DS's friend went too far--not sure how to handle this

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:24 pm

DS is almost 17 and is in yeshiva with a dorm. A couple of weeks before the end of the zman, he told me that there was a boy in the yeshiva who was driving him crazy. He wanted to be with him all the time. When DS would try to sleep, he would sit there watching him. Everywhere DS went, this boy followed him. He was about to lose his mind. DS said the boy sees a therapist and is on medication, but he didn't know what to do. He sounded so broken that I called the Rosh Yeshiva and asked him to intervene. Things improved after that and a few days later they came home for bein hazmanim. That boy is older than DS and this was his last year in yeshiva, so next zman there should be no problems.

I thought it was all over, but yesterday I got a phone call from a former Ram in the yeshiva. He said that DS had come to talk to him a day earlier and asked him for advice. He said the boy is continuing to harass him by phone. DS blocked his number, so he keeps calling from other people's phones and isn't giving up. The Rav said he also suspects the relationship may have gone beyond words. He said that he encouraged DS to talk to me about it and tell me everything and DS gave him permission to call me. He said that he thought DS needed someone professional to speak to and that he himself wasn't qualified to deal with it.

Tonight DS and I went out for a walk and I brought up the subject and asked him what's going on. He confirmed that the boy keeps trying to call him and he keeps hanging up on him and blocking his number. He admitted that he was feeling a gap now that they're not talking to each other since he had gotten used to this boy chasing after his friendship. He understands that with time that should resolve, especially if the boy gives up and stops calling him, but for now it's hard.

I asked him if it went beyond words and he admitted that it did. He said the boy stroked his face and tried to take it further than that, but DS stopped him and even called the boy's therapist to tell her what he had done. She said they had to completely cut off contact with each other which is what DS has been trying to do.

I'm left with a bunch of questions. 1. How do I help DS in this situation? Does he need to see a therapist? He seems very happy lately overall and I don't see that this is affecting his mental state overall except for what he and the Ram told me. 2. Do we have a responsibility to alert the yeshiva the boy's going to next zman to what he had tried to do? DS thinks we don't since he spoke to the therapist so now it's on her, and he also doesn't think he'll try it with anyone else because they were really, really good friends so he felt very comfortable with him. He said the boy told him he had found some inappropriate videos on their home computer and watched them, so he wanted to know what it felt like and attempted it with DS. I thought maybe I should tell the current RY and let him alert the new yeshiva, but DS is afraid they won't let him come, and he doesn't want to get him into trouble. Maybe I need to ask a Rav how to handle this. 3. I sort of know the boy's mother since they used to live in our city a very long time ago. I've spoken to her once or twice over the last year about yeshiva-related issues. Should I tell her her son keeps calling DS to see if she can try to put a stop to it? He calls as early as 6:30 a.m. and as late as 1:45 a.m. I don't have to tell her the whole story, I can just say it disturbs us at those hours.

Any wisdom?

amother

Mustard

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:29 pm

Wow.
I don’t have advice but this is a difficult situation.
It sounds like you and DS have open communication which is really good.

I hope others will chime in with advice.

Success10 ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:30 pm

Wow. Not much advice other than 1. Change your son's phone number and 2. Don't involve the other boy's mom.

sequoia ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:31 pm

He’s a stalker. Calling repeatedly from different numbers after you have been blocked is stalking.

Get in touch with his parents and tell them you’ll get an order of protection if it doesn’t stop.

amother

Olive

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:34 pm

1. Ask him. Don’t force him if he doesn’t want to
2. No don’t do that. Your son is right, he told the therapist and that’s all he’s obligated to do. You can use it to your advantage though if you want to hint to the parents that he better leave your son alone and stop calling…

amother

Vanilla

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:35 pm

If your son is 17 and his friend is older presumably over 18 could you scare him off by pointing out he's harassing a minor and threatening legal action?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:21 pm

