Is it possible to give love if you never received love?

amother

OP ↓

Sat, Jul 20 2024, 11:34 pm

Never felt I'm missing anything, but don't have it naturally in me to give emotional connection and love to my kids. Is awareness enough? Can one give real love without ever being loved?

amother

Slategray ↓

Sat, Jul 20 2024, 11:37 pm

Oh yes 100%

I spent my whole childhood dreaming od what parental love should feel like, so I know what to gove, even if my fantasies were an exaggeration of reality.

I had bad parent, and I think I'm a good parent. Mine were super anxjous, super critical, and helicopters. I'm the opposite which comes naturally to me, because overt anxiety, criticism and controllingness makes me automatically cringe so I can easily avoid it.

amother

↑ Slategray

Sat, Jul 20 2024, 11:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

Never felt I'm missing anything, but don't have it naturally in me to give emotional connection and love to my kids. Is awareness enough? Can one give real love without ever being loved?

You don't have to be sappy.

*Say "I love you" and give genuine compliments.

*Occasionally buy them a gift just because "I thought you would like this"

*Be happy (or at least act like it) when something good happens to them, whether it is because of good luck or hard work. Be sad (or act sorry anyway) when something bad happens to them, whether or not you feel they deserved it.

*Occasionally fuss over them like making their favorite foods when they are sick, warming up blankets in the dryer for them when they are cold, etc

amother

Dill

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 12:23 am

I am not a naturally warm person, but I felt like the hormones from nursing helped, and it spilled over to the others too. (If you can't, don't feel bad, but it can be a reason to try harder)

Of course parenting books & courses can also be helpful.

amother

Offwhite

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 7:23 am

If you experienced childhood emotional neglect, you will have a harder time emotionally connecting with your own children. Awareness is a huge first step, but you'll probably need to do some more work on this, too. There are a couple books out there in this topic; Running On Empty is one of them.
Hugs, I too suffer from this. It can be subtle, so good for you for recognizing it!

Cheiny

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 7:28 am

amother Offwhite wrote:

Your first sentence isn’t true across the board. Some people will repeat what was done to them in their childhoods, but others will be conscious enough and intent on giving their kids what they never got as they do not want to continue the cycle of neglect or emotional abuse.

Therapy is crucial to work through the pains emanating from the childhood, and awareness and a desire to not repeat those mistakes will bring success in fostering a loving relationship and breaking the cycle of the past.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 8:17 am

Cheiny wrote:

There is no pain or bad memories in regards to my childhood. I just slowly realized as my kids were born and growing that I'm not giving them emotionally what most moms give naturally. And even with the realization, I wonder if I'm giving them real love and enough, like what is love really all about? Can I be giving it right if I've never got it

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 8:19 am

amother Offwhite wrote:

the books you recommend like running on empty, is that just for awareness or practically how to give what you've never got?

amother

Daffodil

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 8:21 am

amother Offwhite wrote:

This is not true. I grew up completely neglecting and very emotionally abused and I am an incredibly loving mom.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 8:21 am

amother Orchid wrote:

I’m not sure how you define love. ❤️

it might be hard for you to explain, but for me I literally don't know what it's all about for real. Never felt loved by anyone or towards anyone.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 8:24 am

amother Slategray wrote:

thanks. I appreciate your practical advice.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 9:06 am

My parents both grew up with minimal love themselves. One lost a parent as a young teen and the other had super controlling parents although they do love their children but the dynamics are not healthy.

They themselves are the most loving and caring parents on the planet. They are a prime example of how you can really give your children all the love that they didn't get.