My Husband is a Business Owner

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:14 am

He's been working on his own business for the past five years. It has never earned a living wage, but he has built it up quite nicely and there is potential in the future.
In the meantime, I work a demanding job with a few little kids. He is incredibly helpful and, with a more flexible schedule, can be around when I can't.
However, I've become quite resentful at being the one supporting the household completely. I do want to work and would not give up my job even if he would be earning enough, but I resent the fact that I do not have an extra dollar to spend as the money I make barely supports our (non existent) budget. I also very much disagree with our spending habits and wish my husband would be more of a calculated spender.
I have been lashing out about it when the resentment builds up, which is terrible. I don't even know what I want him to do about it, as I don't want him to close the business he worked so hard on.

amother

Firethorn

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:21 am

It might be helpful for you to have a conversation with him about what his plans for the future are.

Does he have criteria for how to decide when to stop vs. continue the business?

Would you like him to have criteria for that?

Or do you both agree that he should keep plugging at it indefinitely, regardless of profitability?

There's no right or wrong answer, just whatever works for the two of you. But right now it seems like you're both sort of floating in a status quo indefinitely, which can be frustrating if the status quo is uncomfortable for one person.

amother

Pansy

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 4:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

You resent supporting the household completely - but that's not true if you're able to hold down a job cuz he's holding down the forte
You resent supporting the household completely while he is building a business that will support you for many years to come?!
You resent that he isn't a calculated spender?! [read some threads here from wives who hate being micro managed about each dollar]

You need to completely reframe here
feelings follow our thoughts
oh - and apologize first

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 7:01 pm

amother Pansy wrote:

You're right, we are both responsible to keep the household running, which I know is not what all women have.
I don't resent the money he spends on himself, I just don't agree with the way he manages finances, which is sort of taking it day by day with no concrete plan. I am more cautious and like to know where my money is going (my money not meaning the fact that it's my earnings, but in general).
I do hate what it's doing to him. He is overall an amazing husband and father and has a sense of responsibility. He hates not being the provider but feels that this is the right path for now. Some days, I just do not know how to put all that logic into my resentful emotions.

amother

Darkblue

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 7:44 pm

OP I really get that.

DH started a new job that is a 35k paycut and we're really feeling it. He's so chill about it, spends on cc, doesn't care about a budget.

Meanwhile I'm bringing in twice as much as him, work full time, and am always feeling burnt out.

I can't say anything about his job though because it's trying to hard to grow the company he works for, he's putting in tons of effort...

But I still feel overworked, kinda under appreciated, and like we'll never ever be financially stable while he spends without a care or thought.

I'm just here to say, I totally get you, OP and I'd like to validate your feelings ❤️

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 7:49 pm

Thank you for the validation.
It's really hard as I truly feel for him. I don't know what the solution is as I would feel really horrible if he ends up closing the business he worked hard on, but the current setup isn't working for me.
I did tell him that if he would sit down and go over finances and create a budget with me, even if it goes against his nature, it would make me feel better about it. But I end up feeling like a nag.

amother

↑ Tuberose ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you do this first express your desires. And definitely hand the baton off to him to make him feel “”in charge” even if he isn’t really. Validate how he feels and compliment his opinions.
- what do you think ?
- what should we do?
- what’s the best way to approach this?
- what do you want?

I am older than my DH. I came to the marriage with a lot more money and a well weighted stock portfolio. Dh was intimidated, felt less than and overpowered. It made him not want to discuss money. Now I play dumb and ask him for advice all the time just so he feels good. Sometimes it’s really bad advice (like having Tesla on his stock watchlist of stocks to invest in) but sometimes it’s actually very good and calculated advice.

Keep your mind open and be sure not to overpower him even though you are the breadwinner. It is extremely frustrating I understand, but your goal is shalom bayit so try to get through to him in a wifey way, not a business woman way

amother

↑ Tuberose ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:12 pm

I am in a similar situation and I’ve seen other mothers posting about this. I daven to HaShem everyday asking to send parnassa through him.

I’ve found that men do need to be channeled , also in business. Do you have any ideas on how his business can do better? If you do, most definitely bring them up. But bring them up in a super casual non-naggy whiny way. Like “I read this article about low cost SEO employees in Bangladesh, ever heard of that? It’s super cheap and people can rank their business to top of google”

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:57 pm

amother Tuberose wrote:

This is exactly the issue, I know he is intimidated and I hate it. I want to be a wife who trusts her husband implicitly in money matters, but it's either I actively shut myself down and don't let my brain go there, or I get incredibly frustrated.

amother

Mayflower ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 9:18 pm

My husband is an entrepreneur. We have had years where we brought in a lot of money in years where we really struggled. If I read correctly, you’re saying your husband has been working on his business for five years and it is still not in a wage that is sustainable for the family? I’m sitting in an airport very jetlagged so might have misread. After five years, the business is still not making money. It might be time to move on. That has been our experience with numerous businesses. That at the three or four year mark and it’s really not making it a business. We have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in businesses That have not succeeded and now we are making seven figures on a business that is succeeding. It is really not easy to be the wife of an entrepreneur at all. We had so many years where we put food on the table. And the business Successful successful at least within a year. You need to bring a professional to look at his business and give an unbiased opinion or advice and how you could grow it but sometimes the advice is there is potential. There is potential. My husband did take jobs in the meantime and he hated to be able to pay the bills while he did it on the side.

amother

↑ Tuberose ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 9:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

Give him space to be a man, he may turn out to be your night in shining armor if you let him. When a man feels like a man he behaves differently and can accomplish the world. When he feels less than his wife, he’ll stay being a little nothing.

Im going to recommend the highly controversial book Empowered wife. It helped me go into my feminine and improved this money area for me a lot

amother

↑ Tuberose ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 9:26 pm

amother Mayflower wrote:

Mayflower what area of business are you in?

amother

↑ Mayflower

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 12:24 am

Online Affiliate marketing is the current business. I would say they were all somewhat similar as when they were all online businesses but other than that, they were quite different. My husband never did give up his credit. He did not pay a fortune just to help us keep a float The businesses were just off the ground and we had no stable income

amother

Clover

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 6:27 am

Can you discuss setting up chasunah funds for the kids + an emergency fundand contributing to that every first thing every month?

The rest of the money can be used as is - its a profit first kinda budgeting system.

If I may - the fact that's contributing to childcare is HUGE!!!!
Maybe channel the feelings inward and see what belief is being questioned leading you to feel triggered