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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
amother
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 Thu, Jul 18 2024, 1:57 pm
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Please buy her the sneakers OP. The other "shabbosy" sneakers that people are posting are not for her demographic. But her the ones she wants and atop fighting with her.
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amother
Azalea
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 2:04 pm
I really like that but I’m 52 years old. My teens probably won’t approve.
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amother
DarkGray
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 2:07 pm
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amother
Maize
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 2:13 pm
I am 35, and I use sneakers for Shabbos. I used them for my own wedding. I cannot stand being "pretty" and uncomfortable, at least not in my feet. When I was a teen, I felt pressure to use so called "normal shabbos shoes" and I was always waiting to come home to take them off. It doesn't make any sense.
You can find something glittering, or gold with white, or nice flat black boots (for winter), and make her happy and peaceful.
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 2:34 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Bare legs, stockings, or black leggings with their white socks and white sneakers? |
Definitely not black leggings.
Bare legs (typically the skirts are midi or longer so its hard to tell but I guess some may be wearing it with stockings. But most are bare I think)
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 2:39 pm
| amother Jean wrote: | Definitely not black leggings.
Bare legs (typically the skirts are midi or longer so its hard to tell but I guess some may be wearing it with stockings. But most are bare I think) |
That's what I thought.
We cover our legs and I doubt socks over stockings would go over well.
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 3:18 pm
| amother OP wrote: | That's what I thought.
We cover our legs and I doubt socks over stockings would go over well. |
What exactly is the style that your daughter wants to wear? Leggings/ stockings?
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pause
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 4:44 pm
I was going to suggest something like this too, but the way OP describes her DD, it won't go because it's not the look she's going for.
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 4:58 pm
| amother Jean wrote: | | What exactly is the style that your daughter wants to wear? Leggings/ stockings? |
Black leggings, white socks, white sneakers.
With a light colored outfit- it looks odd.
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 5:39 pm
I wear black sneakers on shabbat with thin black socks or knee highs.
Having her suffer for the sake of how other people think shabbos should look is not going to do any favors for how she feels about religion. If she wants to have sneakers for shabbos, she won't go to gehinnom for it, there is no aveirah. Let her feel good about shabbos and about herself on shabbos.
THe point of having something special for shabbos is to have something separate just for shabbos (to separate between kodesh and chol). Nowehre does it say it has to be leather or have a high heel or a point toe or no laces. Let her pick out a pair of respectable sneakers which she wears on shabbos and shabbos only. Separate shabbos sneakers. We did this for my dd, she had regular sneakers for during the week and then colorful ones just for shabbos. She was happy and who cares what anyone else thinks. She loves shabbos and now she has dedicated actual shabbos shoes that she requested herself because I didn't make a big deal out of it.
I also tell my kids that we wear special things on shabbos to honor shabbos and not to honor ourselves. The shape of the shoe doesn't specifiy how honorable it is. If she [icks out sneakers just for shabbos that she thinks look respectable and they make her comfortable on shabbos and that makes her able to enjoy and carry out shabbos better, that honors shabbos. And certainly much more than wearing heals to fit in with other people.
Focus on your daughter's emotional and spiritual and physical well being on shabbos, and that is based on her, and she will be much better off in the long run in terms of her relationship with shabbos, religion, and you.
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 8:57 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Black leggings, white socks, white sneakers.
With a light colored outfit- it looks odd. |
Oh.
That doesnt sound like shes trying to fit in...unless the other girls are wearing that as well??
Or, maybe the other girls are wearing short socks and white sneakers, and this is her desperate way to at least fit in part-way?
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 9:11 pm
I'll be the voice of dissent... if she already has white sneakers for weekday, I wouldn't spend $$ to buy another pair for Shabbos. Let her wear the same ones for both if that's what she wants.
Unless the difference in look is really significant between them
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 9:17 pm
| amother OP wrote: | That's what I thought.
We cover our legs and I doubt socks over stockings would go over well. |
Mine wears light clothes with either black tights or stockings, white short socks and white sneakers or birkenstocks (durring winter black tights only, summer black tights all week, stockings shabbos, both with the short white socks).
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 9:35 pm
| amother Jean wrote: | Oh.
That doesnt sound like shes trying to fit in...unless the other girls are wearing that as well??
Or, maybe the other girls are wearing short socks and white sneakers, and this is her desperate way to at least fit in part-way? |
Her friends wear proper stockings and dress shabbos shoes. They are good friends, they suggested she look for footless nude stockings.
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 9:49 pm
| amother Lavender wrote: | I wear black sneakers on shabbat with thin black socks or knee highs.
Having her suffer for the sake of how other people think shabbos should look is not going to do any favors for how she feels about religion. If she wants to have sneakers for shabbos, she won't go to gehinnom for it, there is no aveirah. Let her feel good about shabbos and about herself on shabbos.
