Overnight sitter - not sure how to handle

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amother

OP ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 11:49 am

Dh and I recently went away for a family simcha and left my klds with a sitter who is my toddler‘s teacher. The other kids were teens and preteens, but I couldn’t rely in them alone for care. It all seemed like a great idea because the youngest already knew the teacher and I expected that the teacher knew how to take care of her.

It didn’t quite work out like expected. I do need to say that the toddler is very spoiled, he doesn’t have a bedtime or a steady nap time but is rather very flexible and falls asleep at random times, even though we try to fight it as much as possible.

Okay so the first day (it was very hot) she took him to the park. Originally I suggested that she goes for 2 hours, she ended up staying for 4 which surprised me because she missed lunch that she was supposed to feed the kids (they ended up eating by themselves). My teens tell me that she didn’t do what’s best for toddler but rather what suited her best (because she didn’t listen to them).
She came home in the late afternoon and wanted to put the toddler to sleep. My kids were puzzled and argued with her that it doesn’t make sense. They ended up calling me and I also told that she needed to wait a couple of hours and also bathe him which she didn’t figure out by herself.

The toddler ended up falling asleep with my teen on both nights because she rejected the sitter. The sitter stayed up though with her door open, just in case.

I feel bad and don’t know if what had happened is in the range of normal or is it subpar. I think the sitter doesn’t have her own kids. Should I have left better instructions, do I have unrealistic expectations?

Now my toddler hates this teacher and my teen ended up doing most of the care at bedtime.
Do I say something to the teacher? I don’t think I would use her again.
Should I pay less than originally decided?

WWYD?

amother

Brass

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:09 pm

Very hard dynamic. Teens can be critical and they know him much better than she does.
Nothing is striking me as particularly neglectful. I think you still need to pay her what u originally made up but don’t use her again …

amother

Stoneblue ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:13 pm

I would pay her the amount you told her you would. Not fair not too. Don't use her again if you weren't happy.

amother

Olive

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:14 pm

You hired her to do a job which she did, you need to pay her.
I know you didn't ask and I know it isn't helpful, but personally I wouldn't hire a sitter if I have a teen that sounds as capable as yours.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

Do I say something to the teacher? I don’t think I would use her again.
Should I pay less than originally decided?

WWYD?

I dont understand why you think you can pay her less than was decided.
Just dont use her again.

Ruchel

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:19 pm

You have to pay the time she was there. I would tell her my kids did most of the care if that's true. When had Aydel ♥ my oldest wanted me to not take a sitter because she could do it and everyone would be free without some stranger. But I wasn't comfy for the nights. And for sure my kids hated how she forced new habits on them. Lol

mushkamothers

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:25 pm

If she doesn't have kids of her own and only has classroom experience then yes she won't know how to manage bedtime routine especially for multiple kids and ages.

In general whenever I get a babysitter, which is very rare, my expectation is that everyone is kept safe. That's it. The bar is very very low.

Pay her the agreed upon price.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:25 pm

To clarify, she didn’t give me the price and I was going to be very generous.
Now I feel like paying my teen because she had a hard time, on top of school work.

The other teen was almost never home during this time.

I felt like going away I need to have a grown up there. Sometimes my kids fight so I didn’t feel I could rely on them.

I agree that I didn’t expect teens to interfere with the sitter (I am happy they did) but I also didn’t expect her to do unreasonable things like put him to sleep for the night at 5 pm unbathed.

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:28 pm

I don't really understand hiring someone for a job without an agreed upon price, but in your case I would say pay the going rate, whatever is normal in your community. And get your teen a present.
Honestly, as a single girl I probably would not have wanted to take a job in a household with teens. That in itself is not easy. It's hard to take care of a child with teen interference (hey, I bet some mothers of teens would nod their heads at this.)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:31 pm

Chayalle wrote:

You are right.

I guess my teens confused me because they made it sound like she was horrible. Having written it down it looks okay even if not perfect. The toddler hating her is the unexpected turn.

amother

Hydrangea

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:44 pm

Teaching in a classroom is very different than babysitting at home.

