My husband makes everything worse.

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 8:16 pm

I have multiple kids with adhd. They don't take anything seriously and make everything into a joke. The problem is that my husband is the exact same way and makes everything 100x worse. I literally can't take it anymore with him around. I've asked him a million times to stop turning everything into fun and games but he just won't stop, never makes the kids do anything they need to do (getting into pjs, brushing teeth, getting into bed, getting ready for the day etc.) And just jokes around with them and they never listen to me because they see he's making a joke out of it. Its so frustrating already and I'm so done

amother

Broom ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 8:30 pm

That does sound very frustrating. My husband does the same, not not to such a n extent. So I can sorta understand.

Can you try letting him do the routines? It will be a domino effect. When they don't get ready for bed on time, they'll go to bed late. Once they go to bed late, it will be harder for them to wake in the morning, making morning routine harder. It's not a real solution, but just so he realizes the consequences of his actions.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 8:33 pm

amother Broom wrote:

That's what happens but I'm left to deal with them in the morning. And then they're grumpier from going to bed too late.
Hes yet to realize the consequences and even when he does he'll never realize it in the moment and keep making them more hyper and forming everything into a game

amother

↑ Broom

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 8:40 pm

Fair enough. So if he does bedtime late, then he has to do morning routine too.

Or maybe it might work better for you if you asked him to please not be around at bedtime. It might be hard not to have help but it may be worth it in the long run.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 8:42 pm

amother Broom wrote:

I wish. Wouldn't be hard at all. Would make my life much easier actually. But then they'd never see him

WhatFor

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

The problem is its not only bedtime. It's literally any time he needs to be serious. That was just insane example of many.

There's nothing inherently wrong with turning things into fun and games. It can often actually make things go faster than slower because kids are more motivated to do things.

The problem here seems to be that he's playing in ways that distract rather than reach the objective. You can try to jump in and add to the game but in a way that moves things along (let's see who can brush teeth the fastest)!

But you also said your DH is just like your kids which makes me wonder if he has ADHD (which tends to be genetic). If so, is he being treated for it? Because if he has untreated ADHD then that's probably the larger issue.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Jun 21 2024, 7:42 am

WhatFor wrote:

Yes you got it correct with both your points. Fun and games can definitely be a good thing but like you said he is playing in ways that distract not help.
He does have adhd, it's not an issue in anything else but this area. He's BH a very successful person. It really doesn't affect him being functional

smarty skirt

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 12:17 am

that is tough, if the husband also has adhd or add as it can be hereditary then he will be challanged to organize. However he needs to be a team together with you, even starting with, your mother and I would like you to.....so you never have to say I Depending on ages of kids, they can have each their own dry erase check off board with movable checks with the list they create each day, maybe he can be in charge of incentives and you in charge of the creation of lists with them and prompting perhaps you can ask his opinion on things like magic 123 programs or whatever....you are right the children need to develp and he is right you need mostly positives so you would first need to work this out with your husband and realize it is not him being able to be the way you want him to be!!!!!!

amother

Milk

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 12:58 am

OP have you ever gone on a vacation without your husband and kids?
Can you schedule one for the beginning of the school year, when summer is over and the kids need to be on time and in school? You can use the excuse that it is easier for your husband when they aren't around all day. If not then just go now.
But my suggestion is to go for 5-8 days, without them, and leave your husband to do everything. Bathtime, bedtime, supper, getting up in the morning. He will quickly lose his fun and games nonchalant attitude and start getting annoyed at their antics. By the time you get back yes everything may be upside down but he will also be much more sympathetic to you and much less distracting them just to be funny.

TBH you wrote ADHD, but to me the thinking everything is a game sounds ASD. My kids who make a game out of everything even serious are ASD kids. The ones who aren't ASD know to differentiate between when someone is serious and there are no jokes, and when something is funny and the other person is playing around. Could be learned ASD behavior (learned from your DH, or from an ASD older sibling) but to me it is ASD behavior. (I have an ADHD kid who has developed ASD behaviors, too late to be truly ASD, but all the behaviors are copycat of an older sibling and when the sibling isn't there the behaviors are better.)