Just as I sat down here to read the replies, the phone rang. It was another friend of DS's saying that the boy and his mother were outside our house and they want him to come out to end the relationship in a positive way. I went out with him because I wanted to make sure his mother was really there. The 4 of us sat down on a bench outside and his mother said that they absolutely have to end the relationship, but it has to be done in way that nobody feels hurt. She said she knows the friendship had a lot of good things about it, but she realizes it crossed boundaries, and her son is moving on to another yeshiva so it's time to end things. She asked me what I thought, and I said that I know that DS really valued their friendship but that I agree it's gone too far with the phone ringing at 6 a.m. and 1:45 a.m. and that I believe that DS is ready to move on. At this point, the boy said "Yes, but we can't move on while I'm hurt." And he said that he was calling at those hours because he was hurt. DS responded that it hurt him that he called at those times. Then his mother played moderator and asked her son what he thought could be done so they could end things positively. I saw the boy felt uncomfortable and I had a feeling it was because I was there, so I asked him if he wanted me to go inside, and he said he would prefer that. So I left them there with his mother, who I saw also got up and stepped away to give them their privacy. They're still out there now. It's only been 5 minutes or so.) I'm hopeful this will help him bring things to a real end.

amother

Chestnut ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:36 pm

Red flags. Not sure privacy between them is a good idea.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:39 pm

amother Chestnut wrote:

Red flags. Not sure privacy between them is a good idea.

They're on a bench on the busiest street in the city, and his mother is a few feet away. I'm not worried. In any case, I just peeked at them and she's talking to them again.

amother

Winterberry

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:47 pm

His friend from another town came with his mother to end a friendship?

I would think they are threatening your son not to mention about anything physical which happened and totally manipulating the situation.

I don’t think there was any reason for your son to have this conversation

amother

↑ Chestnut ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

They're on a bench on the busiest street in the city, and his mother is a few feet away. I'm not worried. In any case, I just peeked at them and she's talking to them again.

I don't think he'd attempt anything physical in public like that. But it seems he couldn't stop himself from harassing your ds until now. I'd be concerned about him threatening your son or something like that. Maybe I'm paranoid....

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:50 pm

amother Winterberry wrote:

They're in our city for Shabbos so they came today already. Or maybe this is why they came to our city for Shabbos. I don't know.

This boy has psychological problems and is seen by a therapist and a psychiatrist and is on medication. I don't know what his diagnosis is, but there obviously is something there and that's probably what's making it so hard for him to move on. His mother seems to feel that if they talk things out, they'll be able to end things in a way that will enable him to let go and stop harassing my son.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:52 pm

amother Chestnut wrote:

I don't think he's threatening him. I think they're really trying to work things out so they can part ways without too much hurt.

I just went outside to see what's going on. His mother told me she had stepped aside so they could talk things over and she just came to help them sum things up, but it seems they're not quite ready to sum things up between them. I asked DS if I should go back inside and he said he thought I should. I think his friend is uncomfortable with me there, and I can understand that.

amother

Mintgreen ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:54 pm

I would go straight back out, send your son back inside, say they've had time to talk but if he contacts your son again you will go to the police/contact his new yeshiva.

You need to protect your son.

I went through something similar with my daughter and still regret I didn't step in.

amother

Poppy ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:54 pm

OP if the boys mother is there you should be there too, regardless of what the other boy wants

amother

↑ Chestnut ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:54 pm

I would maybe step away but not go inside. Let them see you're there.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:55 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

My son is assertive enough that I trust him to come inside if he's uncomfortable there. He seems to be fine. He smiled at me when I came out.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:56 pm

amother Poppy wrote:

OP if the boys mother is there you should be there too, regardless of what the other boy wants

I asked my son if I should go inside and he said yes. If he needed me there, he would tell me so.

amother

↑ Chestnut ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:57 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

This would absolutely be my gut reaction too. But it's risky because teens don't like when you take control of their lives. It could backfire on op.

amother

↑ Poppy ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:57 pm

Or may be ask your son to step aside with you and ask him privately if he wants to continue having this conversation. Do what's best for your son