Shabbos sneakers? | Imamother

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 18 2024, 8:22 pm

Odelyah wrote:

So where do you think she is getting it from then? And why do you think she wants it so badly? I don't understand what you mean by the bolded. Didn't you say she's been asking for the shabbos sneakers for months? Is the comfort really a significant thing, like she really only likes boots or sneakers? Is she more sensory and/or on the spectrum? I would really want to understand why they're so important to her, and focus on that. And show her that if something (mutar) is really important to her, then it's really important to you, because she (her own unique growing up self who is a separate human from you) is really important to you.

She does have some sensory issues which have never been a big deal. I understand wanting to be comfortable and I remember not like stockings much either at that age.
Yes she's been asking for months, I'm hoping that another little while (tishrei) she'll get more used to the idea of stockings and dress shoes. She went shopping without me to the tights store and they helped her buy a pair of stockings that would be good for her. She refuses to wear them and says they're gross and uncomfortable but I'm hoping it's a step in the right direction. If not, not. I would rather her be in shul on Rosh Hashana in sneakers than at home shoeless.

Debbie ↓

Thu, Jul 18 2024, 10:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

And the kallah herself too

OP My daughter wore sneakers on her wedding day; she was going to be on her feet dancing for most of the evening and sneakers were the most comfortable and practical option; besides no one could see them under her long gown.
I wore nice dressy shoes at my own wedding and my feet hurt so much with all the dancing, that in hindsight I wish I had done the same.

amother

Mulberry ↓

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 1:28 am

amother OP wrote:

Black leggings, white socks, white sneakers.
With a light colored outfit- it looks odd.

Honestly, you sound way too controlling over what your teen daughter is wearing.
Why is this your business to "let" or "not let" her wear something. you had 15 years to give over your hashkafa... did you?
You can still let her know that you disapprove.
But not allow her to wear that????
Are you going to have her run by her maternity clothing by you as well?? Her kids uniforms??

amother

↑ Mulberry ↓

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 1:31 am

I'll add

This is not going to make any changes in her hashkafa or life long term if she wears this.

The only possible reason I can find for you being so unreasonable is that it's a kavod thing. YOU are going to be embarrassed of how she looks because it will reflect on YOU.
I know an incredible Rebbetzin who used to walk outside with her son in a bright red sweatshirt and cool hairdo and proudly tell all her students that he was her son. THAT is the right attitude.
OP, please change yours before it's too late and you lose your daughter...

amother

↑ Opal

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 3:49 am

amother Mulberry wrote:

Wow thats really harsh she doesnt sound controlling at all to me. I do think she shouldnt fight this battle but your idea that we stop parenting a 15 year old is ludicrous. Shes still a kid she needs parental guidance how could u compare that to an adult who wears maternity clothes?!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 4:11 am

amother Mulberry wrote:

This is so out of left field, you must have missed or misunderstood my posts.
She doesn't run her clothing by me, I buy her what she needs and most of what she wants.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 4:13 am

amother Mulberry wrote:

I explained my reasoning a few times. Please take your psychoanalysis elsewhere.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 4:16 am

Debbie wrote:

Totally understandable. Many kallahs wear white sneakers, they're practically invisible anyway. Comfort, health reasons, is not the same as following a fashion trend.

amother

↑ Mulberry

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 4:18 am

amother OP wrote:

This is so out of left field, you must have missed or misunderstood my posts.
She doesn't run her clothing by me, I buy her what she needs and most of what she wants.

Definitely not out of left field. There is no tznius issue with buying her black leggings and white socks and yet you are not doing it. You said it's been months...

amother

↑ Lavender

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 4:20 am

amother OP wrote:

I agree with mostly everything you said except one lesson I would like to teach my children is that fashion does not affect the way we keep Torah and mitzvos. It should not affect tznius and certainly not Shabbos. I know I'm a minority in this.

I agree with you on this. That's the reason I think that sneakers are fine - wearing high heeled shoes because that's what everyone else does is a fashion issue and not a Torah/mitzvos issue. I feel I may have missed something. How does wanting to wear sneakers fit in as a fashion issue?

And it sounds like she isn't doing it because of fashion or because her friends are or because it is cool. It sounds like she wants this for comfort and not fashion. How do you feel that her wanting to wear sneakers is a fashion decision?

amother

Ruby

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 4:40 am

I'm not really understanding why you don't let her wear it. Buying nice sneakers specifically for shabbos IS showing kavod to shabbos. Let her figure out her style.
Of course her mind will change, she is a teenager. But if you let her have the sneakers, her mind will eventually change, stop wearing the sneakers, and then she won't feel resentful of you or like you are trying to control her.
You both will get what you want in the end, but let her come to the conclusion on her own.

↑ Debbie

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 4:42 am

amother OP wrote:

Totally understandable. Many kallahs wear white sneakers, they're practically invisible anyway. Comfort, health reasons, is not the same as following a fashion trend.

OP I live in Tzfat and seeing people wearing Shabbos clothes and sneakers is very common, and to be honest it did take some getting used to seeing it; especially when my husband started doing it!
However I do understand that they are the most practical footwear for a very hilly place like Tzfat.
In my opinion (be it ever so humble) as long as she's keeping halacha, that's the most important thing.
Fashion trends come and go, and possibly in a few months the trend will be chunky heels, or flats.
Nobody ever said that parenting teens was easy...or cheap.
I hope you and she come to a happy compromise.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 5:16 am

amother Mulberry wrote:

Definitely not out of left field. There is no tznius issue with buying her black leggings and white socks and yet you are not doing it. You said it's been months...

Please read my first post.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 5:21 am

amother Lavender wrote:

It's both, that's why it's a tricky issue and I haven't been able to decide either way yet.

There are so many other types of shoes besides heels and sneakers. I think it's reasonable to try those and not be stuck on plain white platform sneakers.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 5:27 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

Get her a long flowy skirt that will look better with white sneakers than stockings or leggings on shabbos.

This is a really good idea except she only wears knee length skirts. I'm also waiting for her to decide that the long skirts in style now can also look good.

↑ PinkFridge

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 1:13 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

Definitely not out of left field. There is no tznius issue with buying her black leggings and white socks and yet you are not doing it. You said it's been months...

There are other issues. Some I might not be aware of. One I can think of, that may or may not be relevant to OP, is that changing styles of dress might signal changing hashkafos and peer groups. Not that one is better than the other but they might be different, depending on community. It's not so simple.