Creative Solutions to the Expensive Wedding Crisis

imaima

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 9:58 pm

amother Jean wrote:

I feel like my non-Jewish and not-religious friends/family resent destination weddings. Unless you pay for everyone you're still asking close friends and family to shell out a lot for flights, hotel, food beyond the wedding. They have to take off work, arrange childcare for longer than a night, etc. The couple often gets a deal or free accomodations for bringing all the business to the resort but it's on the backs of their loved ones paying for rooms.

The fact that weddings are rare offsets the expense. If it were every week, it wouldn’t be doable

amother

Fern ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 10:05 pm

A few ideas I have thought of:

The chuppah itself is held in a shul. Invite as many people as you like. Dinner is at a small hall, at home, or at a restaurant, just for family.

Or:

Potluck style event, every guest signs up to bring something for the meal. I'm not sure where that could be held, though. Maybe like a community center?

Either one of those ideas would be lovely and greatly reduce the costs, but it would require a huge adjustment in expectations as far as what weddings look like. And would put all the catering halls out of business.

↑ Boca00 ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 10:11 pm

amother Fern wrote:

A few ideas I have thought of:

The chuppah itself is held in a shul. Invite as many people as you like. Dinner is at a small hall, at home, or at a restaurant, just for family.

Wait, this is an amazing idea! I love it! I would say the dinner should still feel special, but a small hall is perfect.

amother

↑ Feverfew

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 10:24 pm

amother Fern wrote:

I'd love that the Chuppah be open to all, nice Kabolas Ponim, but guests are welcome to show up in weekday clothes.

Dinner is just for the family. (Especially if we do away with Shabbos Sheva Brachos as a family reunion, this would be very special and beautiful.)

Then Simchas Chosson V'Kallah with desserts, drinks, dancing (DJ).

It's true that a wedding is a Seudas Mitzvah, so you can have rolls and dips out for the few who make a point of joining for the seudah.

chestnut ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 10:34 pm

amother Blush wrote:

Destination weddings are a selfish way of offloading the expenses of a wedding on the attendees.

(Have you calculated the expense for the family for the siblings of the chosson/kallah to attend with their children? Now add grandparents. Aunts and uncles. And that's just a bare bones guest list. Forget rebbeim, friends, and other important people.

Also, don't forget the costs of kosher food and the tznius issues of a beach wedding.

Plus all the missed work / learning / school that a destination wedding imposes on the poor siblings of the chosson/kallah.)

And multiply it by however many siblings/siblings-in-law/cousins/friends' weddings you'd have to attend.
Yeshiva bachurim? Kallah's friends?
Absolutely not doable.

↑ chestnut

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 10:42 pm

thanks wrote:

There is no requirement for random acquaintances to go to a wedding. Only go to a wedding that you want to go to. That's not a reason to move a wedding far away. Only invite those that mean something to you, and only go if you feel close.

I think I figured why acquaintances are invited. Many halls have a minimum number of guests and people don't want the place to look empty.

amother

Aquamarine ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 12:05 am

In England we don't do a follow on. The chuppah is usually around 3, 3.30 and is in a shul hall. That is followed by a reception which is where most people come to say mazel tov. It's open to anyone who wants to come. That lasts a couple of hours. A lot of people will drop in briefly to say mazel tov and leave.
Then there's a break and the dinner is only around 8 or 8.30. And that is a much smaller invitation list.
By separating out the two events you only invite people to the dinner who you really want to come.
I think we also don't go overboard. Most people do the reception like a kiddush with nothing over the top, we don't have a shmorg.

shabbatiscoming ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 1:16 am

I personally think how weddings werr done for centuries, in small villages, also in the shtetl, is how weddings should really be. How weddings have become today is really awful. Putting people into debt. Thats just insane, for a one time even that is all of a few hours.
A small village gatheting in a social hall or the local shul with a kiddush room, people ir fanily making different dishes seems so much nicer and intimate. The way a simcha was meant to be. Not how weddings have become.

A destination wedding would never work, unless tickets were paid for and that would defeat your purpose.

amother

Cadetblue

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 5:32 am

I got a second hand wig, a wedding dress from a Gemach, and second hand furniture. I use melamine plates and 3-4 pots/pans from Tj maxx (didn't need the whole set). Got one set of linen from a department store and second set for 35$ on Amazon. I don’t light silver candlesticks for Shabbos. My in laws were thrilled that I didn’t need the official kallah gifts. My husband also said no thank you to getting gifts from my parents. I didn’t demand anything for my wedding. I specifically asked for a small ring. I took wedding photos at a neighbor. Most of my friends weren’t local so I had a small handful at my wedding, and it meant so much to me that they could be there. BH had family there. It was wonderful.

amother

Alyssum

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 5:47 am

I am so happy that my ds is getting married, but would totally be fine to skip the big wedding. However, we just met with one of our vendors to discuss plans and I could see how the Kallah’s face was literally shining with joy. I totally agree that costs must be kept within your budget and means, but how could we deprive her of a celebration. No destination wedding for us. I appreciate OP’s creativity, but don’t think that works. Perhaps the answer is to make smaller guest lists?

Aurora ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 6:18 am

amother Alyssum wrote:

Perhaps lowering expectations for kallahs across the board so no particular kallah has to feel like a nebbich?

I think smaller guest lists would be a good start.

Chayalle ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 6:19 am

I made two weddings in the past year BH, and the total expenses for one night (meaning, the wedding itself, clothing, makeup) cost me less than your destination wedding and flights would be. And I could have my family and friends present as well.

The Lakewood Takanah weddings are not as cheap as the shtetl wedding in the shul with the whole community joining in, but they are a huge effort of cost saving in the right direction, and something I very much applaud.

ETA about smaller guest lists, our halls had a minimum, and I've heard that without that it would not be cost effective for the caterer. So a smaller guest list would not have helped us - we had to pay same to caterer anyway.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 6:27 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

I remember attending my cousin's wedding in England some years back. The Chuppah was in a shul or school? something like that, and right after the chuppah there was a reception, which resembled a Kiddush in the US - there were little sandwiches, cakes/miniatures, salads, coffee and tea, drinks, etc...and people stopped in on the way home from work, with their kids still in their school uniforms.....and I remember my grandmother (she should live to 120) told me that this is how it was when she grew up, after the Chuppah there would be a party (and she told me they would serve crisps! Potato chips, which were apparently a new and fancy snack) and everyone came.
Later that night they had a dinner for family and close friends, which was very elegant actually.

I wonder, though, if the total cost of the English wedding is cheaper than a Lakewood Takanah wedding.