Do you bring a gift for the host?

amother

Hunter

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 12:14 pm

I always bring something and keep a couple of extra bottles of wine around for "emergencies." My kids always bring something too. Dd has a very good friend who eats here frequently and has never brought anything. She is a sweet girl but it does bother me. ( And yes, her parents can afford it.)

Golde ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 12:37 pm

There isn't an eruv where I live, so the norm is to not bring anything. I don't and I've never had frum guests who brought anything either.
For Yom tov meals I always bring a gift, and so do most guests I've had as well.

Cheiny ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

Im just wondering what’s typical. We host a lot and I would say most people bring something, usually a bottle of wine or a dessert.

But recently we’ve hosted families for shabbos as well as for meals, and some people show up empty handed. I don’t specifically ask anyone to bring anything unless they offer. But some people don’t offer and don’t bring anyway.

It’s not offensive to me. I just find it strange. We would never show up to a meal empty handed. I would feel so uncomfortable doing that.

What do you do?

I agree with you. We never arrive empty handed when we’re hosted for meals. I’m not sure how some people don’t think it’s the proper show of gratitude and graciousness.

I’m wondering if others teach this to their children because lately when dc’s friends (late teens) come for an entire Shabbos they don’t bring anything either… I’d never send my kids to someone for Shabbos without a gift, same for meals…

amother

↑ Poinsettia ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:19 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Wow. You sound like a great person, and a grateful one as well! If only everyone would be as wonderful as you!

Ruchel ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:22 pm

Is a bouquet a gift? Because many people don't bring more for a meal, and/or some food. Some also bring nothing for family. I can't remember the last gift I was brought for a meal by family.

amother

Cream ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:27 pm

I pretty much always offer to bring something for a meal, but I don't bring anything if they say no, since sometimes they genuinely don't want anything. If it's a crazy week and I forgot to ask I bring wine. Always always always bring something for someone hosting us overnight

amother

↑ Cream

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:31 pm

I think for singles coming for a meal it's much more normal not to bring something, though. I hope I remember to send my children with something when they're older and going to meals without me, but I don't expect single guests to think of it, especially if they live at home

Sleepdeprived

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:35 pm

Most of my guests are single men, DH's yeshiva friends (we're of the first few of his friends to get married)
I don't expect anything from them and am not annoyed when they show up empty handed, what are they supposed to bring?
I find it cute when they team up and bring a good bottle of wine/candy platter and then polish the whole thing off after the meal.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:47 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Wow. You sound like a great person, and a grateful one as well! If only everyone would be as wonderful as you!

Thank you. I guess it depends a lot on how you’re raised.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:48 pm

Golde wrote:

The eruv thing shouldn’t be a reason… one can always drop something off before Shabbos.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:49 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Is a bouquet a gift? Because many people don't bring more for a meal, and/or some food. Some also bring nothing for family. I can't remember the last gift I was brought for a meal by family.

Of course a bouquet is a gift.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:50 pm

amother Cream wrote:

It’s pointless to ask. I can’t imagine most hosts would say, “Yes, bring me (fill in the blank).” That doesn’t mean one shouldn’t bring something, or that the hosts wouldn’t appreciate it…

↑ Cheiny ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:51 pm

amother Cream wrote:

Why shouldn’t singles bring something? Especially if they’re working… gratitude isn’t just for marrieds.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:54 pm

effess wrote:

I host often and most ppl don’t bring anything.
Those that do I appreciate their gesture, and those that don’t, I just enjoy their company.
When I get invited I bring a wine but it’s interesting to see the reaction of the host.
Some say a warm thank you and some are annoyed.

Annoyed? Bizarre. And showing annoyance? Even more bizarre, and rude. Just say thank you and smile whether you want it/like it or not…

↑ Cheiny ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:56 pm

amother Ghostwhite wrote:

I mainly go to my sisters or sisters in law for Shabbos. I’ll usually bring a bottle of wine but sometimes we forget to. I hope they don’t judge me.

It feels like a lame gift to be bringing anyways unless the woman of the house specifically likes wine which my sisters and sisters in law don’t. They’re the ones cooking for Shabbos in their families and I want to be gifting them but don’t know what to bring.

It’s the thought that counts most, not very important what the gift is per se.

amother

↑ Maize

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 3:09 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Maybe it is community based, but I always offer and am asked as well.
Guest-what can I bring.
Host-yourself, really not necessary.
Guest-but I’m going to-what is helpful
Host -thank you, what works for you? Do you want to bring fruit or dessert (or a salad or challah)
Guest-I can bake and will bring a chocolate cake.
Host-amazing! Thank you so much, I look forward to seeing you Shabbos

Guest 2
Repeat except when asking what works tell them you already have a chocolate cake (so host can either say a different dessert or decide you have enough dessert and say fruit or challah…)

And no, this is not pot luck whe. The host is making fish, chicken, brisket, salad, sizes, chullent, kugel, ……..
Pot luck is when one person makes brisket and salad and a side, another makes chicken and potato kugel and another side, and a third takes care of the fish, challah, and all of dessert (fruit/cake)