Nephew Threatens to Bite My Kids

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 7:38 am

I have an adorable 4 YO nephew, who let's just say has some behavioral issues. Anyway, DD10 came to me today to ask me what to do when he threatens her. He doesn't just threaten. He literally tries to bite her (or my others) when he doesn't get his way. (My kids range from ages 10-3)

When one of my kids told my sister, I think it was my 7 YO, my sister responded, "Watch out for him. He's strong." She isn't addressing the issue effectively at all.

I'm proud of my kids for not hurting their cousin back. She has ADHD and can be impulsive so this is really impressive. But I am at a lost what to do. We are together for another few days at least. And my kids can't stand their cousin. Can't say I blame them.

dena613

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 7:51 am

You need to protect your kids.
Since it's a few of yours threatened by one of hers, you'll have to watch him like a hawk. If you can, keep your kids far from him.
Oy.

amother

Aconite ↓

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 7:57 am

In this case I just go straight to the kid. If your kid is putting my kid in danger or uncomfortable positions and the parent had the opportunity to discipline the way want and chose to leave my kid vulnerable instead I take matters into my heads. I’ll protect my kids. And I would tell my kids to very strongly tell the child we don’t play with kids that hurt us and to walk away, go to a room and close the door. I’d also go to the child myself and say it’s not acceptable and if they are going to hurt kids they will have to leave the room and not be able to be next any other kids.

The kid obviously does it because the parent allows and encourages it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 8:08 am

amother Snapdragon wrote:

U need to have a talk with your sister

She told them to bite him back Can't Believe It

I was like I really don't think you want them to. And regardless, I DO NOT LET MY KIDS BITE.

She also thinks my kids are not nice. He's only 4 and they're older. True, they aren't that nice. But it's really hard to be when they are constantly threatened. He is also extremely wild and throws things at everyone.

DD10 went to DH and told him that he needs to teach nephew NOT to bite. I thought that was funny, but I told her that it is NOT DH's job to discipline his nephew.

This might be a good learning experience for my kids on some level. She told me, "We all hate being punished. BUT we see what happens when a kid doesn't get punished."

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 8:12 am

Another relevant issue is that we let our kids watch TV occasionally and sister doesn't. We are staying near each other but not in the same living space. We turn the TV on in our living space not in theirs. Nephew comes in and tells my kids that he wants something else and if they don't change it, they get threatened with biting (obviously) and then he threatens to destroy the TV.

Am I wrong to let my kids watch TV? They have to earn it and it's something they look forward to on vacation.

amother

↑ Aconite

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 8:15 am

amother OP wrote:

Why are you allowing this in your living space. I’d walk him back immediately and tell his parents your kids are watching now and he can’t come over. And then lock your door. Why would you not get involved when you see him being violent in your space? The fact you are questioning if you need to change the way you live based on his threats is concerning, why are you allowing yourself to be bullied by a 4 year old??? Every time you turn it on lock your door.

abound

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 8:16 am

When he comes in and starts misbehaving....you...not your kids, say time to go. In this family we dont bite, yell etc. And take him out. Dont discipline, but dont let him act out near you.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 8:17 am

amother Aconite wrote:

You're right.

ittsamother

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 8:19 am

If a kid is threatening or hurting my kids and their parent won't step in, I feel it becomes my job. If a kid is at my house and their parent won't discipline, it becomes my job. I'd step in and say very firmly in front of all the kids "There is no biting or hurting allowed in my house. Whoever bites or hurts cannot be here with everyone else." And then literally tell him it's time to go when he engages in this kind of behavior. You can't control what he does elsewhere but the lines can be very strong within your own territory- this type of behavior will not be tolerated and you can't be here when you engage in it.

imaima

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 8:24 am

amother OP wrote:

Say to your sister: it’s TV time, not good for for your son. Hang out with him yourself!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 8:56 am

abound wrote:

When he comes in and starts misbehaving....you...not your kids, say time to go. In this family we dont bite, yell etc. And take him out. Dont discipline, but dont let him act out near you.

Sounds worth a try.

amother

↑ Snapdragon

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 8:58 am

amother OP wrote:

She told them to bite him back Can't Believe It

Oh wow thats next level. I agree with everyone else just deal with him directly. Send him away when he behaves like that etc.

mummiedearest

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 9:02 am

Op, let your sis know that in your space, you do not accept certain behaviors. If she will not discipline him, you will. If she does not like that, she has her own living space.

Tv time- your children get to choose. He can watch what they’re watching or play quietly on his own. Any demands/threats and he is given one very clear warning. A second time and he is sent to his family’s space.

If your sis is there with him and doesn’t want to take him home, you can create a timeout corner. If it is too much for you to deal with implementing timeouts, you’ll have to insist they leave for five minutes. They can take a walk. When they come back, explain to him why he was sent away, then have him apologize to his cousins. They have to treat him civilly once he apologizes until the next incident.

Sibs who don’t discipline their kids can be the worst guests. It’s an unfortunate thing you have to deal with. If your sis won’t cooperate, don’t vacation near them next time. It’s a learning experience for all of you.

amother

DarkYellow

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 9:26 am

As a mother with a child with behavior issues, this is unacceptable.

#1 My child is older than 4 but even then I woud not allow him to play unsupervised for more than very short periods of time.

#2 I understand why she feels other kids are not being nice to hers, but it takes 2.
Call me a helicopter parent but if something happens I'm right there.. and if he isnt playing nicely or appropriately o can help him with his social skills and redirect.

#3 I didn't realize right away your not in the same living space. If your not, he should not be in your living space.
At all.
Anything out of bounds, say we don't act that way in our house, you need to leave now. Don't invite him back.
Minimize the time you spend together.

Your sister needs to take responsibility.

You can commiserate how hard it is to have a behavioral child, but she needs to take responsibility.

I don't pretend to have control of my child, I acknowledge its difficult and I dont feel like theres much I can do, but I wouldn't sit back while he hurts another child.

amother

Dodgerblue

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 10:29 am

amother OP wrote:

This year is a unique situation. It's extremely unlikely to happen again anytime soon. We just have to survive until the end.

But it WILL happen again I the future. Your sister and nephew need to know that you won't tolerate this. Your kids need to feel safe.
Deal with this properly, for everyone's sake. It will help you next time around too.

amother

Nasturtium

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 10:42 am

I have kids with diagnoses.

I was foolish enough to believe my sister when she offered to give one of my kids a medicine that tasted horrible, and got badly kicked in the knee. That knee later needed surgery.

On an extended family vacation, I was foolish enough to leave another kid home with cousins, and he attempted molestation. We found out after we had already left the next day, got him into immediate discussion with the therapist, and offered to pay for treatment for his cousin.

Another one bumped into a glass table at the home of one of my mother's friends, and broke the glass. We replaced it immediately, but were told we were unwelcome to ever return.

I wish with all my heart that my family had never offered to do more with and for my challenging kids, they -- and I -- had no idea of how much damage their well meaning offers would end up causing because we were overwhelmed and assumed it would be okay.

Please listen to my experience. Keep boundaries, and ultimately, you'll have a better chance of not ruining relationships.

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Aug 09 2024, 10:47 am

From now on any threat of biting gets him Sent Home!

If your sister is allowing this behavior to continue by not implementing consequences she can deal with his boredom and his cousins not liking him.
Have you ever...