her more money. She says her father raised her a certain way but now doesn't want to support her to that level. Do you think parents are obligated to support their married kids in the manner that they were raised if they can afford to do so?

Aurora

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:49 pm

No. But they should be raising their children with the skills to get to wealth on their own one day.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:51 pm

I agree with Aurora. As a matter of fact, in America it’s a trend not to support kids (like the Waltons whose father started Walmart, for example). And in the Gemara a father is obligated to teach his son a trade so that he doesn’t come to steal (or whine on and on about being supported).

amother

Cerulean ↓

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:51 pm

Absolutely not.
They should also be mindful of not overly spoiling their kids in order to avoid these kinds of expectations later on.

amother

Lightpink

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:53 pm

There's no obligation but if you want to have successful kids don't spoil them rotten and not teach them a work ethic and a way to support themselves and then throw them into reality and say not my problem. Is that really the relationship you want to have with your children?

amother

Bubblegum

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:53 pm

I don't believe that anyone's entitled to anybody else's money. And I honestly I have more of a problem with rich parents that support fully (even excessively) and then cut off all support when the child either reaches a certain age or gets married
That being said, when I Bezras Hashem have the money to do so, I'd happily support and pay a decent amount towards a down payment. But I would only do so if I can give that amount to all of my children. And I'd probably wanna make sure my kids could afford to buy the house rather than just throwing money at them that they wouldn't know how to use/waste

*we got a loan for our down payment that we paid back within 18 months

zaq

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:55 pm

ABSOLUTELY NOT. In fact, it's probably a bad idea.

amother

Latte ↓

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:55 pm

I think wealthy parents are obligated to teach children responsibility at a young age. Dh’s parents bought our home for us in cash BH (no strings attached, they are very kind and generous). He had to work when he was in high school in the summers. He was raised learning concepts such as working hard, investing, not being showy.

Even though we don’t make as much money as his parents do, and cannot live that lifestyle, dh does not have a sense of entitlement, which allows him to be happy with what we DO have, because he was raised to live responsibly and be mature and grateful.

Dh’s brother is even wealthier than my in laws (makes at least a few million a year). He does not spoil his kids. They wear normal clothing, not designer (unless they want to use afikomen money for that). They can’t use his credit card. Sure he takes them on insane vacations and will take the family out to dinner at high end places and makes gorgeous simchos for them and pays for their college education, but they all know that if they will want to continue living that lifestyle they’ll need to work hard and make money.

Basically, wealthy parents are obligated to teach responsibility and financial sense to their kids.

honey36

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:55 pm

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer to this question. Every situation is different.

Also have to consider the fact that if the children are really struggling, it will be harder for them to receive the help (financial/Tzedakah) that they need since everyone assumes the parents are already helping them out

amother

Grape

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:56 pm

Nobody has an obligation to give anything. I do think if a parent is wealthy, rather than supporting children so they never have to learn responsibility, they should help set their child up (degree, house, business etc.) so the child can become successful on their own.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:57 pm

Obligation to support is a very specific thing, and no.

Everything that is shades of grey is not remotely an obligation.

amother

Ebony

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

My mom didn’t give me $1 since my bat mitzvah. She did provide a roof over my head and groceries, I am grateful

watergirl

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 4:57 pm

No. The parent has to set the kid up to succeed (ie pay for college, or if they cant, to assist them in getting college or a trade with assistance). At the least, to teach them how important it is to have a path to independence and parnassa.

For someone to think having a study on the main floor, an entryway with a high ceiling, etc., us a NEED and not a want - something went wrong somewhere.

amother

↑ Cerulean

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 5:00 pm

honey36 wrote:

.

Also have to consider the fact that if the children are really struggling, it will be harder for them to receive the help (financial/Tzedakah) that they need since everyone assumes the parents are already helping them out

I disagree. Tzedaka organizations are here to serve. AFAIK, there shouldn't be a background check done on anyone who asks for help.

amother

Milk

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 5:00 pm

amother

Ballota

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 5:03 pm

I once asked my Rav a shaala about something chinuch related.
His answer was:
You have a chiyuv to be mechanech your children in the best way you can including teaching them a trade and how to live in today's world. You have no chiyuv to marry them off. The chiyuv to get married falls on the man himself.

It was kind of an eye-opener in a way.

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 5:03 pm

amother Ebony wrote:

My mom didn’t give me $1 since my bat mitzvah. She did provide a roof over my head and groceries, I am grateful

Nothing else? Just a roof and groceries?
She didn't pay your school tuition? No clothes? No shoes? No vacations ever? Surprised

amother

Cyan

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 5:10 pm

No

But they need to raise the children with that understanding and expectation from day one. The need to know that you will not be funding there lifestyle, give them responsibility, have them work and pay for there own luxuries. Exp[ose them to the hard work it takes to achieve wealth.

And they should be mindful of how hard it will be for the kids to lower there standards and not create unreasonable expectations.
Like, splurge on yourselves, but raise your children reachable luxuries, unless you plan on bankrolling them.

Also, education and help them start out and give them the ability and skills to build themselves up.

I have an aunt who does this so so well.
They are super wealthy, they give millions in tzedaka a year but the live like normal people, eben though they do know how to enjoy there money.

They live in a normal sized house, very nice and renovated, but something that hard working middle class should be able to achieve. I was in her house and her son asked for a credit card to go out for breakfast with his chavrusa, after he had done so for rosh chodesh the day before, and she said no, going out for breakfast is a treat, not a daily thing.
They splurge on business class and very high end vacations, but when they go as a family, they fly economy and more of " nicer middle class vacation". Her husband drives a nicer car, but the family car and the cars the kids drive are average toyotas. The simcha's they make are very middle of the road nice simcha's.

All her kids are well dressed and they even have some brand name items, but she always says that there are kids brand names and the very high end stuff that are for people who work hard for there money and want to splurge.

I am not seeing her kids with cartier or rollex even though she and her husband do have those items....

The girls all got a great education ( debt free), work very hard, and are not spoiled. The sons so far are yeshivish, help out at home even though they have cleaning help, and know they will not be bankrolled once they get married, and will need to help out. Her son is in shidduchim, and my aunt is davka looking for families who are not in the same wealth bracket, so that he doesn't end up with a girl like that op.....

amother

Teal

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 5:18 pm

amother Cerulean wrote:

I disagree. Tzedaka organizations are here to serve. AFAIK, there shouldn't be a background check done on anyone who asks for help.

That’s definitely not true. Even collleges take your parents into account till you’re around 30 for aid.
Forsure many tzeddakas do.

amother

Vanilla ↓

Mon, Sep 16 2024, 5:25 pm

No.
But they do have a chiyuv of tzedaka to their closest relatives.

If a parent is wealthy that they're being honored at dinners and having plaques on schools, yet they're child is taking Tomchei Shabbos or begging for tuition breaks, then yes, I believe according to halacha, something is wrong because tzedaka is supposed to be given to close relatives first.

But once the children are able to pay for basic needs (reasonable food, matza and wine for Pesach, tuition, reasonably housing, clothes, basic medical expenses) then no. The parent does not have an obligation to support the child.

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