Pressure to have | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 8:10 am

I know this will sound dumb to many people
But in my community there is a big pressure to have $$. Many people do have bh and for the girls who are marrying working boys there’s a lot of pressure to marry someone who’s making a lot
I married my wonderful amazing handsome husband and he didn’t make a lot of money. Bh that is expected soon to change but we live very simply. Think basement apt, own a 6 yr old car, bh we are not lacking but we are the exception in the way we live.

I feel looked down upon by a lot of people, even family. When I first got married family would make comments about my husband and ask me if he’s looking for another job, and omg what r u gonna do when u have a baby if you can’t work
When I talk to my cousin about Shidduchim and we’re talking about ppl who get support vs not and she says “I don’t need a ton of $$ but I want to have some money” basically hinting that we have nothing. Another family member will say about her daughter who’s in Shidduchim, if we’re all sitting and having a convo about whatever, somehow it’ll come up- if we’re talking about apartments or cars or whatever, “I don’t want her living like that (like us)

We don’t have nothing bh. We are budgeted and trying to save and spend smartly and considering that we came into the marriage with nothing, I only worked 6 months out of the year, and we had a baby (which by the way we paid for all the expenses ourselves) we have a nice amount in emergency fund and investments and I’m proud of it.

I know we are doing the right thing but how do I come across more confident with other people when most people aren’t doing like us? Yes, I’m young in case you can’t tell and it’s very hard to always feel like the odd one out. I know the problem is me, and if I can just change my attitude and stop comparing and all that, but it’s so hard. I don’t know why people expect the norm to be young men making 150k+

I guess I just want to know how to respond to people who comment like that and not take it so to heart- then I feel like we’re not doing enough, trying enough, I start comparing again and it’s so bad

amother

Hunter

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 8:27 am

I just want to say it’s a bracha that your husband is on board and has the the same mindset. I look up to you and him for not joining the rat race and secretly others do to.

This is Coming from someone who had an argument/discussion with dh last night that we can’t go to Israel for succos because we have some cc debt and no savings (and he can’t understand it) most people spending you have no clue how much $$$ they are in debt.

amother

Snapdragon

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 10:09 am

I was in your place 20 years ago. We still are not well to do people, but I am very happy and grateful. I feel like I have so much. I do have so much!

There are 2 things that come to mind.
1. Don't compare. So, don't look at others and be upset that you don't have so much BUT also never say to yourself oh we're really making good financial decisions, and other people have debt or poor values or whatever. Just. Dont. Compare. The words you say to yourself should just be thank you Hashem for giving us what we have. We are going to make the best decisions and be careful financially. Don't even think about others. That ends up building your confidence because you learn to just smile and be who you are and not worry or care about everyone else. No need to put others in a bad light to feel good, just they do their life and I do mine. The Aibeshter has enough to give to all of us.

2. Build and own your values. Figure out who you are and what makes you tick and own it. Teach it to your kids, live your life by those values, and be proud of living your life on your own terms. It comes across very confidently when you can know, deep inside, that you do what you do and know why and believe in it. Don't let others in where they don't belong. When my MIL used to say things like, You aren't going to XYZ, you aren't going? over and over in this voice of disbelief, I used to go crazy. Now, I just smile serenely and say No. I don't defend, I don't explain, I don't justify. I owe no one an explanation except my spouse and G-d. And we're fine, thank you very much.

It comes with time, with experience. What you feel is very understandable, but keep doing what you're doing. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders, mature and responsible!