How are you distributing newly working girl earnings

↑ synthy ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 6:18 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

I'm curious how this works. Let's say somebody has a bunch of boys and no girls. Who pays for the weddings then?

If the parents don’t have the means, klal yisroel does. What’s crazy to me is that I know girls who were sitting in swollen bank accounts while the community arranged a tzedaka fundraising event for THEIR SHAITELS and THEIR FULLY LOADED DINING ROOM.

amother

Fern

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 6:20 pm

In my circles she does whatever she wants with it. She can ask for advice but that’s about it. It’s her money. If you want her to contribute to the wedding say so, but don’t think it’s right to control her money.

amother

↑ Valerian

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 6:27 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

Working girl has two definitions. Google it.
The way op used it is perfectly fine.

DATED•INFORMAL
a woman who goes out to work rather than remaining at home.
EUPHEMISTIC
a female relations worker.

I don't think the other poster was saying the usage was wrong. But wouldn't you want to know if you were calling your daughter a phrase that commonly means pr0stitute?!

amother

Lime

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 6:42 pm

amother Lily wrote:

Do those that make their daughters pay for their wedding, make their sons pay for their weddings too?

And if parents make their children pay for their weddings, the kids should be the one making the wedding decisions, not the parents. Kids shouldn't have to pay for their parents wants...

Of course! That goes without saying!

Many boys do not work, but those that do, are asked to put away a certain amount for their weddings. Nothing wrong with that.

Boys and girls who didn't work before marriage, parents have to foot the whole bill even if it means borrowing.

amother

Eggshell

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 6:55 pm

So interesting.
It never occured to me to get involved in any if my daughters' earnings.
Even the wording of the question is odd too me. How do "you" distribute it.

Also, I never knew it's a chassidish thing to ask the girl to pay for the wedding. (Im not chassidish ) My girls took their own money with them to marriage we paid for the weddings (more like 15 thousand) and we support every month, the standard basic amount.
Yeshivish

amother

↑ Watermelon ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:01 pm

amother Wine wrote:

Not ok in normal Lakewood circles. It’s her hard earned money. Why are Mommy and Totty putting their hands on it and deciding where it goes? I get asking her to contribute towards household expenses/ clothes if times are tough but even that is not usually done. Let her put her hard earned money for later. You are her parents- you pay for her wedding and make it a modest one if you need to.

And if the parents don't have the means for even a modest one, should they go into debt while the kallah sits on her funds.

amother

↑ Watermelon ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:03 pm

amother Lily wrote:

Agree that the children should make the decisions, but in my chassidish world all average weddings are pretty much the same, so there isn't much to decide upon.

The only concern is if the parents are excessive spenders. And that's rarely seen when the parents aren't well off.

↑ notshanarishona ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:22 pm

amother Watermelon wrote:

And if the parents don't have the means for even a modest one, should they go into debt while the kallah sits on her funds.

It needs to be a discussion, not a unilateral decision by the parents. If the girl is willing by all means but a young newlywed isn’t just sitting on funds. If she works for a few years that can mean a downpayment or allowing her husband to learn or go to kollel or just basic furniture, beds, a car, and other things the parents won’t be able to provide. If the parents don’t have $ and the girl earns it but is taken she will be stuck in the same cycle of poverty.

amother

Caramel ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:28 pm

I did not read all responses but my parents did not take a penny from me.

They paid for my entire wedding bh
and all my savings bef marriage was used for my expenses and bills after marriage while my Husband was still in kollel.

Chassidish here.

And I plan on doing the same for my daughters.

I did use my own money for random food, going out with friends, random cosmetics.. clothes my parents bought and paid for.

↑ synthy ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:37 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

The money gets taken? I’m sorry, it gets used for HER stuff. Whether she hands her paychecks to her father and he pays for everything or she writes the check herself is irrelevant. Why should she keep her money in bank and use tzedaka money? I can’t fathom this. Maybe she should always keep her money in savings and let klal yisroel provide for her?

amother

↑ Caramel

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:38 pm

They also.didnt give me any money after I got married, thats what my savings were for.

I got married with 23k and got almost 10k in chasunah gelt, gifted.

amother

DarkYellow ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:44 pm

Where I am, a normal wedding that everyone does is like $20,000

By this math she’d have her $10,000 portion of the wedding paid off in a year and a half.

I think it’s okay to ask her to contribute, but I think ima and abba should take some responsibility and contribute at least half of her portion. Work some overtime, sell some stuff, make it happen. It’s very financially stressful to get married and she will be bearing all of the stress. You do not want her in that mindset. Your job as parents is to set her up for success. And that could mean that you guys should do what you can to step it up and help her so that she can save money for when she’s with a newborn

amother

↑ DarkYellow

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:48 pm

amother Caramel wrote:

They also.didnt give me any money after I got married, thats what my savings were for.

I got married with 23k and got almost 10k in chasunah gelt, gifted.

Me too, wedding $25k. Checks $10k

amother

DarkPurple

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:56 pm

Like someone else mentioned, the title of this thread is very off putting. How are you distributing her funds? It’s fine to advise/ask her to put away money for her wedding or maybe even her share of household expenses. However this shouldn’t be YOU putting away HER money. It’s just this mindset that you’re controlling her income that is bothering me.

amother

↑ Watermelon ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 8:14 pm

amother Caramel wrote:

I also planned to do this for my kids. But man plans and Hashem laughs.

Now what?

Do I go into crippling debt for my children? Do I ask for tzedakah when my childrens bank account are full? Or do I rob a bank?

bebrave

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 8:17 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

It's so not done in my circles to have the girl pay for her wedding! so bizarre. If you're not a well to do family you just make very simple wedding.

It might be bizarre but it shouldn't be. In the secular world this is very common

doodlesmom ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 8:18 pm

amother Waterlily wrote:

I’m assuming she’s 17/18.
I will assume she’ll get married within 2 yrs.
I know, a lot of assumptions.

$500x24months=$12,000
What is that?
2 Sheitels, some clothes, and some linens/towels/etc. for the house?

When op said wedding expenses I thought she meant the actual wedding, not the other expenses.

Op your breakdown is extremely reasonable

But please don’t spend $100K on the actual wedding

It’s $500 a week.
So $26,000 a year.

amother

↑ DarkGray

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 8:21 pm

bebrave wrote:

It might be bizarre but it shouldn't be. In the secular world this is very common

In the secular world, parents usually save up to pay for college. People also tend to get married much later, when both the bride and groom hopefully have good jobs and savings.