My son has been stealing :(

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 9:30 am

For background, yes he has ADHD. He is 10, and was diagnosed about 3 years ago. He struggles mainly with impulsivity, more so than with hyperactivity.

About 6 months ago he was also diagnosed with DMDD, and put on a baby dose of prozac. That majorly helped his mood but I'm not sure if that's what's behind all this or not..

Basically he has begun stealing almost anything he can get his hands on. At home he's taking treats/candy any time we have our back turned. We were of course advised to lock it up/get rid of it, but he would then move on to just taking ridiculous amounts of snacks. I can't really keep THOSE locked up, I need them to be accessible to my kids when they're packing up for school. And even if I did lock them up, I'm 100% sure he'd move on to taking my chocolate chips or whatever he could find. He does this when he knows he won't be 'caught' eg when my husband isn't home and I'm giving the baby a bath (so I'm 'stuck' in the bathroom watching her)

We went away for shabbos a few weeks ago and he tried to take an old broken cell phone and a huge bag of quarters/spare change. When discovered, he tried to pull an 'oh what's that?' routine.

Recently in day camp, he was given a job working in canteen. Someone gave him around $100 and asked him to bring it to the head counselor. I'm not 100% clear on the story, as this was told to my husband and then to me but basically he used some of the money to buy his entire group sodas and then was also trying to buy donuts. Someone got suspicious and alerted a counselor. He first tried saying that we (his parents) gave him the money, and then when that didn't work he said it was his own money. Which it's not, because any petty cash he had accumulated over the years is long gone, as he spends it in the vending machines at school.

He still has not admitted that he stole the money, he's still insisting the money was his. But I know that's it's common for people to cling to their lie even when found out.

I just have no idea what to do. We told the camp we would reimburse them for what he took (though the number is not clear) and we would give him jobs at home to do in order to pay us back. Also we told them he should not be allowed to work in the canteen anymore. I didn't agree with that practice to begin with, anyway.

But how do I put a stop to it?? Keep him chained up all day?? I've been crying all day from this. Every conversation we try to have with him about it ends with him shutting down saying that we never ever trust him. Well what can I say to that? No I do not trust him!

We will obviously speak to his psychiatrist about adjusting his medication as needed but I don't feel like I can just sit back and blame his ADHD for this. I'm completely at a loss, I feel like the biggest failure. I'm so humiliated. And I don't want to have the kind of relationship with my son where he feels like we don't like him/don't believe him/don't support him! But to be honest, I don't see how I'll ever be able to believe a word he says!

If anyone has any advice at all for me, I'll gladly take it Sad

amother

Seablue ↓

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 9:39 am

That sounds really really tough… DD10 Has adhd and also sneaks food, but isn’t as extreme as your describing. This is not uncommon for kids with ADHD, but obviously it doesn’t mean it’s ok…

Do you have him in therapy? We find that it helps with these impulsive behaviors, even just to bring awareness that it’s wrong and help problem solve what to do for future. For my DD she was sneaking snacks and candy in bed at night/early morning. She used to deny it, but we finally reached the point where she can admit and discuss it. We came up with a new plan for her (too soon to see if it works, but at least she is somewhat invested now!).

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 9:42 am

amother Seablue wrote:

Thank you for responding. Can I ask what this new plan is?

amother

Candycane

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 10:57 am

Did you ask the psych if the medication could be contributing to it? Is he on meds to treat his actual ADHD (which should help him self-regulate)? My ADHD meds helped me in a lot of other areas.

Not that this really helps you, but people with ADHD can be 1/3 behind age-wise in terms of regulation, emotion, and all ADHD affected areas. So in terms of him getting certain responsibilities, maybe consider if this is something you'd give to a 7 year old. Even though I know you never wanted him to do that job anyway.

I'm so sorry, this sounds so so difficult. But I really think you need to work with the psychiatrist to find the proper ADHD med for his impulsivity. Prozac seems way stronger and may not specifically target the ADHD.

mummiedearest

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 11:01 am

I would suggest you give him more direct responsibility. It’s great that he has to work off the debt to you, but I think bringing him in to camp to have him apologize to whoever this affected would be appropriate. If he won’t tell you who gave him the money, he should apologize to the camp director. The director should let him know that since his behavior was dishonest, he will not be given such privileges in the future. Then the director should follow through.

