The End of Vague References- Update page 2

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 3:28 pm

The End of Vague References
By: Aspiring Noted Shadchanim

Do all the potential shidduchim start sounding the same after a while? Is every girl “nice” and every boy “a good learner”? Somehow every person suggested is “not too loud but not too quiet”?

Whether you are a newbie to the Shidduch process or an experienced mom of marrieds, here’s how you can get more honest and targeted responses from your references.

Using an objective rating scale, you can now decide if the random well-meaning shidduch suggestion for the dentist's nephew "really can't hurt to try."

Male Thoughtfulness Scale:

1. Complains about everyone, coughs on your fries, yells at the waiter if the food is cold.
2. Doesn’t tip, will take out the trash when he trips over it, will pressure you to lose weight,
will compare your food to his mother’s.
3. Needs some subtle hints to remember important dates but will buy you a present, tips
the standard amount, is polite to strangers.
4. Will remember your birthday and anniversary without you having to remind him, tips the
waiter generously, will kill bugs for you, will open the car door for you on dates.
5. Will give free haircuts to homeless men on the side of the road, will change all diapers,
will open the car door for you forever.

—-------------------

Female Thoughtfulness Scale:

1. Rolls her eyes at people, texts her friends during your date, her day is ruined when someone has the same shirt as her.
2. Will throw out your favorite shirts, will ignore your texts, will tell her friends everything about you.
3. Will say hello to neighbors in passing, will go grocery shopping, will give up her seat for an old lady.
4. Will join a meal train, will buy your favorite dessert, will send pictures of the kids to her mother-in-law, donates to Chessed/Rayze campaigns.
5. Collects all the extra food from weddings for people in need, donated her kidney when she was 15, will let him sleep through the night even when she has triplets.

Male Financial Scale:

1. Homeless chic- Do you really need a place to live? Is food overrated?
2. Will go into klei kodesh, is proud of his yeshivish car, will be available for preschool
pickup or doctor appointments bein hasedarim.
3. Works at a blue-collar job, has great benefits including insurance, will retire at 50 and will
never make as much as your brother-in-law. Excellent work-life balance.
4. Well-paid professional, such as a doctor or lawyer. Will work late and travel often.
5. Rich enough to be eccentric without being weird, invested in crypto and Nvidia before it
was cool. Risk taker, will either own 3 homes or none.

—--------------------

Female Maintenance Scale

1. Has fewer clothes than you do, will shop at Goodwill, only buys groceries on sale, loves to plan staycations.
2. Will buy new clothes for Yom Tov, enjoys road trip vacations, will go out to eat on special occasions.
3. Gets her nails done and orders takeout occasionally, shops at Zara and AliPicks, will vacation in neighboring states.
4. Buys coffee every day, vacations internationally every year, buys a whole new wardrobe every season, shops at boutiques.
5. Attends Pesach, Sukkos, and Shavuos programs every year, will remodel every 5 years, has a designer bag to match each pair of shoes, has never heard the words “Attention Walmart Shoppers.”

Bonus Questions:

1. How many hours does he wait between meat and milk?
2. Does she prefer the room hot or cold?
3. Does he eat rice on Pesach?
4. Is she a bad faster? (If you both are bad fasters, then you’re in trouble!)
5. Is he makpid on chalav yisrael?

**Disclaimer: Use this at your own risk. Side effects may include marriage or homelessness. Do not operate while under the influence of kiddush club.

Success10 ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 3:34 pm

Thank G-d I wasn't drinking coffee right now, it would have been splattered EVERYWHERE!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 3:35 pm

Success10 wrote:

Thank G-d I wasn't drinking coffee right now, it would have been splattered EVERYWHERE!

Aw thank you!!

amother

DarkViolet

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 3:49 pm

Lol!!

BH Yom Yom ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 3:53 pm

This is hysterical!! Love it!

amother

Mintcream

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 4:03 pm

This was great.
I would love to gift the lovely young couples who find their bashet though this rating scale a niddatude towel.

amother

DarkCyan

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 4:07 pm

Op, this needs to be published. It needs to be in Mishpacha, Ami, the NYT and the WSJ. On or near the front page. This will change our society, marriage, shidduchim and as an added bonus probably also bring Mashiach faster. On a personal level I’m just happy dh kills bugs and I just yesterday bought him his favorite dessert, or according to your scale I’d need to call us each an attorney.

