Why do I reject him and can't just love him?

realsilver

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:26 pm

If this is your speed, I would take the sod haadam course ( in addition to regular therapy like suggested above)

It is life-changing for so many mothers, in regard to being able to love and value their children for who they are.

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:33 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

You’re probably looking at complex trauma/ attachment issues. Good luck! With the right therapist, you’ll do great!

can you explain complex trauma if I don't recall any trauma? My parents are well meaning people though I prob never got affection and love from them. They prob didn't know any better. I have no negative feeling towards them maybe pity. I don't think of my childhood as trauma.

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:38 pm

realsilver wrote:

I am currently signed up but hadn't started doing the homework. Maybe because I'm the type to push off things or prob because like she herself quoted not to push yourself if you're not up to it now but take it naturally as it comes aof accept yourself where you're at.

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:44 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

does this child by any chance have asd too? I have this with my asd child. I had a really hard time connecting with him. because there is no emotional reciprocation I.e. didn't smile back, laugh, rejected hugs and snuggles ect, the natural motherly feeling was not there. I noticed this pattern in my children who were later diagnosed with asd vs my neurotypical ones. I felt soooo guilty( and still do!) about it, but once I recognized this peice it gave me perspective. it's a lot of self work!!!

prob yes to asd. Though he's a mini of his father with asd I still think lots of him is the way he is because he wasn't nurtured like most babies do. At this point in his life though, he Is seeking the love physically so obviously. And I struggle with that and feel like pushing him away... Though I force myself not to.

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 11:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am at that point too with my 5 year old. asking for sooo much physical touch- and it's hard for me to give it genuinely....hard to describe but although he asks for hugs his body is still rigid and awkward when hug, kiss, snuggle
I REALLY believe that him not being nurtured like ur other kid was a result of nature- his differences and not neglect. with asd child #2, by the time baby was 10 days old and I had a hard time connecting I knew in my heart that there wld be a dx along the road.

I am with you in this struggle!!
Thinking of taking sod haadom course too.
I tried therapy specifically for this, I did not feel like it helped me at all.

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 11:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

I was told same thing! I went to a trauma therapist bec that's what ppl reccomended although I had a great childhood and couldn't think of any traumas....and bh no trauma:) . I just have an extremely complex child.

Shopmiami49

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 12:29 am

amother OP wrote:

Do you have a close relationship with your husband with asd? Is it possible that you have unresolved feelings in that area and your ds may be triggering you because of that?

amother

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 1:12 am

Shopmiami49 wrote:

Do you have a close relationship with your husband with asd? Is it possible that you have unresolved feelings in that area and your ds may be triggering you because of that?

a close relationship with asd spouse isn't possible. I do feel like he triggers me with his asd traits too but wouldn't we all be triggered by misbehaviors if we don't deeply love our children? Isn't The reason we accept the challenges of raising kids because we dearly love them? So I'm assuming that the missing love is what's causing of to get triggered easily.

JasmineDragon

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 4:07 am

yachnabobba wrote:

You are sick. Really sick. Get help ASAP. Serious help. Your poor child. Forget sick you are bad

This is a truly unkind and unhelpful thing to say to a mother who is here asking for help changing things.

JasmineDragon

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 4:20 am

amother OP wrote:

I have a friend who deeply loves her ASD spouse. It's definitely possible. I agree that your feelings towards your husband are probably playing a role in your feelings towards your son.

Do you believe that people with ASD are inherently less lovable? Less capable of connection and of being in a relationship? A therapist could help you identify your thoughts and beliefs that are impacting how you feel about your son.

And unfortunately, no, love does not stop you from being triggered. It does help you repair after a bad moment and have an overall positive relationship.

If your parents were neglectful, including emotional neglect (which it sounds like there was), that can cause complex/developmental trauma. It's a bit of a misnomer; when you hear trauma you tend to picture dramatic abuse, but researchers are finding that neglect can have worse long term effects than abuse in some cases.

Success10

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 4:32 am

OP, you do love your son. Otherwise, you wouldn't have started this thread. You wouldn't be worrying about how you can fix the problem. So don't say you don't love him. You're triggered by him. That's something you have to dig deeper and figure out who or what he reminds you of and how to separate those things in your mind. But you do love him. Stand in front of a mirror and said every day "I love my son".

amother

Lightgreen

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 4:42 am

Many oldests are very similar to their father.
And you say you don’t like your husband that much physically.
Could it be that your oldest child reminds you of your husband and that’s why you reject him?
Either way, I agree with the posters above who say to work it out in therapy.

amother

Antiquewhite

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 4:55 am

amother Lightgreen wrote:

Many oldest are very similar to their father.
And you say you don’t like your husband that much physically.
Could it be that your oldest child reminds you of your husband and that’s why you reject him?
Either way, I agree with the posters above who say to work it out in therapy.

this. My oldest is so similar to my ex. It took me so much time and effort and pain to connect.

amother

Impatiens

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 5:16 am

I had ppd with my oldest plus he has asd.
I had a very hard time connecting to him.
I did tons of integrated work, worked on my own childhood traumas and attachment issues and craniosacral theory for both. Bh we are doing much better though he has a way to go.

ora_43

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 5:29 am

Honestly, OP? My first thought is that it sounds like you have trouble connecting to people, too. Very understandable if you never had an example from your own parents. (Even more so, if they subtlety or not-so-subtlety discouraged affection.)

You have one kid who has an instinctive sense of how to connect to people. And because you're healthier than your own parents, you're able to connect back. But it's hard for you to initiate a warm relationship with people who aren't great at initiating that connection on their end (your dh, your oldest).

Just one possibility, and I'm just putting it out there in case it resonates with you.

Anyway. As others said: therapy. There's a lot that might be going on here and there's no shortcut to figuring it all out, you need someone who can help guide you over time.

One small suggestion in the meantime: find opportunities to be the one to reach out to your son. Sometimes if someone's touch annoys you for whatever reason, it's easier to be the one initiating. And anything that's initiated by you goes a lot further toward showing him love than just passively putting up with him would.

ora_43

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 5:34 am

As for what kind of therapy, it really depends on you and what works for you. The one thing I'd warn you about is to make sure the therapist helps you set goals and you see yourself making steady progress toward those goals. Some therapists think that just figuring out the underlying problem or talking about the underlying problem is enough; good therapists will treat identifying the underlying issue as a first step in getting to a healthier place.

ora_43

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 5:41 am

amother OP wrote:

I do feel like he triggers me with his asd traits too but wouldn't we all be triggered by misbehaviors if we don't deeply love our children?

Yes, but not all to the same extent.

Misbehaviors are never fun to deal with. But if you have a deep trigger around, just for example, someone wasting money, then you're going to react much more strongly to that even from someone you love than to a different behavior that's not objectively worse or better (IDK, say, laziness).

It's like a physical injury. Let's say you have a big bruise on your arm, and it hurts. And your dh keeps bumping into it and making it worse. If one child pokes you on that arm, and the other child pokes you on the other arm, you're going to react a lot more strongly to the first kid. Even if you love them just the same.