Bringing in more money than husband

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:49 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

He takes a side job, Loan, Tzedakah, Try ask a pay raise. etc...

Ask him if he needs more ideas or if he can think of more maybe?

In one word. The same as all of the thousands of men who don't have the privilege of a working wife.

As I specified before they divorced their wives if they couldn’t support and supported kids until the age of 7. Should we go back to that too?

amother

Valerian

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 12:14 am

Married 20 years and I'm the sole breadwinner. I always wish that my husband would earn a respectable living so I can stop working and worrying about the financials.
My husband stopped working when covid hit. He never earned much to begin with. He's the most complacent happy guy, without a care in the world.

ittsamother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 12:20 am

amother Valerian wrote:

How does he spend his time, out of curiosity?

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 8:33 am

ittsamother wrote:

For the world at large in 2024 with finances the way they are, this isn't a concept, that a working wife is a privilege. A stay-at-home mother is the privilege. If you chose to rack these bills up together, you don't get to stay at home and chill unless that's really what works best for both of you, in which case your husband is 100% on board with it. Otherwise, you pull your weight and help support this family. You don't make your husband have a heart attack at his kid's wedding cuz he has no idea how he's gonna pay for it all. You take every side job you can take to make sure the two of you and your family survives.

Once again, Helping him out whenever you can? Yes! Absolutely! Taking the financial stress on you or partially on you? Nop!

You can try to change it by doing what you want to do or by crying about economic hardships. The fact that he needs to food the bills by the end of the day will not change.

Whatever stress we took upon ourselves, don't complain about it.

amother

Molasses

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 8:44 am

amother Cherry wrote:

I once heard a man (of course!) say that the reason there's epidurals now is because women took on Adam's curse of working to support the family, so Hashem took away Chava's curse of painful childbirth to balance it out. LOL

To balance it out men have to step up and take on responsibilities at home.

amother

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 8:59 am

ittsamother wrote:

Yes so instead my husband stresses out because he knows the buck stops with him and end of the day, if we both lose our job, the whole family will be turning to him for the money we need to live.

Of COURSE I would never just sit by and watch him struggle alone! But I'm just saying, he feels a certain level of stress that I don't feel because he knows that ultimately it's his chiyuv to bring in the income.

It can be his responsibility but at the end of the day if you don’t have money
You are both suffering! You won’t have money to pay rent or buy food
So I just never understand when people say well at the end of the day it’s on the guy..
Ok but what’s if he can’t fill his responsibilities? Then yes the stress comes on to me!

Mommyg8

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:03 am

amother DarkYellow wrote:

I have a hard time with this. Why did we women get a double curse (Chava's and Adam's) while the men only Adams (parnasa)

I would like to point out that up until 100 years ago or so, most women worked very, very hard inside the home. Think spinning your own threads, making cloth, sewing clothes, cooking from scratch, washing clothes without running water or real soap, etc etc etc. It was only the wealthy women who were able to afford servants that were spared. And what about the cook,and the parlor maid, and the scullery maid... they all actually "worked" and worked really hard. For a lot less pay than us...

So I think that it's a myth that women didn't use to work, they sure did.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:07 am

amother OP wrote:

That still doesn't make it a universal women's requirement.

That is a struggle like any other struggle some families are dealing with.

If you make it a new 2024 chore for us, then don't be shocked when one day they will demand that from us; what will you say then? Will you also feel that he is right to demand it becouse it's on both?

If you refuse, he will show you your posts on Ima where you so well explained why it is indeed.

Aurora

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:08 am

In 19th century Europe, Jewish women were considered "unfeminine" because they usually worked or had some kind of income. This is true for most of Jewish history. Even in the Talmud, women had the option to either choose for their husbands to support them (and give husband full rights to her salary) or keep her independence with money.

Jewish women being SAHMS with no income is very recent in Ashkenaz.

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:09 am

amother Molasses wrote:

Have you tried it both ways?

I was losing my mind from pain dilated to a 6, then got my epidural (literally don’t remember the insertion hurting at all but I guess the numbing shot probably hurt before the epidural was inserted) and didn’t feel any pain after that bH! I don’t want to think about what labor feels like when you’re past a 6.

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:15 am

amother Aconite wrote:

If I hadn’t worked to pay our bills, we would have had to divorce and go back to our parents houses for food and shelter because my husband has significant challenges in earning money. The fact that according to the kesubah it’s his responsibility doesn’t change that fact. You’re speaking like such a privileged person who doesn’t even recognize how lucky she is. Do you realize that many men are incapable emotionally or physically of earning money? And some are just lazy and will shrug their shoulders and end up in credit card debt with the lights turned off because the electricity bill wasn’t paid?

Mommyg8

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:18 am

amother Cherry wrote:

Not as a joke, but for real - I heard that as the world is coming closer to Moshiach the curse for both genders is being lightened. It's no longer back breaking/dangerous labor for the man, and epidural and other pain killers has made labor easier.

Mommyg8

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:24 am

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Really in such a case men should take a healthy dose of household and child rearing responsibilities. It’s like the curses became a bit more gender neutral. What kind of excuse is it that a guy is out at the gym three times a week when is his wife celebrates that she got to take a shower that it’s “her curse”. Genuinely? Because all I see is bad middos.

If a couple can make traditional gender roles work, than I’m truly happy for both of them. But if not, there is nothing natural about her doing what you gotta do and him saying it’s a “woman’s job”. The flip side of that is that they can’t pay rent and she doesn’t want to go to work because it’s the “man’s job”. For some odd reason that scenario is less common. Wonder why.

Yes, naturally. Of course if a woman works her husband has to shoulder his part of the housework/childcare, I don't see how this is even a question. If I were the woman in your scenario I would have quit my job yesterday.

I don't actually see either scenario as more or less common. I know plenty of women who don't work, or work very part time, and plenty of men who do their full share of housework and childcare. Bad middos does not seem to be a monopoly of either gender.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:26 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

Sorry for all that going through that pain and trauma. It's not easy at all.

But what does it change from what I said? That is not her responsibility, and she can choose any other option with the full support of the community. He will be blamed, not you.

That support would not happen if she would be required to support the family as well.

So, by the end of the game, it does make a big difference whose responsibility it is.

Yes or no?

Mommyg8

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:27 am

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

I am genuinely curious, how old are you? Because I’m 25 and this is very much not the reality.

I'm older than 25 and it's not my reality either. Many women in the frum world need to work, the cost of living for a frum family nowasays is very, very expensive. Not all men make enough to support that.

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:34 am

amother Aconite wrote:

No, the community would not pay all our bills if I decided to stop working. There’s not enough money to fully fund the families of all the disabled or lazy men out there. They would look at the able bodied woman who hasn’t had a baby in a few years because she can’t afford to, and tell her to go to work. And I agree with them, that’s why I’m working. It wouldn’t make any sense for me to stay at home producing babies we can’t pay for while my husband isn’t providing any income.

amother

Aconite

Tue, Jul 02 2024, 9:42 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

There is the housbend and Hashem. All bills should and will be paid and settled between the 2 of them. Simple.

If you leave it up to them, you will be just fine. If you try to take things into your own hands or if your Dh does not do his part, then yeah, that's an issue.

Try it and come back with positive results.

You have added some extra stress to your life. I'm not sure why or if anyone forced you to do so.

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about the ones who can help out without compromising on their regular household duties.