How to decline Shabbos meals?

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:15 am

Bh we get invited out a lot. I don’t mind going to different people even if they’re strangers but Dh is pretty picky on who we go to. He likes to be home or to be only by close friends. He will often give me a bit of a hard time about who we go to but will ultimately agree, and will 65% of the time enjoy himself.

There are certain people that he does not want to go to, but they invite us once a month or so. How do I decline? I feel so bad giving excuses every time

amother

Yellow

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:25 am

PSA- stop inviting people who decline invitations from you! It gets very awkward but if I made up an excuse twice not to come to you please stop inviting me! I don’t want to join you for a meal.

watergirl

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:26 am

Please don't tell people that you/your husband prefers to eat at home, or that you don't like to go out, because I promise you, the people you said that to are going to see you at some point walking to someone's house and they are going to know you lied to them. It's really not a good feeling.

Tell them thanks, we plan to have a nice shabbos at home this week. Or, thanks, this shabbos wont work for us. If you say this each time they invite you, they should get the hint - but be prepared to see the friendship change after.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:31 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

I say my husband doesn’t like to eat out so we stay home mostly. Maybe invite them to you instead.

is this a common thing that husbands don’t like to go out? I feel like some of my friends husbands are the same too

Sleepdeprived

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:33 am

amother OP wrote:

is this a common thing that husbands don’t like to go out? I feel like some of my friends husbands are the same too

Men generally like to reside over their own shabbos table. it feels right to them. For some it[s their nachas moments after an entire busy week.
We hardly ever accept invites to go out but we host large crowds almost on a weekly basis.

amother

White ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:36 am

watergirl wrote:

Tell them thanks, we plan to have a nice shabbos at home this week. Or, thanks, this shabbos wont work for us. If you say this each time they invite you, they should get the hint - but be prepared to see the friendship change after.

This is the correct answer.

amother

Currant ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:39 am

watergirl wrote:

I didn’t understand this. Can you please clarify?
She is saying the truth- her husband honestly doesn't want to go out. How is that a lie??
IMO all three options are totally fine and people need to respect if others don’t go out
Maybe they don’t spend enough time together and need to be home for shalom bayis
Maybe they need to take care of a difficult child who is neurodivergent or asd..
it’s way more awkward to talk about that. I don’t understand peoples stigmas around invitations. So awkward.

amother

↑ Currant

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:40 am

Op I’m with you, my husband also prefers to be home frankly after a difficult and exhausting work week and is an introvert and needs his space. In our seven years together he has gone out only a handful of times for shabbos to people and that’s also ok thank you very much.

amother

↑ White

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:45 am

Sleepdeprived wrote:

Men generally like to reside over their own shabbos table. it feels right to them. .

I suspect that husbands who do a lot of the cooking for Shabbos are happy to be invited out. Mine sure is.

lamplighter

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:58 am

If he likes to go out to some people but not to others than you can't say, we don't like to eat out because you do sometimes just never to them.
Just say this is not a good week. At some point they will get the message. It's not a nice message but it's the truth.

amother

Kiwi

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 1:29 pm

My family doesn't love eating out but why should they? I serve them like royalty every week. They get the best of both worlds. Good food, beautiful table set all nice, comfort of their own home. Lucky them.

tichellady

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 1:42 pm

Sleepdeprived wrote:

Not the men in my life. We love to get invitations

amother

Offwhite

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 2:32 pm

amother Yellow wrote:

PSA- stop inviting people who decline invitations from you! It gets very awkward but if I made up an excuse twice not to come to you please stop inviting me! I don’t want to join you for a meal.

I give people three chances, and after three declinations in a row I stop inviting. Socially active people may legitimately already be booked twice in a row and I wouldn't view that as meaningful. Three times is a chazakah.

Cheiny

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 2:59 pm

amother Amaryllis wrote:

I say my husband doesn’t like to eat out so we stay home mostly. Maybe invite them to you instead.

That’s problematic though if the neighbors can easily find out they do eat out at other people’s houses…

amother

Nasturtium

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 3:24 pm

Do you want to be friends with them or not really.
If they are people you want to be friends with, invite them to you instead. I have never been offended but someone who has said to me, “ don’t shop, clean, and cook for us-we like you and enjoy your company, come to us instead and I will do the work”.
If you don’t really like them and want to hang out with them, and you do go to others, depending on how socially savvy they are, they may not get the hint and continue to invite. Do not tell them you don’t go out if you go to others, that is cruel. You might say, you only goes to certain people based on DH’s comfort level/kashrut level(depending on your community /comfort for children….