How do you shop for teen?

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:11 am

GLUE wrote:

When my sister and I were teens my mother would buy us clothes to hang in the closet.
Not for us to wear because we did not like the clothes.
We ended up wearing them because there was nothing else to wear.

I love this. I wish it would work here.
Last week she opened a box of her old clothing to see if anything fits, and was totally surprised that everything put away was brand new with tags. The clothing was hanging in her closet but since she refused to touch it for so long, we put it away.
Most of the clothing she chose with me or she went to the store and found by herself (I paid).

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:14 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

The problem your teen is having is too many choices and she’s overwhelmed so nothing is good. I have this with one of my teens. I show her 6 of each thing black skirts, denim skirts, floral blouses…. And she can choose. If nothing is good then I give her cash and say figure it out. Go with friends. By yourself. But don’t complain to me nothing to wear.many times also someone at the store will help her find things and she generally gets what the lady suggested

She drove the woman at Junees crazy for Hours. No exaggeration. I will never do that again.

amother

Rainbow

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:16 am

amother OP wrote:

She drove the woman at Junees crazy for Hours. No exaggeration. I will never do that again.

Honestly you can’t bend into a pretzel bc she can’t make decisions. Let her go to camp with 5 tees. It’s a decision she’s making and will learn from. The fact that you’re running around and probably have a million other things to do isn’t helping her.

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:21 am

Iymnok wrote:

I won't buy myself anything unless I have a vision before I leave. So if I say I'm getting a black skirt ant weekday tops, then I will be more successful since I won't look at anything else. I look, not it? Move on.
I insist my teenage girls have a vision before I take them out. I also ask them what they expect to pay. One is an awkward size, so I will spend more since she seems to have stopped growing, and takes care of her clothes.

Shoes, we know what's available. I looked with her at the Nike website, there are 4 plain white shoes in a style shed wear. She doesn't like them. So she felt comfortable getting plain white Adidas since she knew she didn't have another choice.
Now it's her choice to wear them now or save them for school.

We are not people who care what other people are wearing but I bought her a nice pair of Adidas last summer. That's when Adidas went out and no one wore them anymore. There's a brand new pair sitting in the closet all year and she won't touch them. It's so frustrating.

amother

Pink

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:22 am

I think all the comments are off based.

There is definitely an underlying issue here.
Either she is struggling with anxiety, or body image or fitting in, etc. I know that I as an eldest daughter, also had a hard time shopping. My mom wasn’t exactly in the know for what the ‘right look’ was, and I knew what I wanted but not how to facilitate it.
Maybe she needs someone to go shopping with her. Like an aunt or friend who is skilled in personal shopping. Or maybe she needs help with body issues, or social anxiety. Sometimes girls struggle with their changing bodies. They like the clothes on the mannequins or on their friends, yet they can’t accept how it look on their body. This stage is really challenging for some teens.

I don’t think she’s trying to be difficult… there’s something challenging her. As a mom you should dig in to figure out what it is.

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:23 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

You're right. And I'm stuck between am I the worst mother that I can't dress my child or this is completely crazy.

amother

Mintgreen

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:26 am

amother OP wrote:

Sometimes she does shop by herself or with friends. She still doesn't find anything. Everything is ugly or too big or weird. We try online, I end up with a pile of returns to take care of. I just ordered $150 of clothing from udel that she chose, when it came she decided it's not good. (I can't return it, sale items. What do I do with it?) I don't have extra money to waste or all these hours for shopping.
From before pesach she has been looking for a black skirt. We finally found one today. It took 3 months to find one black skirt.

im sorry your stuck in this poisition now but obviously you should never order something online that you cant return

amother

Lemonchiffon

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:26 am

amother OP wrote:

You're right. And I'm stuck between am I the worst mother that I can't dress my child or this is completely crazy.

No, you are not stuck there. You can choose to think differently and decide to say you're a great mother who can dedicate a certain amount of time/resources to this and if more is needed your teen will figure it out.

amother

Quince

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:30 am

amother OP wrote:

I must have missed the memo. So Adidas is out, what are girls wearing now?