Regardless of the medical aspect, your son needs to experience real world consequences that are not just about his parents. This is about education.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 11:13 am

Thank you so much for all the kind, validating, thoughtful responses.

You are probably right that he needs a new therapist, but you know how hard it is when you find someone that you can actually afford and the idea of finding someone new is just.. daunting. If it has to be done it has to be done but it's so hard.

Yes he is on meds for the ADHD, I know his psychiatrist will recommend some adjustments when I speak to her but as someone else said, ADHD or not I need him to understand there are real world consequences for this type of behavior.

It makes me feel better to know that this isn't insanely unheard of. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this because I feel like I don't know anyone else that would have a clue what to say to me. It's a lonely feeling so thank you all for giving me this space.

amother

Gray

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 11:33 am

I have a close relative who is going thru a very similar situation with her 10 year old daughter (who may also have ADD. She has been diagnosed with anxiety.) She is in daycamp and they had a drive for the kids to collect $$ for a certain organization, and they get prizes according to how much they collect. She came in with over $1K for the biggest prize, but hadn't collected anything....it turned out she stole the money from someone in the family. The money was returned, but she keeps sticking to her story and thinks the camp needs to give her the prize. There have also been a string of petty thefts - she comes home with various toys, etc...that she claims her friends gave her and it turns out she stole them on playdates.

My relative is also going thru such a hard time with this, but it seems to be normal for the age/diagnosis for the child.....

She also helps herself to snacks, treats, etc....she was staying at my house overnight last year and I saw her take a whole bag of candy and slip it into her briefcase....I didn't make a big deal about it, just took back the bag of candy and gave her 1 or 2.....

Chayalle ↓

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 11:42 am

Sounds tough OP. My MIL AH was a pre-1-A teacher for many years, and she told me that kids/stealing is very normal. 10 may be older, but he's likely more immature and BEH with the right help he will grow up and move on from this. It's a hard stage in the moment but keep in mind BEH this does not brand him for life.

I want to also say that from a Halachic standpoint, you might not be chayav to repay the camp. They had no business giving a $100 to a Katan and trusting him to bring it to the head counselor. I understand doing this from a POV of not being embarrassed, but I really think you don't need to feel so humiliated - this is your child that Hashem gave you, with inherent challenges. Don't take it so to heart, it's not a reflection on you. Anyone who thinks otherwise is lacking in awareness.

I have a child with ADD, and though BH this has not been our specific challenge, I do understand the snacking all over the place, taking the Shabbos nosh/chocolate, bending household rules (they just don't seem to apply), etc...but at specific times I see sudden strides and growth, here and there, so that BEH they get there.

Hang on. It's a journey. You sound like a great mother, doing your best.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 12:39 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Tysm. You are definitely right that from a halachic standpoint we are not chayav, the camp did not ask us to pay this money back and recognizes that they should not have given it to him. This is something my husband and I want to do to hopefully give him a concrete way to understand the value of money.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 12:41 pm

amother Gray wrote:

A DNA test may be in order because WOW this is so something I could picture my son doing..

Thank you for sharing. If you feel inclined, maybe show this relative this thread, as it has been very validating for me and may be for her as well.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 12:48 pm

Bh Not totally the same situation. But I have one child that likes to take stuff more than others. He wasn't therapy at one point and it came up. What we do is is that I have a few snack boxes and he knows some boxes he needs to ask and some boxes he can just take from. I know, that he takes from the one he's not supposed to all the time, but he also knows that I can go through his briefcase at any point and take it out. For example, this morning he took two chocolate bars and he was supposed to get one. I just took one out of his briefcase. For the most part, as long as it's food in my house, I don't make a big deal about it. He once took a package of gum from a store. I actually took him back. Made him bring moneyy to pay for it. He had to go to customer service and admit that he took the gum without paying and he had to pay for it. He's never done it again.

I'm a pretty clear boundaries of my house of stuff that he can always have without asking and stuff that he needs to ask before. And the truth is, most of the times I just give in when he asks, I usually don't mind that he takes.

But like for example, last week I bought a 10 pack package of Go fish for all the kids to have for snack. I couldn't find it and found the entire package in his briefcase. I took it out and told him he is able to have one bag a day and it's for everyone else as well.