In going crazy from my teen girl

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:22 am

amother OP wrote:

Great. Wonderful. Smart, social butterfly, happy.
And she is still all of above except for happy. She has low self esteem even though I try everything to boost it. Idk if it's on purpose and trying to get negative attention or how else to boost it. She has loving family, parents, grandparents, friends. Everything she asks for. Her own phone, her own room, etc. I really try to make her happy
If you ask her she will say she is miserable, has self hate, full of shame, hates me, hates school, hates life

It’s not personal.
I think she is dealing with stuff and taking it out on you a bit. Just be strong and supportive. I also second reading the book that was recommended.

simcha2

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:49 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm so ready to ship her off to boarding school. My oldest and 15 for reference She is constantly texting her friends about how horrible I am. She is super self centered. Makes a huge deal about staying home w the younger kids (even though most of them don't need babysitting, and self entertain well). Spends as much time as possible at her friend.
But what's really hurting, besides the slandering me, is she told me she pretends she has another mother cuz she doesn't feel like she can talk to me.
I try my best. My other kids all say I'm a great mom. I really spend my life caring for them all. I give her so much, more than my other kids
- she has her own room, went to sleepaway camp (my other kids dont), has a guitar, etc. I try to give her everything she asks for etc. I told her she can talk to me anytime about anything
She still hates me.
And I'm in so much pain from it
Rant over
Helpful advice only pls

Truthfully, this sounds like a typical teen to me.

She's individuating, which is developmentally appropriate. She is testing boundaries with her safe person (you!) and she is developing hobbies and outside friendships.

Kol hakavod! You are raising an independent person who is transforming from a child to an adult in the appropriate way. She is learning boundaries and finding out who she is.

You are doing a great job!

(And as a mother of older girls, they come out the other side and are delightful, normally by the time they turn 17, just hang in there! )

amother

Cognac

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 8:21 am

It's very difficult to parent teen temperaments. Its really extreme when you know they are bad mouthing you everywhere. (But other adults see it in context commonly) . Giving her stuff, things will NOT help the situation. Although camp will help you.. Some kids need more than others but that is usually in the time & emotional department.

You are not alone.

If you get her to talk specifics about what bothers her and listen for real details (the emotional component) not the surface stuff maybe you get a better read on what is affecting her that you can do something that would soothe her.

Chayalle ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 8:22 am

I agree with Simcha2. Everything you describe is within the normal range FOR A TEEN. I say this as the mother of a teen, a year older than yours.

OP, teens are like the middle of a construction project. They're a work in progress, and there's so much going on in their development and growth. All of this contributes to ton of overwhelm, and a big mess in their systems sometimes. It's a real balagan. The hormones, the brain being in a stage of development where emotions and feelings rule, your teen sees the world thru a distorted lens (in which she knows so much better than you about everything in life, and you just don't get it). She is grappling with so much.

Added to this mix, those adults who just don't understand have ridiculous expectations of her (sarcasm alert). She has to sit in school all day. She comes home and there are annoying younger siblings around. Her mother has a household to run that can't constantly center around her needs. Fill in your own teen's struggles here....

All of these factors that are tugging at her feelings of self-centeredness will IYH contribute to her growing up one day, realizing there's a whole world out there, and POV's that differ from her own. But it's a process. It takes time to get there.

It sounds like you are doing a GREAT job supporting her in this journey. You feel hurt that your relationship isn't where you wish it would be. Know that if you continue to try to understand, and to support her, she will likely emerge one day. And even now, here and there there may be moments of connection.

Try not to let your own hurt feelings get in the way. Look for validation among your friends (or come and post here) and keep doing what you need to do (Rabbi Orloweck's voice is drumming in my head - YOU DO YOUR BEST! It's all you can do, and you are doing it. We aren't meant to be perfect.)

amother

↑ Blonde

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 8:36 am

amother OP wrote:

Could she have anxiety and intrusive thoughts? Very often self loathing, low self esteem, hating everything is a form of ocd/intrusive thoughts. And hating you can be included in that.

kenz

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 9:25 am

Teen girls are the worst! Anyone who feels otherwise should thank Hashem a million times that they didn’t have to go through this. I think you should back off but when you do see a small opening- I.e. she’s in a good mood and seems willing to talk, try to get her to open up a bit about what exactly it is about you that she finds so irksome. But don’t push too hard.
Hatzlachah, and may this phase pass very quickly.

mitzva

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 1:47 pm

Chayalle wrote:

there is a red flag. The girl is being cruel to her mother.
personality disorder? PTSD? something else?

Pooh

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 2:06 pm

Read the book
Get out of my life. But first can you drive me and Sheryl to the mall?
Everything you described sounds normal teenage girl behavior according to this book. I’m reading it about my son. Different behaviors but so on point with what I’m seeing in him. Which makes me feel better cuz at least he’s “normal” if he wasn’t acting this way I would be more concerned. This too shall pass

jewish girl

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 3:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

I see myself in her and I want to give both of you a giant hug!! When I was around her age I think I was pretty similar except I wasnt as vocal about it, I kind of just locked myself in my room, gave my mom the silent treatment, was straight up nasty to her and no I am not proud of the teen that I was but I do know that I was hurting, I was hurting bad. Most of my hurt did not come from my mother but she dealt with me with such grace and maybe that is why we are so so close today. She never gave up on me and never stopped reminding me how much she loved me but she also didnt take my ****. I know its hard, but when she is saying or doing things that hurt you, try to remember that it most likely isnt about you, its about her, her pain, and her lack of healthier skills.

Also, at least for me, "things" didnt help. I had everything I needed and lots of stuff that I wanted but all those things didnt take away from the fact that I was hurting and didnt understand it or maybe I was too afraid to face it.

About hanging out with her friends, thats a very normal teen preference. Get used to being the embarrassing mom and dont let that get to you.

↑ Chayalle

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 3:44 pm

mitzva wrote:

there is a red flag. The girl is being cruel to her mother.
personality disorder? PTSD? something else?

I think cruel is a very strong word here.
I think she's more likely being immature. Complaining about her mother, about her relationship with her. Which is normal for some teens. I wouldn't jump to diagnosing who-knows-what.

amother

Glitter

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 5:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

maybe shes too spoiled.

amother

↑ Opal

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

I would suggest you take her to a psychologist who does extensive testing on her behavioral, cognitive, emotional and mental health.
It is the long way because it will cost.you almost $3000 for the evaluation, but in the end it is the short way.
She may fall short in some cognitive area which is generally missed in childhood and bursts forth as a teen.
Regular therapists do not pick an abundance of problems.
You can email me for a recommendation rschreib@yahoo.com