↑ Success10

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 4:08 pm

Please get to work on a Frumkeit Scale.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 4:15 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

Haha actually tried submitting to the frum magazines and was told it wasn’t a fit, so decided to post it here! I’m so glad you think it’s publish-worthy! 🥰

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 4:36 pm

Success10 wrote:

Please get to work on a Frumkeit Scale.

So actually wrote a yeshivish scale and a pro tips section originally and ended up cutting those… but I’ll add them both below!

Male Yeshivish scale:

1. Never takes off his black hat, learns in Brisk, speaks yeshivish with hand motions, no internet, even out of the home.
2. Black hat, learns in BMG, wants to live in Lakewood, no internet in the home, gets his news from The Lakewood Scoop.
3. Black hat to davening, learns in Mir, doesn't speak yeshivish, TAG-filtered smartphone, gets his news from YWN.
4. Wears colored shirts during the week, learns daf yomi, keeps up with pro sports.
5. Never wears black/white, doesn't know what mamash means, not affiliated with any
yeshiva, is currently in university full-time.

—---------------------

Female yeshivish scale:

1. Wears pearls and opaque tights, davens 3x a day, reads biographies of Rebbetzins, says the daily Tehillim, has a flip phone.
2. Wears muted colors, listens to shiurim on Torah Anytime, listens to Shwekey, MBD and Avraham Fried, understands yeshivish.
3. Wears tznius fashion, listens to popular Jewish music, reads all the Jewish magazines, has a filtered smartphone, goes to shiurim occasionally.
4. Wears Jean skirts and no tights, bright colors, learns with a friend.
5. Comfortable wearing red, no tights, has an unfiltered smartphone, learns daf yomi.

****

Pro tip: To get honest answers, always go in with the baseline assumption that there is an issue.

Don’t ask: Does he smoke?
Ask: Does he prefer e-cigs, cigarettes, or cigars? How many does he go through a day on average?

Don’t ask: Does he watch movies?
Ask: What kind of movies does he watch? What are her favorite shows?

Don’t ask: Is she healthy?
Ask: What would you say are her top 3 health concerns? Tell me more about his mental health.

Don’t ask: Does he drink?
Ask: How often does he drink? Where does he usually drink?

Don’t ask: What are his interests? Ask: What apps are on his/her phone?

amother

Salmon

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 4:42 pm

Send to chazkeinu.org

amother

Hyssop ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 7:55 pm

This is awesome. Think of how much time and misunderstandings you’ll save on those reference calls!

“Hi, I’m calling about Simcha Shtark. I heard he used to be the best kid in the park. What can you tell me about him?”

“Oh, I would say he’s an A2, B4.”
“Bonus?”
“6-hot-no-no-yes”
“Ok that’s super helpful. Thank you!”
————————————————
As opposed to..
“Well, what do you want to know?”
“What are his middos like?”
“Oh he’s a good guy. Makes a decent living.”
“How good?? How decent??”
“What, you want me to send you his tax returns?”

Hamayvin Yavin ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:13 pm

I love this. Please submit to the kichels

TranquilityAndPeace

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:25 pm

Thanks for the laugh!!!

imasinger ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:38 pm

Adorable, but could you add balance with a female financial scale for those supporting the learners, and a male maintenance scale?

amother

Celeste ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:40 pm

Potato Kugel anyone?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:47 pm

imasinger wrote:

Adorable, but could you add balance with a female financial scale for those supporting the learners, and a male maintenance scale?

Good idea! Will have to work on that Very Happy

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:48 pm

amother Celeste wrote:

Potato Kugel anyone?

Haha nope! But I’m flattered!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:49 pm

Hamayvin Yavin wrote:

I love this. Please submit to the kichels

Thank you!! Any idea how to submit to kichels directly?

amother

Oldlace

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:54 pm

Op I’m HOWLING
Bonus: always thought me n hubby are not particularly well matched (he’s a tzaddik, I’m just … well, not Ken. But I’m just me) I was never worried just wondered how we ended up together😂
But we seem to both be in similar categories so shew!