THe point of having something special for shabbos is to have something separate just for shabbos (to separate between kodesh and chol). Nowehre does it say it has to be leather or have a high heel or a point toe or no laces. Let her pick out a pair of respectable sneakers which she wears on shabbos and shabbos only. Separate shabbos sneakers. We did this for my dd, she had regular sneakers for during the week and then colorful ones just for shabbos. She was happy and who cares what anyone else thinks. She loves shabbos and now she has dedicated actual shabbos shoes that she requested herself because I didn't make a big deal out of it.
I also tell my kids that we wear special things on shabbos to honor shabbos and not to honor ourselves. The shape of the shoe doesn't specifiy how honorable it is. If she [icks out sneakers just for shabbos that she thinks look respectable and they make her comfortable on shabbos and that makes her able to enjoy and carry out shabbos better, that honors shabbos. And certainly much more than wearing heals to fit in with other people.
Focus on your daughter's emotional and spiritual and physical well being on shabbos, and that is based on her, and she will be much better off in the long run in terms of her relationship with shabbos, religion, and you. |
I agree with mostly everything you said except one lesson I would like to teach my children is that fashion does not affect the way we keep Torah and mitzvos. It should not affect tznius and certainly not Shabbos. I know I'm a minority in this.
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Odelyah
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 9:52 pm
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Does she have other friends besides these friends OP? or another crowd she's trying to be part of? curious why she wants this look if it's not what her friends are wearing. Personally, with my teens I wouldn't get so involved with those kinds of style choices (but FTR that doesn't mean I pay for everything they ask for) but I'd want insight into what's going with them socially and spiritually.
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Odelyah
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 10:12 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I agree with mostly everything you said except one lesson I would like to teach my children is that fashion does not affect the way we keep Torah and mitzvos. It should not affect tznius and certainly not Shabbos. I know I'm a minority in this. |
She knows you feel this way, and IMO you can demonstrate your values with your own positive, loving and low pressure example of this, but that's it. She is not you, and forcing this value on her in the short term in which you may have the ability to do that, will not create that value in her and can cause more serious damage ch"v --to your relationship--than this battle is worth. You have already told her how you feel, I really wouldn't mention it again unless she brings it up.
She, like most teens, sounds insecure about who she is and who she wants to be. She needs you to be her rock, her cheerleader, while gets her footing and figures herself out. She needs to feel she can talk to you about anything, really anything, and you will remain calm and unruffled and open and encouraging. Forgive me for saying this, because you are obviously such a caring mother, but if she sees you get worked up about something as relatively insignificant as sneakers, she will feel like you don't "get her" and will be unlikely to feel she can talk to you about the really important things.
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 10:18 pm
| Odelyah wrote: | | Does she have other friends besides these friends OP? or another crowd she's trying to be part of? curious why she wants this look if it's not what her friends are wearing. Personally, with my teens I wouldn't get so involved with those kinds of style choices (but FTR that doesn't mean I pay for everything they ask for) but I'd want insight into what's going with them socially and spiritually. |
She really doesn't. She has a great group of friends, about 6-7 girls. She's usually slow to follow new fashion fads so I'm hoping maybe by Tishrei she'll come around.
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Odelyah
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 10:31 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | She really doesn't. She has a great group of friends, about 6-7 girls. She's usually slow to follow new fashion fads so I'm hoping maybe by Tishrei she'll come around. |
So where do you think she is getting it from then? And why do you think she wants it so badly? I don't understand what you mean by the bolded. Didn't you say she's been asking for the shabbos sneakers for months? Is the comfort really a significant thing, like she really only likes boots or sneakers? Is she more sensory and/or on the spectrum? I would really want to understand why they're so important to her, and focus on that. And show her that if something (mutar) is really important to her, then it's really important to you, because she (her own unique growing up self who is a separate human from you) is really important to you.
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amother
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Thu, Jul 18 2024, 10:44 pm
| Odelyah wrote: | She knows you feel this way, and IMO you can demonstrate your values with your own positive, loving and low pressure example of this, but that's it. She is not you, and forcing this value on her in the short term in which you may have the ability to do that, will not create that value in her and can cause more serious damage ch"v --to your relationship--than this battle is worth. You have already told her how you feel, I really wouldn't mention it again unless she brings it up.
She, like most teens, sounds insecure about who she is and who she wants to be. She needs you to be her rock, her cheerleader, while gets her footing and figures herself out. She needs to feel she can talk to you about anything, really anything, and you will remain calm and unruffled and open and encouraging. Forgive me for saying this, because you are obviously such a caring mother, but if she sees you get worked up about something as relatively insignificant as sneakers, she will feel like you don't "get her" and will be unlikely to feel she can talk to you about the really important things. |
Thanks. I appreciate your wise words. I'm trying to keep the right balance and it's not easy to know what that is.
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