I hate when people 'compliment' me

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Jul 09 2024, 11:54 pm

I'm sure there's a word for it. It's not coming to me. But I HATE when people tell me in this condescending way " I just dont' know how you do it! Your DH is never home, you work all day plus do all the carpools and you make fresh supper every night and your house is usually so clean, your a superwoman" and all the other similar comments. It just makes me even more resentful of how hard I work and DH barely pulling his share. Obviously no one saying this knows this about DH but why do they even say this. I hate it! it makes me feel very bad!!

Cheiny ↓

Tue, Jul 09 2024, 11:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

Backhanded compliment?

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:01 am

I have even worse I get told how wonderful he is and he does so much. And I’m sooo lucky. When all he does is a thing or two in public once a month and they think he’s the most helpful person on this planet. He doesn’t help at home at all.

↑ Cheiny

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:03 am

amother OP wrote:

Maybe?
what is the purpose of people talking this way? I barely complain and its coming from different random people. Its really annoying!

Try to remember it usually comes from jealousy or low self esteem on their part.

amother

Scarlet ↓

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:12 am

I don't think it's a backhanded compliment. People are truly impressed by your abilities. I get why it bother you though, because it brings the fact that you do all this on your own into stark relief.

amother

Clover

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:30 am

I think people are truly impressed with you!
I had a coworker who would wake up at 5am every day so she could make fresh roti (like a pita bread) for her family, so they could have fresh bread in the morning. She had 3 kids, husband and granddaughter to take care of. Besides her regular job, she worked weekends at the family store so she could save up for down payments for future apartments for her kids. She was always pleasant and nice and everyone really thought she was wonder woman!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:40 am

amother Scarlet wrote:

in that case, how I wish dh would be impressed with me. he takes it all so for granted and barely cuts me any slack. (even though that was totally not the point of this thread:)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:42 am

tichellady wrote:

What is back handed about it? It sounds like a real compliment to me unless I’m missing something

I dont' think its backhanded but I don't get the point. this is my life. I can't change it. I'm so glad they all figured out a way not to have to work so many hours and still pay their bills.
so glad they are impressed with me. But doesn't make my life easier. never asked for their comments.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:43 am

Cheiny wrote:

Try to remember it usually comes from jealousy or low self esteem on their part.

thanks. it makes sense. the one person who constantly tells me this that irks me the most, I'm noticing that it probably stems from this.

amother

DarkGray ↓

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:46 am

amother OP wrote:

Because if I had your circumstances I’d be doing much less. I’d drop the balls. So I’m impressed. Good for you. (And you’re probably giving off not-stressed vibes somehow bec people wouldn’t say it to someone who seems like she’s at the end of her rope)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:49 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

definitely get very resentful sometimes and it causes me lots of anxiety. but reading your post made me smile

amother

↑ Scarlet

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:52 am

amother OP wrote:

in that case, how I wish dh would be impressed with me. he takes it all so for granted and barely cuts me any slack. (even though that was totally not the point of this thread:)

I think this is exactly why it bothers you so much. You are so resentful of this. The person that needs to appreciate you the most seems to take you for granted so that when others express their admiration you perceive it as fake and condescending.

FWIW, I don't think you're DH is so unusual. Unfortunately many men take their wives and all that they do for granted.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:57 am

amother Scarlet wrote:

good point Sad

singleagain

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 7:09 am

I think part of it is also that you're doing what you need for survival and you usually don't compliment a person on surviving you compliment a person on doing more than and the problem is is that you don't think you're doing more then, but your coworker obviously is thinking that. But that's because again the coworker doesn't know everything from behind the scenes.

Remember back in school when you would study really hard for a test and your friend would barley study and you would both get the same grade. I think it's like that here. Maybe this person thinks that you're barely studying and still doing amazing work, but she doesn't realize that you're putting in so much effort and not getting the grade you want.

amother

Maize

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 7:26 am

My DH travels a lot for work and I get this 'compliment' all the time. I don't know how you do it!
It bothers me because I am resentful and I don't have a choice about this and it's very very hard on me. I don't think I'm amazing for doing this, gosh I wish I didn't have to. Id rather not do it and not be "amazing".
It feels different to let's say something else hard that I choose to do and get complimented on.

I don't think it's because other people are insecure and jealous, I think my reaction is because I'm resentful.

amother

↑ DarkGray

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 7:29 am

I’m a sahm who doesn’t like to be a sahm (why I am is a different story) and I have friends who say “I don’t know how you do it” and I don’t like it.
We actually just had a thread of someone who thought it was mean or insensitive or whatever to say this lol

mummiedearest

Wed, Jul 10 2024, 8:27 am

It’s not backhanded. It’s meant as a compliment. The issue is that it’s a touchy subject for you. You’re not happy that you feel obligated to perform to this degree.

How about this translation of what they’re saying:

I want to tell you how impressed I am by the way you manage things. I see that you have difficult circumstances.

Is that better? I find the use of words like “super mom” make me feel like I’m on a pedestal- there are expectations and distance that go with that. Whoever is saying it likely would love to get closer but feels you are out of her league. It may help if you respond with, “Thank you, it is really hard.” It’s not a complaint and may help you build a support system you didn’t know you can have.

amother

Cappuccino

Sat, Jul 13 2024, 11:17 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

I’d take that a step further. “You have difficult circumstances and you’re still adulting well.”

For a different perspective, I actually appreciate it when people tell me that. I feel like I fail at a lot of life (my house is usually a mess, I’m not a great cook) and when people say it, it reminds me that this is an area where I’m actually succeeding (running my house, bedtime, etc without any help.) It validates my feeling that my circumstances are different than those around me.