Do you bring a gift for the host?

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 12:31 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Thank you. I guess it depends a lot on how you’re raised.

I think you’re right. As a child, my parents would always gave me a bottle of wine to bring to my friends’ families when they had me for shabbos.

I grew up with this being the norm.

amother

Mintgreen

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 12:59 pm

I host very often and am a guest on rare occasions. Here are my "rules".
- A couple or family should always show up with something UNLESS it's very close family that don't want you to bring anything.
- If you ask your host what should you bring and they say don't bring anything then please don't bring food for the meal but you should bring wine or flowers or chocolate or something useful.
- A working single man or woman should also always bring a gift

As a hostess I honestly can say I don't remember which people didn't bring a gift. I also have regular guests that don't bring gifts - many of them have very limited means (be it monetary or social or other) and we are very glad that they don't bring anything.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think you’re right. As a child, my parents would always gave me a bottle of wine to bring to my friends’ families when they had me for shabbos.

I grew up with this being the norm.

Exactly. And even if things aren’t implicitly said, children see what their parents do and most times will do the same when they’re older…

↑ Cheiny ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:08 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

I don’t get the asking hosts what you should bring… that’s almost a guarantee they will say, “Nothing. Just bring yourself.” What host is going to outright tell a guest to bring them a specific gift? I guess some might but I don’t think it’s appropriate.

readreread

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:40 pm

I accidentally clicked the wrong thing while voting, oops, but I always bring something. Usually a bottle of wine.

I have asked what I can bring before and gotten an honest answer of "oh nothing, or maybe a bottle of wine?" So I don't think it is very rude for a host to be honest in response. Asking for a gift would be weird, but for something that will be shared by all? Seems okay to me.

↑ Golde

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:44 pm

Cheiny wrote:

The eruv thing shouldn’t be a reason… one can always drop something off before Shabbos.

I hear you... But nobody does that around here. It really is the norm that for Shabbat, no gifts are brought. I've lived here for about 30 years and I think it happened ONCE that someone dropped something off by me before Shabbat. It's just how the community works around here. I can see how it might look rude from the outside.

I haven't lived in other places without an eruv so I'm not sure if it's only my community or if it's common in other eruv free places that Shabbat equals no gift.

zaq

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

But it’s not always about the type of gift, but rather the gesture.

Even if I don’t drink wine, I would still appreciate the gesture of a guest brining it. It shows a level of appreciation.

This.

amother

↑ NeonPurple

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 3:02 pm

When my kids were younger I stocked up on hostess gifts a few times a year, so if they got a last-minute invite I didn't have to drop everything and run out to buy something. It was seldom something for the meal, since food is perishable and anything in a glass bottle is a bad idea for a kid to carry. It was mostly something for the baleboste herself or for "the house." We wouldn't dream of not bringing something. It's not a contribution to the meal but a "thank you" to the host/ess.

↑ Cheiny

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 4:51 pm

Golde wrote:

Never heard of such a thing..l

Busybee5 ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 5:30 pm

amother Ghostwhite wrote:

I mainly go to my sisters or sisters in law for Shabbos. I’ll usually bring a bottle of wine but sometimes we forget to. I hope they don’t judge me.

It feels like a lame gift to be bringing anyways unless the woman of the house specifically likes wine which my sisters and sisters in law don’t. They’re the ones cooking for Shabbos in their families and I want to be gifting them but don’t know what to bring.

Why not chocolates or flowers?

↑ Busybee5

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 5:34 pm

Golde wrote:

There isn't an eruv where I live, so the norm is to not bring anything. I don't and I've never had frum guests who brought anything either.
For Yom tov meals I always bring a gift, and so do most guests I've had as well.

We drop it off before Shabbos.

↑ lamplighter

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 6:18 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Never heard of such a thing..l

In my non eruv community this is the norm. People coming before shabbos to drop something off is the exception. Yom tov people usually bring something.