My son has been stealing :(

amother

Honey

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 12:49 pm

Meds can have unpredictable results. It's quite possible that it could be related to the meds.

amother

↑ Seablue

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 2:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for responding. Can I ask what this new plan is?

DD is working with a phenomenal therapist. One thing they worked on for a long time was her tolerating negative feelings - and that included being able to talk about things she didn’t want to admit to. After some time she was finally willing to admit and talk about what was going on with the therapist. And with more time she was able to talk to me and my husband about it.

Once we reached that point we had an open convo with her about what’s going on and what solutions she has to fix it. The plan DD came up with is that whenever she’s hungry in the night/early morning she’s allowed to go and take real food - fruits, veggies, leftover supper, yogurt, cheese, etc. Even if it’s way past her bedtime. This way she doesn’t feel like she will get in trouble and doesn’t need to sneak treats.

It’s only been about a few days since then, but we haven’t found any wrappers in her room yet…

I will add, that she has a small appetite in general, and her adhd pills make it even smaller, so good chance she is legitimately hungry whenever she sneaks snacks. We just need to work on better food choices.

amother

Offwhite

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 8:59 pm

It’s so interesting because just last week I heard a class about channeling children’s’ negative midos into positive ones and I wonder how this could be applied to your child.
Basically, the premise is that children have midos that are inherent and cannot be forcibly changed, but can be directed appropriately to be used in positive ways.
Some kids just like “things” more than others. I have a child like that as well and would love to know how to direct this drive to be constructive.
The premise is that any midah can be used positively, and this is in fact a Torah based concept. (Think Eisav and Dovid Hamelech.)
Any ideas on this topic? I’d love some input from thought -out moms out there…

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 9:23 pm

No advice except I feel you. I remember the morah calling me to tell me my child steals things from her desk ,other ppl backpacks etc. It gets better.

amother

Lightblue

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 9:36 pm

amother Offwhite wrote:

He was generous and thoughtful because it sounds like he bought canteen for his whole bunk and not just for himself! Maybe he thought it was a good idea.

OP, This is not uncommon. My son’s friend did something similar in camp. He is older now and a mature bright young man. It sounds like your son acts without thinking about the consequences but doesn’t mean to harm anyone by it. I think you should have him work to earn back the money he spent and then have him give it back to the person it belongs to with an apology. Every time he sneaks a snack or steals, there needs to be a predetermined consequence. With time , he will learn that every action has a consequence.

↑ Chayalle

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 10:04 pm

amother Offwhite wrote:

I wonder if OP's son would do well if he were occasionally given a treat to share with his bunk at camp, or class at school....channeling that natural generosity that he has might fill him up and take away his need to steal in order to fill that void.....

As I posted, I have a child with ADD, and she is also naturally very generous. Always loves sharing. I enjoy baking for example, and she loves taking my homemade goodies to school and sharing with her friends. I think she enjoys giving things away as much as enjoying them for herself. If she earns money it's easy come easy go, but this is also due to her sharing whatever she has....

B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Aug 02 2024, 12:47 am

amother OP wrote:

For background, yes he has ADHD. He is 10, and was diagnosed about 3 years ago. He struggles mainly with impulsivity, more so than with hyperactivity.

About 6 months ago he was also diagnosed with DMDD, and put on a baby dose of prozac. That majorly helped his mood but I'm not sure if that's what's behind all this or not..

Basically he has begun stealing almost anything he can get his hands on. At home he's taking treats/candy any time we have our back turned. We were of course advised to lock it up/get rid of it, but he would then move on to just taking ridiculous amounts of snacks. I can't really keep THOSE locked up, I need them to be accessible to my kids when they're packing up for school. And even if I did lock them up, I'm 100% sure he'd move on to taking my chocolate chips or whatever he could find. He does this when he knows he won't be 'caught' eg when my husband isn't home and I'm giving the baby a bath (so I'm 'stuck' in the bathroom watching her)

We went away for shabbos a few weeks ago and he tried to take an old broken cell phone and a huge bag of quarters/spare change. When discovered, he tried to pull an 'oh what's that?' routine.

