I think there's something wrong with me

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 7:30 pm

PrairieFairy wrote:

This sounds really tough OP, sending hugs!

I know you said you aren't eating emotionally, would you be able to explain a bit more about how you came to that conclusion.

Based on your post, it seems like there is an emotional component, just not in the way you are assuming.

In my understanding from your post, "emotional eating" is stuffing feelings that you don't want to face.

I'm noticing more of the emotions feeling trapped, limited, suffocated and the like and looking for feelings of freedom.

Does this resonate with you?

Also wondering about what version of OA did you try (it seems that was longest stint but then maybe it was the longest "limiting/trapped" feeling so resulted in the longest lasting binge).

I work with people who struggle with these kinds of things and looking at it from a different angle might benefit you...one of compassion and working through the guilt and shame first so that those factors aren't adding as much interference. Then approach it with a perspective of curiosity. What is the hunger telling you? What is the food dialogue telling you? There can be a lot there that is not even food related but the shame/guilt blocks you from hearing that intuitive voice that is exhibiting as a craving.

It also seems like each approach you are trying is seemingly still trying to control your food...but if you're feeling the feelings of trappedness, the external decision of control might add fuel to the fire so makes sense it wouldn't last.

Also. Just want to add a correction to the other poster that said no one is born with this kind of hunger....people with Prader-Willi syndrome are. There is no cure for that. I don't think you have that as you'd be binging more frequently. However, you might benefit from researching that condition and using some tools that people with that condition use. I'd use this as a last resort because based on your post, there are still options for you.

Prader-Willi syndrome has basically no options other than acceptance and locking food away.

The emotional component seems to be a desire for freedom from food noise/thoughts. When I actually binge the fight between urges and the logic part of my brain quiets. I don't binge when I'm angry or tired or sad.
The reason why I tried OA and stayed there so long was because everyone there spoke of the miracle of the quiet. I longed for that quiet but it never came to be. Eventually willpower got too hard and the urges got too intense, I just crashed and then did not stop bingeing for 4 months.
I will look into the coping tips for people with PW syndrome and see if I can use any.
Thanks.
I am trying to approach this with compassion. It's hard.

↑ PrairieFairy ↓

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 4:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks for sharing. This is what I suspected. Your experience is pretty classic for that. Especially since you added in that you used to restrict.

Even if you're not restricting, it sounds like the restrictive thoughts are there (shouldn't have this, why can't I just not eat this, why can't I put it down and eat "normally", if I don't eat this or that I'll be thinner/happier/better etc) and those can have an affect even without the restricting! It's a HUGE contributor to the insane cravings.

Instead of researching PW Syndrome and their tools, I'd suggest you research post eating disorder extreme hunger. There are SOOOO many youtube videos on that. I suspect you will really relate to that and will explain the extreme hunger. Unless there is a comprehensive approach to healing from the bottom up, the thoughts don't go away and nor do the cravings.

Next time you are looking for a therapist on this issue (if you are), look for one that is comfortable dealing with anorexia. Not that you have that (although you can be obese and have that), but more that there are some similarities so the approach there will likely be more supportive for you.

I'd also suggest giving OA another chance. BUT filter for the meetings that have an anorexia focus. It might feel slightly weird being overweight and using recovery tools for anorexia, but it covers more angles than the other OA (and the other version of OA will NOT really be of service to someone with the restrictive dialogue even if in the past! The Anorexia angle has NONE of this no flour or sugar idea)

I know it feels like we have to deal with the binging/overeating issue first (that's more shameful than the restrictive angle and more desperate feeling) but coming from addressing the restrictive side covers all more comprehensively in my experience (personally and in working with others).

It doesn't have to be extreme restriction to completely interfere with any progress anywhere. Just the thoughts of the shame, guilt, food ideas/pressures etc can do it.

There are ways to get to a place without all the food rules and experience freedom in food and body. I and many others have got there! You can get there as well just need to have the right approach and it happens relatively quick!

You're welcome to PM me as well if you have any other questions. It's not a fun place to be at all. Hugs and more hugs! And lots of Hatzlacha!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 4:31 pm

PrairieFairy wrote:

Wow so much food for thought (no pun intended). I'm writing these ideas down, this has been comprehensive and so helpful.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 4:39 pm

PrairieFairy wrote:

OA is based on the idea that we have a disease and therefore need to be abstinent. What is the abstinance for anorexia? What kind of sponsor would I find? I actually liked the 12 steps but the constant program work, phone calls, sponsor contact, meetings, it was so much, it felt obsessive. I felt like I replaced one obsession with another. I yearn for food neutrality, not a system where I have to be so immersed in recovery to be able to eat normally. When I voiced this in the rooms I was told that I was there because I am not normal and because I had a disease.

↑ PrairieFairy

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 5:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Glad this is helpful for you! These are great questions! Been there!

First, you can use 12 Steps in all areas of your life. Yes, it can become its own version of obsession and addiction. You need to be honest with yourself and trust your intuition. But the core of all 12 Steps is basic human needs not being met and it comes out through whatever "vice" in OA, it's food. It's just a window into yourself. You need to be abstinent from thinking you're a piece of garbage, not worthy, unlovable, and not enough. That's the core across the board. Easier to start from the topical coping mechanism, ie; following a food plan.

You will determine abstinence with your sponsor based on your specific Step 1. Typically it starts with no purging and/or following your food plan. If you're not purging, it will probably no restricting and/or following a food plan.

Only go to the AB (anorexia bulimia) or body image meetings at first. You can take what you like and leave the rest from the other OA meetings but it's too confusing and can hinder recovery.

If you're in those meetings, you ask for a sponsor in those rooms. Typically, they tell you to get a food plan from a dietitian. They should NOT make your plan for you. Go to someone for a food plan that is informed enough on both nutrition/dietetics AND eating disorders. You need a food plan that has ALL food groups in it.

When I work with people (in the nutrition world), I give them a food plan based on ADA exchanges. Ask for that. Learn the ADA exchange system so all foods fit. Understand how ALL foods fit. Cake, cookies, donuts, ice cream, white flour, sugar, soda etc. It has to ALL fit.

The only food NOT to fit is specifically diet food (ie; eating low fat ice cream that you think is yucky instead of regular ice cream in measurements of the food plan because you're afraid regular ice cream will make you fat. This falls under "restriction" if this is the dialogue. The "diet" food approach will reinforce old ideas and will take longer to get to a good place so best to check in around those).

If something doesn't align with you, that's your intuition. Listen to it. It can be fear so need to be honest about it. Find someone you can share it with that "gets it". If someone does not "get it", their recovery is great for them but not for you. Ask someone else. Try a different meeting. Take what you like and leave the rest but get through the stepwork. You need the stepwork to not need the meetings. Have that be your focus. You need to know how to do a comprehensive step 0-12 (or 4-9) to be "self-sufficient".

If it doesn't make sense to you, find someone else to explain it to you differently. people do it differently. Research. Have the internet teach it to you. Heck, I can teach it to you in a couple days. However, the meetings are a great resource for feeling supported, normal, reinforced in healing etc but the steps are a method of self-development. Focus on them. Choose stepwork over another meeting.