Spoiled my kids, they won't help

amother

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 7:12 am

I messed up. Kids ranging from age 4 to 10. If I ask any of them to help with general tidying up (put the shoes away, put these toys away, clear the floor of this room etc.) they throw a fit, complaining, crying, blaming each other.

I have chronic health issues. I am too tired to come up with energetic, creative ways to encourage them, but I also can't do it all myself and don't believe they should be leaving a mess and expecting me to clear it up anymore. I know I went wrong when the older ones were younger, and I need to fix it.

It's particular to helping, they seem okay with the listening in other areas.

Help me...

amother

Nasturtium

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 7:20 am

Honestly, parenting requires of you to be creative and up front with your kids to motivate them and encourage them to listen to you.

When you have the resolve, talk to your kids about what you expect and follow through.

You can do it

It’s definitely not to late

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 7:45 am

There’s a game called Hot Monkey where you say that you are thinking of an object and whoever is the one to clean up that object wins the game. (Can have a prize or not). Then they all run around to clean every object.

Also I have a 10 minute timer and say we are all cleaning for 10 minutes. My kids are a little older. Also I break it down into rooms and tasks - my big boy is good at neatening the papers in the living room and my little girl is better at cleaning her own room.

Lastly if you are already going on an outing especially during these weeks, like you want to take them to Amazing Savings or the beach or something, then make it a prize for cleaning up. « I’m going to inspect - if it’s clean then you get to go to Slurpees ». Things like that.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 7:58 am

You can have charts where they get a sticker for doing what you said and earn a prize.

But I think it’s more about how you say it. I use my no nonsense voice and say everyone pick up your clothing put it in your hamper. They whine I say I’m not discussing it, and repeat pick up your clothing. I say I’m standing here and waiting. I’m about to start counting. Sounds like you need to use a firm voice and let them know it’s not debate and you aren’t there to listen to why they won’t do it or listen to blame. I also found when I said now is the time you are all cleaning up works better than saying Chaim go clean your Lego. So it’s time to clean up, Leah you do this, Esty you do that, they whine you say these are the jobs I gave you that’s what you are cleaning now.

Once you get them used to listening you can say come let’s listen to music while you all clean and make it more fun. But I do think you need to be firm first. Also you likely need to be there, sitting in that room staying on top of it. You can’t just say clean the playroom and then walk off to the kitchen.

amother

Whitewash

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 11:31 am

Family meeting with both parents if possible where you explain that things are going to be different now. Have a list with all the chores that need to get done that are age-appropriate for the kids to help with. Nothing too hard because you're just starting. As a family they can choose to either rotate the chores weekly or to each choose their favorite and be in charge of that. Once in a while when you see someone is doing a great job you slip them a little treat with a note.

And just saying I ttly hear you - there are so many parenting ideas I have that I just can't seem to implement because of my physical lack of ability. It's tough. Hope you can work out something here that works for you!

amother

IndianRed

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 11:43 am

I am dealing with the same thing but my kids are a little older. Which means, they are very capable to help out or at least clean up after themselves.
Each child has another excuse…
One child by nature is quite sloppy and it’s really hard for that child to be neat.
Another child is very weighed down with school work and is constantly getting sick, is always very tired so this child often gets off the hook.
Another child is very troubled and rebellious and I have to choose my battles.
Another one is young and sees the older ones aren’t helping so why am I asking that child to help?
It’s really a problem.
I’m very upset with my children.
They go to friends houses and tell me how clean and organized their friends houses are… and they don’t even try to make their house look the same.
I especially want a little help before shabbos. And after the meals. I tried asking the kids to each clear off 7 things from the shabbos table… nothing happened until I yelled and really became angry.
I’m at a loss.
I don’t want to be angry and I don’t want to clean up after them when they are capable.
It’s basic middos to help your mother.
It makes me very sad that they don’t want to help me.

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 11:50 am

Same issue here. In this house it does boil down to them not listening and having poor executive functioning. The house is a mess because they leave their stuff everywhere but no one cleans up or helps when I tell them to or ask.
They ignore or make some kind of excuse or say ok and don't do it.

tree of life

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 11:55 am

Ok first of all hugs for your chronic illness
Moving forward don't go back start bribing have a chart with list of amount for each chore then hopefully the kids will do it
Use paper ware so you don't have to stand up washing up while they are sleeping
Have a plastic box in each room and tell the kids you are going to throw everything in site in it then after two days if not claimed in the bin

amother

DarkCyan

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:02 am

Yes, chronic health condition here too.

I find that all the "just be firm and stand there until they do it" is really hard for me to implement bc of being physically unwell. I remember thinking that was the way to go too when I was 18 and much healthier. Especially because you are not talking about a one time thing, this needs to happen consistently.

(My degree is in education and I have worked in camps and schools.)

My kids are young still and I also want them to learn a good work ethic (or helping out ethic) but it's hard when I myself can't do a lot of it. I do try to show them a good example by starting with them.

I do think the ideas of putting on a 10 minute timer and music are great, with a small reward at the end. Let's do as much as we can before the timer beeps and whoever helps gets ices or whatever. (my kids are still toddlers so I give them a sticker and they love that).

My DH , Baruch Hashem , gets them to put away all their toys when he is home before they are in bed but he works long hours so it doesn't happen every day.

To the poster who said they don't want to be angry, and that she is sad that her kids don't want to help her, I would say maybe show that vulnerability and dig deep to find the hurt underneath the anger. I have tried this with my kids when not listening to me asking for help, and they have responded really well (saying "sorry Mommy, love you, we will help now"). Felt like a miracle as opposed to when I am raging at them and they just sit there with a "don't care what you say you can't make me" expression.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:24 am

Its not too late. You can still encourage positive behavior. My father used to say to help for 5 minutes. Lately when I do that with my kids who range from 3 to 13 they are willing. And then they see that all we needed was 5 minutes of group effort. Someone collects books, another does toys and someone sweeps. And then everyone sees how much of a difference it makes and we praise everyone. I do it at least twice a week and that's all that is needed.