WWYD - as a mom of a sem girl

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 2:35 pm

My youngest has just arrived in sem after 24 hours of travel. She called me crying over the state of her room. I told her everything will look better once she's had some sleep etc. Now she can't sleep because her roommate is on FaceTime and unpacking and she's expecting 2 more roommates to arrive. And she was supposed to have a fan but she doesn't yet (she's used to sleeping with a fan). She keeps texting and calling .

Honestly, it hurts my stomach. We didn't even want her to go to sem. After she insisted on going, I warned her the first days would be a big adjustment.

Growing up, I never really turned to my mother when I had a problem...I would usually vent to my older sisters as my mom had a lot on her plate and I never wanted to burden her (I had a special needs sibling).
I'm happy that my child has me to vent to but also I'm wondering what my role is here. Just keep repeating "oh that sounds really rough" "things will get better" etc etc? At what point can I say "enough, you're making me anxious and there's nothing I can do from so far away" ?

She doesnt want me to contact the sem either...

Help?

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 2:37 pm

I totally get you about our daughters confiding in us when we never confided in our own mothers. It can be very emotionally draining. I’m not dealing with the same situation as you, but other things that really take a toll on me. And as much as I’m grateful to have a close relationship with my children, sometimes I wonder if our parents had it much easier being kept in the dark.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 2:40 pm

amother Stonewash wrote:

Thank you so much for responding. You made me feel better somehow.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 2:40 pm

amother Orange wrote:

"wow, that sounds hard. What are your options right now?" Encourage her to problem solve on her own instead of making suggestions.

Thank you! Good idea.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 2:51 pm

You want to give her the message, not in so many words, that although it's hard, you believe she can handle it. Pretend she's a friend who is just venting - don't try to solve the problem, fix things, or make phone calls on her behalf. This is part of her learning to be an adult.

Has she ever been to camp?

amother

Electricblue

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 2:51 pm

I remember my first day in sem, feeling so overwhelmed and alone. I kept telling myself in a month this will feel like home to me. All beginnings are hard. And got through it had a wonderful year went back for Shana bet and made a couple friends I still have 12 years later

Molly Weasley

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 3:09 pm

So I think it's a combination of lack of sleep and jetlag, feeling homesick, and being in a strange, new environment.

I would validate her feelings, encourage her to go to sleep, and speak again the following morning.

amother

Green

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 3:40 pm

I feel you!!!! I cried all year. “Who am I supposed to vent to if not my mother?!” was her mantra. Literally, I cried every day. It got to the point where I picked myself up and went to E”Y to make sure all was okay. And guess what? She was having a great time! Kids this age don’t realize the havoc they wreak when they only call to vent. Once in a blue moon she’d call back later to say she ended up having a good day because she didn’t want me to think her day stayed terrible. But I spent those hours crying while she had a blast 6,000 miles away.

Never again.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 1:18 pm

Are you allowed to send food? If so, send food. Lots. She'll share it and make friends.

This will pass.

Sensitive kid, needs food. Low blood sugar.

Give it two weeks and reevaluate.

amother

Daylily

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 1:20 pm

This is normal. My oldest called hysterical crying that she has no closets and wants to come home. The next week after quarantine she cried about her room and wanted to come home.. etc......

She will adjust and will be fine...

amother

Papaya

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 1:40 pm

OP, totally get you. That's how it is cause they have phones and it's so easy to call Mommy. We had to use precious asimonim to call on a pay phone and we used them very sparingly. She'll adjust and when classes start she'll get into routine and she won't be calling that often.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 2:22 pm

She will be ok, as you know.
don't forget she will mostly only call u when she's overly emotional....she will hang up and 5 min later be having a blast...meantime you're still processing her tears.....she's moved on. REMEMBER THIS.

you can make suggestions like use earplugs to sleep and go buy a fan tomor but at the end of the day she will figure it all out herself (with the help of madrichot and eim bayit etc).
this is part of the growth.

feel free to say when she calls you only have 3 min as you're rushing.....she will then just cover the highlights and not go on and on.

Oh and the jetlag is a killer. give her time. remind her to eat and drink and rest to get over the jetlag.

amother

Dandelion

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 2:33 pm

I once had a huge group of sem girls over for Shabbos (ok not huge but more than 10 girls) It was the second to last Shabbos of the school year and I asked them what was the most important thing they got out of Sem and ALL of them, every last one said it was the learning curve in the beginning, between 1 and 4 months, where they had to navigate a new life on their own. Frankly, I was shocked. (And privately I thought, what a waste of money)
However, they all thought it was time well spent, even saying it prepared them for marriage. I guess what I'm trying to say is that beginnings are hard and she will probably find it difficult but in the end she will come out with a new maturity and genuine pride in what she accomplished, which is not a little thing.

Petra

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:01 pm

The first day is the hardest but honestly it can take months for some girls to acclimate.

It’s a big culture shock. Disappointment about the food. The living arrangements. Roommates. Laundry situation. Shower situation. Its a lot to adjust to.

Some girls can go with the flow but I think that is a very small minority.

Once a routine is established after classes start and a few Shabbosim under her belt, she can start adjusting.

amother

Lightgray

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:04 pm

I remember the first day I was sooo overwhelmed. We all said we didn’t adjust for a month. It’s normal remind her to take deep breaths and she’ll figure it all out.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:37 pm

I remember 35 years ago going to sem arriving after 24 hrs then the rabbi asking my name and I burst out crying
I remember the phone calls in those days crying in the hallway where the payphones were
Seeing this I feel guilty I would cry say I'm homesick then go of and enjoy myself till the next phone call
She's going to be fine

amother

Beige

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 10:47 pm

OK, I’m wondering if I wrote this in my sleeve other than my youngest is not in seminary. But it literally the exact same situation! She also can’t sleep without a fan but would love to know if they’re the same seminary and they could be roommates. I just told my daughter about this thread because it’s just too crazy that she should feel like she’s not alone. She sent me a message the middle of the night and then deleted it and I have no idea what she sent, but I could fall back asleep after that because I was. Worried

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 10:51 pm

DD is not in seminary, but I have this with my DDs dorming in high school.

I try to remember that talking on the phone to Mommy amplifies emotions, and sometimes it's the fact that they are able to express themselves or cry or complain that lets them function afterwards.

I make a point of not getting overwhelmed by their feelings. It may be rough right now but they are okay.

Visiting or bringing a child home, IMHO, should only really be done if Hanhala agrees that it is necessary.