Was the babysitter given clear instructions about bedtime routine ? Was she told to bathe her and what time to put her to bed? I don’t think any of that is intuitive. (I for one don’t Bathe my kids every night)

deena19k

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:45 pm

Of course you have to pay her the going rate. And honestly, you should have sat down with her before you left with exact written instructions including bedtime, bath etc. Things that seem so obvious to you and your teens may not be obvious to her.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:51 pm

amother Hydrangea wrote:

Not every night
But after the whole day spent in the sandbox I think the dirt is visible

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:58 pm

It sounds like she considered her job limited to watching the toddler. And even for that she was phoning it in.

I would pay the normal rate, no reductions. And then I would not use her again in any capacity.

amother

↑ Stoneblue ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not every night
But after the whole day spent in the sandbox I think the dirt is visible

your being a little unreasonable
sorry
your child is fine if they went to sleep without a bath one night especially since you didn't say please give child bath before bed every-night. nothing will happen
how many nights did this babysitter watch the child?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:02 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

Yes
I also forgot to mention that they picked up toys outside that someone left in the street… Like okay I understand my toddler probably wanted all of them but she could have thrown them away later… Do I need to come home to more clutter and unknown unsanitary toys?

Whatever I think it’s just a rant. You are all right, I will pay her what I originally intended and some more to my poor exhausted teen.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:03 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

I think I did say bathe him Sunday night. Maybe not in writing.

amother

Tanzanite

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:07 pm

OP, I wanted to validate you in saying I agree on how you feel-if someone performed a job badly, you don’t really want to pay them full price.
But BH your children are safe and you don’t need to use her anymore. I think your teen is more than sufficient

sweetpotato

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:11 pm

For a sitter you’re using for the first time, for overnight with a toddler, I think the definition of success is everyone stayed safe, supervised, and fed.

The sitter thinking the toddler would go to bed super early sounds like a non parent mentality but not poor supervision. The teacher sees the kids at school. They probably come in from play, lie on their mats, and sleep. She may have assumed bedtime works like that. This is why you need to go through routines in detail.

Toddlers are unpredictable and also very attached to routine. It doesn’t surprise me at all that the toddler wouldn’t do bedtime with the sitter. My preschooler does bedtime with my husband almost exclusively. It’s just the routine he’s used to. If my husband is out and I have to do bed my preschooler takes so much longer to fall asleep. He loves me but I’m not his bedtime person.

It’s also not surprising that the toddler “hates” the teacher now. Again toddlers thrive with routine. The teacher is at school, and then suddenly mommy is gone and the teacher is at home trying to put the toddler to bed. Your toddler is probably just a bit unsettled about the change. This is totally developmentally normal. Honestly it would be very unusual for a toddler to easily fall asleep with a new caregiver.

I’m sure your toddler will readjust to having positive associations with the teacher quickly because toddlers are also very resilient and have short memories Smile

And I’m also sure that the teacher could continue to be a reliable sitter and will improve on some of the routine parts with more experience with your family. Every kid/family is different, there’s always a learning curve. Sounds like this sitter kept your toddler safe and entertained and was a responsible adult in the home for your older kids in case of Chas v shalom a true emergency.

In terms of paying you should always have an agreed on price and then a tip you keep in mind for excellent service.

Cheiny

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 2:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

You are right.

I guess my teens confused me because they made it sound like she was horrible. Having written it down it looks okay even if not perfect. The toddler hating her is the unexpected turn.

Your toddler probably picked up on the cues from your other kids.
If you didn’t leave her specific instructions on how you wanted things done, and on what schedule, I don’t know how you could expect her to know everything on her own about how best to handle your little one whom you said can be challenging ie. no regular bedtime or naps, etc.

Of course you should pay her what you were planning to. She spent all that overnight time and did not neglect or mistreat your kids. She spent 4 hours in the park, etc.

As for your teens, they probably felt good “knowing better” than the babysitter and enjoyed taking over. I don’t think they necessarily need to be rewarded for being responsible and helping take care of their sibling. If you wanted to entrust them on their own to take care of the child you could’ve not hired the babysitter and then it would be appropriate to reward the teens for doing all the caring for their sibling.

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