Recently in day camp, he was given a job working in canteen. Someone gave him around $100 and asked him to bring it to the head counselor. I'm not 100% clear on the story, as this was told to my husband and then to me but basically he used some of the money to buy his entire group sodas and then was also trying to buy donuts. Someone got suspicious and alerted a counselor. He first tried saying that we (his parents) gave him the money, and then when that didn't work he said it was his own money. Which it's not, because any petty cash he had accumulated over the years is long gone, as he spends it in the vending machines at school.

He still has not admitted that he stole the money, he's still insisting the money was his. But I know that's it's common for people to cling to their lie even when found out.

I just have no idea what to do. We told the camp we would reimburse them for what he took (though the number is not clear) and we would give him jobs at home to do in order to pay us back. Also we told them he should not be allowed to work in the canteen anymore. I didn't agree with that practice to begin with, anyway.

But how do I put a stop to it?? Keep him chained up all day?? I've been crying all day from this. Every conversation we try to have with him about it ends with him shutting down saying that we never ever trust him. Well what can I say to that? No I do not trust him!

We will obviously speak to his psychiatrist about adjusting his medication as needed but I don't feel like I can just sit back and blame his ADHD for this. I'm completely at a loss, I feel like the biggest failure. I'm so humiliated. And I don't want to have the kind of relationship with my son where he feels like we don't like him/don't believe him/don't support him! But to be honest, I don't see how I'll ever be able to believe a word he says!

If anyone has any advice at all for me, I'll gladly take it Sad

You need a good chinuch adviser. On the one hand, he is ten and these are formative years but on the other you dont want to break him. He can learn and he needs you to believe in him that he can be better. He needs more time and attention from you and your dh.

The job the camp gave him is not age appropriate by a long shot. This is on them.

Money should never be given to one person to hold, but to two together. I believe there is a Torah source for this. The camp is over Lifnei Iver Lo Sisayn Michshol.

Ethically - you dealt with this correctly, can you tell the camp this is too much a a nisayon to put on a 10 year old. BTW - ur son must give off "responsible" vibes to have been given the job to begin with. They should have checked with you in advance if it ok...

My friends daughter (also 10) once stole money that I gave my daughter for camp treats. She told my daughter and other girls in the bunk that they should all pool their moneys together and always buy treats together (selling communism....). The girl is a bully (Ive seen her physically push other girls off a chair that she wanted, etc.) and the others went along with her. The girl "lost" all their money. My daughter told me with tears in her eyes. The girls parents are good friends and they backed their daughter up, I quietly swallowed it, replaced the money and taught my kids not to trust others with money.

May Hashem give you the koach and wisdom to best help your son.

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Aug 02 2024, 3:11 am

I have this problem with my son as well. Also with ADHD and very impulsive

we are working but he still stole last week.

I was told to give him spending money but it didn't help

and it's not stealing for a need - like your son it's to buy more treats (which he has plenty of)

in general if he has any money he spends it all

amother

Brass

Fri, Aug 02 2024, 3:34 am

My DD has ADHD and for a short time was stealing snacks. We put a lock on the pantry and gave my older DC the combo. My DD understood why we did it and didn't even ask for the code. She respected it surprisingly. We stopped finding candy wrappers all over her room.

Get a med adjustment. Finding the right combo of antidepressants and ADHD meds really help. We still have issues. Life is definitely not perfect. But hopefully pesach cleaning next year will be easier as I won't have to do her room 4x. Can't Believe It

amother

Dustypink

Fri, Aug 02 2024, 5:09 am

My daughter was stealing snacks and I actually did the opposite of what people here are saying.

On the advice of a therapist, I told her that I see she needs more and going forward, if she feels she needs an extra treat or something in order to motivate herself to do something, she can just take it without asking me (as long as none of her siblings are around).

As soon as she had my permission and it wasn't sneaking anymore, she almost never took extra. But when she did, I just smiled and said enjoy.

MommyASI

Sun, Aug 11 2024, 8:51 pm

Camp probably made an error. I would have your son go into the camp office with you *together* are give over something to demonstrate restitution. It could be $10 or snacks, but it will help him understand how we make things right. You can do the same exercise at home if he takes snacks from siblings when you restock the next week if he has taken their share.