Do I tell my son to stop texting?

amother

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 6:44 pm

I have a 17 yr old SN son who got very attached to a tutor I can no longer afford. Both tutor and my son are aware of the situation. My son keeps texting him, adding him to what's app groups he creates, etc.
Do I need to ask my son to stop or at least minimize contact or do I leave it up to the former tutor to decide if it is inappropriate and tell my son? I'd hate for him to get annoyed and end up blocking my son because of it.
What's the right thing here?
(Of all my son's challenges, socialization is the greatest, and he's lonely a lot, so this one really hurts. If I could find a way to continue the tutoring I would).

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 6:47 pm

Can he understand why it’s inappropriate and might annoy the tutor? If he can understand I’d explain it so that he doesn’t end up being blocked. If he can’t understand I’d leave it and hope it works out ok.

BrachaVHatzlocha

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 6:52 pm

I think I would ask the tutor if it bothers him. It sounds like they made a kesher. I tutor and sometimes connect with my students. We don't schmooze much outside of "work," but totally wouldn't mind hearing from them here & there.

amother

Raspberry

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 8:31 pm

BrachaVHatzlocha wrote:

This. My husband is a rebbe for special needs kids. I know that's not exactly the same situation, but similar...He has one boy who he taught years ago that still calls him once every month or two, just to shmooze. Another who had left the school and then asked if dh could learn with him (he calls him once a week on his commute). It would be so sad if the kids' parents told them not to be in touch with him because it might annoy him.

(Obviously depending on how often it's happening or how disruptive it is for the tutor, he might say no. But at least then you know what you're dealing with...)

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 8:33 pm

I think it's a pretty safe bet to do some perspective taking with him. How do you think the tutor feels about you? He probably does really like you. How does he feel getting so text so often? Do you think it might be too much? Do you think if you cut down text more often, you're more likely to maintain a good relationship? You can share the idea that sometimes having more boundaries with your contact keeps people more likely to be in touch with you.

I would not tell him what to do. I would share these ideas and let him learn. This is a pretty good place for him to experiment.

amother

Lime

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 8:39 pm

amother Raspberry wrote:

Just want to point out that this is so, so special of your dh. Wow.

amother

Garnet ↓

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 9:05 pm

I think it's an important social skill to teach your son. Rather than you asking the tutor you can direct your son to ask himself if this is bothersome

amother

Midnight

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 9:11 pm

I work in the special needs field…I have some clients who call/text nonstop. It is quite annoying, to be honest. I don’t want to block them because I feel bad, but I wish the parents would set limits. Calling me 5 times a day is not ok.

amother

Hydrangea

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 9:12 pm

I think texting him is ok with limits (not too often , not late at night, etc) and the tutor can choose how to respond. Also you could monitor the texts to make sure everything is polite and appropriate. I would tell him not to add him to groups without asking him first.

amother

↑ Garnet

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 9:19 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

You can set a limit for your clients too

amother

Alyssum

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 9:34 pm

I would talk to the tutor and come up with something together.

Maybe only on RC your son can wish him gut chodesh and they can text then but that's it.

He definitely shouldn't be adding the tutor to groups!