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:34 am

amother Pink wrote:

Possibly social anxiety but it only comes out in clothing. Like she wants the perfect look. It also has to be comfortable though, she won't wear anything too fitted or too loose or too trendy.

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:38 am

amother Mintgreen wrote:

im sorry your stuck in this poisition now but obviously you should never order something online that you cant return

She chose the clothing and I ordered them not realizing that they are sale items that can't be returned. Yes I should have taken a closer look but I wasn't that involved in the shopping at the moment, there are so many other things going on right now.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:43 am

I try to get my teen some items she wants/likes, but I tell her that she will not be able to have everything perfect. Like maybe she has 5 tees that she really likes, but I tell her to take the others along to camp as filler, for when those tees are in the laundry. So she has gotten used to accepting the fact that she will not always present whatever her idea of a perfect image is. There will be "bad tee-shirt days".
I would say send some of those "I refuse to wear" tees to camp with her. Let her decide if she's gonna manage on a shoestring, or maybe wear them when she must. You can't make everything perfect for her.
ETA I remember sometime ago, she got a pair of shoes and decided she didn't like them. They sat in her closet. She got another pair of shoes, and they accidentally got left in the hall at DD's wedding (she had taken along her wedding shoes and went home in them, and apparently the shoes got kicked under a sofa in the Kallah room so we didn't see them when we were packing up). I tried to contact the hall the very next morning (was really annoying TBH) and it seemed the cleaning crew had already cleaned out the Kallah room. We never got those shoes back. DD had no choice but to wear those shoes from her closet, and you know what? She survived the winter between that and booties....and wore those shoes out. I didn't get her another pair till recently, and the new pair was needed.
Sometimes they learn to manage....and I feel like those lost shoes were worth the lesson (or whatever you want to call it, DD just got used to accepting less than perfect....)

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:48 am

amother Lemonchiffon wrote:

No, you are not stick there. You can choose to think differently and decide to say you're a great mother who can dedicate a certain amount of time/resources to this and if more is needed your teen will figure it out.

Thank you. I got the yelling last night that she never has what she needs and it's all my fault.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:49 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you. I got the yelling last night that she never has what she needs and it's all my fault.

Some things you need to learn to tune out. You have certainly tried hard enough (by your description here) and it's NOT your fault. She will have to manage. It's normal teenage anxiety that's yelling at you, don't take it personally.

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 8:54 am

Chayalle wrote:

I told her we don't wear our favorite shirts or skirts every single day. She doesn't believe me. I'm waiting for her to accept reality.
I offered to buy her what her friends wear and she answered that they wear ugly clothing. I don't think peer pressure is much of an issue that way.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 9:00 am

amother OP wrote:

So now that you've said what needed to be said, the next step is to back off. You don't need to own her problems. Let her figure this out herself. You already put in enough effort. Get busy with something else (does your freezer need to be cleaned out or something?) and have no more time for this.

Her friends wear ugly clothing because they have accepted the reality.

You know something, my daughter is BEH getting married very soon, so we did more shopping than normal, in all the stores, this season...and we all agreed that the pickings were slim. In the fall, my older DD got married, and we found such beautiful clothes in the local stores. This season, we really didn't love what we saw. (my sister also made a wedding recently and she agreed.) So you know what, we had to buy what there is and we are wearing what we found. It's reality.

I don't love my gown but it fits (hopefully! I need to starve from now to the wedding) but there weren't tons of options in my size and price range, so this is what I'm wearing! If everyone doesn't come home from the wedding saying how gorgeous and statement Chayalle looked, too bad...It's ok.

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 9:10 am

Chayalle wrote:

Mazel tov! I'm sure you'll look beautiful even if it's not your favorite dress.

For my daughter, "ugly" means trendy. Her friends have very nice clothing because they're willing to change with the styles. Knee length is out but my daughter won't budge from it. I understand because she's on the shorter side but she is a perfectly normal size 2 and can wear anything she chooses.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 9:31 am

amother OP wrote:

Waiting for her to realize won't help her learn. You need to decide what is realistic and sensible for you to do to help her with shopping, and let her know clearly. No more guilt for you, you know you're a good mother.
Inevitably, she'll be pushed into a place that's uncomfortable for her. Let her be there, don't save her. That's where growth happens.