Cost to join bridal shower

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:48 am

An acquaintance sent me an invitation to a bridal shower. On it it said “suggestion contribution $25. “. Is that normal? Haven’t been to any bridal showers but it feels weird being invited but being asked to pay. Also do I have to bring a big gift on top of the fee? Is that the point of the shower- that everyone brings household gifts?

amother

Salmon

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:54 am

The suggested contribution is for a group gift. It's a big favor when they have a group gift. The organizers will check with the bride to find out what she actually wants. You don't have to worry that you'll be giving her the 10th challah cover or flower vase.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:57 am

amother Salmon wrote:

so I don’t have to buy a separate gift? But I still have to give a wedding gift if we go to the wedding?

amother

DarkRed

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:03 am

IME the close friends throw the party and everyone else brings gifts. I wouldn’t want to pay for the party , bring a gift to the party and then buy a wedding gift . But in this case that seems to be the expectation

groovy1224

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:07 am

amother Salmon wrote:

I wouldn't be so sure, usually if that's the case they would specify.

Like if the invitation also has a link to the bride's registry, clearly the $25 doesn't include a gift. Sounds like they are looking for everyone to share the cost of the food and the expenses of the actual shower.

Odelyah ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:10 am

I would simply clarify by asking your acquaintance who invited you. "Thanks so much for including me! I don't have a lot of bridal shower experience; is the 25 towards gifts, meaning instead of bringing a gift myself? Or is that in addition to bringing my own gift?"

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:12 am

Odelyah wrote:

and then if I bring a gift do I give another for the wedding?

watergirl ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:23 am

From how you worded it, it sounded to me that they are trying to share the cost of the shower, not asking for a contribution to a group gift. The point of a shower is that everyone buys something from the registry, and the registry links or locations are included in the invitation.

Throwing a shower, sheva brachos, etc. is expensive! But it's tacky to ask guests to split it.

OP, you should ask the host of the shower to clarify what the $25 is for. Maybe it IS a group gift, maybe it's them trying to share the cost of hosting. You really should just ask at the very least so you would know if you need to buy a separate gift or not.

↑ Odelyah ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:26 am

amother OP wrote:

and then if I bring a gift do I give another for the wedding?

I think that's a separate question that is not for the shower hosts to answer. no one has to bring a wedding gift. but I definitely had relatives who gave both an engagement gift and a wedding gift. if were planning to give a gift with x budget you could give a smaller wedding gift than you planned originally.

↑ watergirl

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:29 am

Odelyah wrote:

If one is not going to bring a gift, they should not go to the shower. A bridal shower is not so much a party as it is a "gift grab", for lack of better term. This is in addition to the wedding gift. At a wedding, a guest is invited to share in the special day. At a shower, the invitation is for the purpose of bringing a gift. Sit it out if you are not planning on bringing anything, or sending anything (which you should tell the host and bride). You are there to bring a gift, not to share in the occasion.

amother

Azure

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:31 am

In the not Frum world this is commonly done
It’s to contribute to the cost of the shower unless it is specified that it’s for the gift.
If that’s the case, yes you need to bring a gift, usually from a register.
You still need to bring a gift for the wedding, which in my circle that means a check, at least $101, but now a days more common to see $180 and up.

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:39 am

In my circles showers are typically pretty small and all the friends are asked to contribute. Otherwise the cost keeps falling on the same 1-2 friends who are the organizing type. We don’t ask relatives who are attending to contribute.

amother

Marigold

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:50 am

bridal shower are usually pitch in kind of event everyone does or brings something like the brides close friends but if mom is doimg it surprised then not so weird to ask for 25$ easier for her than arranging who does what....

amother

Raspberry

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 9:08 am

amother OP wrote:

and then if I bring a gift do I give another for the wedding?

In general you give both gifts.

My experience with bridal showers are that presents tend to be less expensive and more specifically for the bride versus traditional wedding type gifts which are often household items.

amother

Blueberry

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:25 am

amother OP wrote:

this was normal back in the 90s when I went to bridal showers. given inflation I’d say that’s a great deal! that $25 went toward a big gift and we all brought something small (under $10)

amother

Butterscotch

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:34 am

In my experience with bridal showers, it sounds like the $25 is to help pitch in for the bridal shower costs. The price sounds reasonable although it depends on how many people they invited. Bridal showers really depend on your circles so I would ask for clarification.

With my friends, we each brought a small gift but it was capped at $10. We usually bought the smaller, cheaper kitchen items that hadn’t been bought yet. All friends chipped in for an engagement gift, wedding gift was usually done each friend separately or, for those who were a bit tight, 2-3 friends chipping in together. Some friends didn’t give at all because they considered the engagement gift the only gift. Which is fine.

People are fussy when it comes to presents. Rather feel a bit stupid and ask for clarification than accidentally do something that turns out to be highly offensive. Your friend may be awesome but almost every bride has a bridezilla moment and you don’t want to be on the receiving end of hers

↑ Odelyah ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 11:05 am

watergirl wrote:

yes this is what I meant, if I was unclear. The whole point of a shower is to shower with gifts. The point of the wedding is to share the simcha, be misameach chosson v'kallah. OP was asking if she has to also bring a wedding gift if she participates in the shower.

↑ Odelyah

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 11:09 am

amother OP wrote:

The mother is making the shower which is why this whole thing feels weird. The bride didn’t even want one. Her mother is making it a surprise…

So if it's the mother, I would assume it's in lieu of bringing your own gift rather than pitching in for cost of party + bring your own gift. But I still think you should just ask her!

Happydance

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 1:12 pm

I’m not sure the background of this bridal
Shower or of the people responding, but none of the information given seems to pertain to current bais yaakov type kallahs.

From my experience, close friends through a shower and collect money for a nice helpful gift, sometimes other small gifts are also given at the shower. Those friends who attend the shower don’t give a separate wedding gift.

Maybe we should make a poll?
Did anyone here give $180 checks to friends at their weddings after giving a shower gift/ contribution?