Bringing in more money than husband

amother

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 5:49 pm

I hear a lot of people say that at end of the day it’s on the guy to make a parnassah and support the family. But what’s if the women makes more than the husband ? And she feels the same pressure because her husband doesn’t make a lot of money..

amother

Milk

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 6:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

Feel ya.
We carry the mother mental load too!

ittsamother

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 6:45 pm

I'm not understanding the question. At the end of the day, it's the husband's role. If the woman were ever to lose her job, or need to leave to take care of the children, ultimately the job of supporting would fall fully on the husband. If it works for the wife to work, and she has a nice income, why shouldn't she do her part to bring in money as long as they're managing with that?

And while yes, like I said above, it's his role, if for some reason he's incapacitated in some way and can't bring in the money, then he needs to do what he can to enable the wife to then bring in the money, cuz ultimately, they're a partnership to manage their household (and family) together.

Resident_Owl_77

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 6:51 pm

This is my reality too. My husband and I both work BH, but I make more. And I want to be clear, he is an extremely hard-worker and all the things, this is just how it is. It's really tough when I want to have another baby and also change my role to be part-time, but it's not really financially feasible where we are right now. No advice because I'm feeling the pressure too.

amother

DarkYellow

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 6:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have a hard time with this. Why did we women get a double curse (Chava's and Adam's) while the men only Adams (parnasa)

amother

Cherry

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 7:24 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

I have a hard time with this. Why did we women get a double curse (Chava's and Adam's) while the men only Adams (parnasa)

I once heard a man (of course!) say that the reason there's epidurals now is because women took on Adam's curse of working to support the family, so Hashem took away Chava's curse of painful childbirth to balance it out. LOL

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 7:28 pm

I honestly question the legitimacy of gender roles and I strongly believe that it usually leads to resentment on either side. Or he feels like she’s not pulling her weight or she feels like he can help out more.

I believe gender roles were natural when they were the default only option, and to make it standard for everyone is harming the men AND women in the very nice natural scenario you describe.

I think the world used to be naturally more gendered. Now, if we’re not careful gender matters much less and IMO it leads to people making very extreme and rigid gender stereotypes. Plenty of women worked 300 years ago. And I’m sure plenty of men helped their wives.

amother

DarkYellow

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 7:37 pm

amother Cherry wrote:

um epidurals are painful......very...

amother

Cognac

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 7:46 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

um epidurals are painful......very...

Maybe for some but not for many. And I would think the pinch of it going in doesn't compare to hours of labor.

chestnut

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 7:50 pm

amother Cherry wrote:

Would love to know if his wife agrees

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 7:59 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

um epidurals are painful......very...

I wouldn’t call them very painful. Just painful. A joke compared to labor pains.

amother

RosePink

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:13 pm

I've always made more money than dh and don't expect this to change. So what? I'm very happy to know that come what may, I can support myself.

amother

Aconite

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:20 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

I have a hard time with this. Why did we women get a double curse (Chava's and Adam's) while the men only Adams (parnasa)

They did not. They took it themselves.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:21 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

They did not. They took it themselves.

The economy requires most families to have two incomes. It’s not a choice. Unless you consider being homeless a viable option.

synthy

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

I earn a lot bh, my husband is in kollel and tutors kids as a side job a few hours a day. Still, I firmly made up my mind that I will not worry about finances. If I lose my job c”v or whatever, ultimately it’s his role. I still get stressed out sometimes but I try not to focus on it at all.

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:27 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

The economy requires most families to have two incomes. It’s not a choice. Unless you consider being homeless a viable option.

Really in such a case men should take a healthy dose of household and child rearing responsibilities. It’s like the curses became a bit more gender neutral. What kind of excuse is it that a guy is out at the gym three times a week when is his wife celebrates that she got to take a shower that it’s “her curse”. Genuinely? Because all I see is bad middos.

If a couple can make traditional gender roles work, than I’m truly happy for both of them. But if not, there is nothing natural about her doing what you gotta do and him saying it’s a “woman’s job”. The flip side of that is that they can’t pay rent and she doesn’t want to go to work because it’s the “man’s job”. For some odd reason that scenario is less common. Wonder why.

amother

Aconite

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:32 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

The economy requires most families to have two incomes. It’s not a choice. Unless you consider being homeless a viable option.

Is it funny that I know many people where only the men work even with the scary economy you are referring to?

I'll just repeat again that no one gave it to them. They have the option to help out if it's hard or refuse to go out and still be the best wife ever!

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:39 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

I am genuinely curious, how old are you? Because I’m 25 and this is very much not the reality.