Is this something to tell host in advance?

↑ imaima ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:32 am

amother Phlox wrote:

When I have guests I work really hard making lots of extra food. I make things that I know how to make well and have gotten compliments on in the past. I also make a lot of different things so there’s variety since everyone likes something different.
I really work hard so it should be enjoyable for the guests.
It’s so hurtful to have a guest just sit there and not eat anything after I worked so hard to make it nice.
If you are just coming for the company please let me know that. I make so much extra when guests are coming. Even if it’s just 1 extra person. It’s hours and hours of extra work in the kitchen and I’m happy to do it thinking how much you will enjoy the food.

That’s usually a sign for me that it’s probably not as healthy.
Healthy foods are easy- just roast everything, raw salads etc.

Everything wrapped in pastries, cakes, things individually fried are much more time consuming and labor intensive.

amother

↑ Lightgray

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:34 am

imaima wrote:

Don’t agree
In this case rather tell the host I will just eat chicken ans salads, no starches. I think just a disclaimer with no expectations is fine

And what if the host wasn’t planning on chicken or salad? What if she was planning beef and other sides?

I’ve been hostess when a guest starts explaining why she’s not eating x or y ‘I’m watching my carbs’ or ‘I’m trying to be ‘good’ and it’s really awful because the other guests wither look down at their plate or food awkwardly as they pick at their kugel, or they all start discussing diets and how they’re cheating or worse yet they stop eating. It’s a real mood killer and frankly not a nice thing to do to the host. I absolutely am firm in my position that diets should be on your own cheshbon not your host

↑ imaima ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:35 am

watergirl wrote:

If my guest told me she is a health nut or health conscious and requested that I accommodate that preference (key being preference - not medical requirement), I would honestly be offended and take it as a slight, because it gives off an air of "I am assuming your menu is not healthy".

I would tell her what I plan to make and give her the option of coming or declining. I would not change my menu.

Tonight, I am making tilapia (olive oil, lemon, garlic, paprika), baked ziti (regular pasta, sauce, cottage cheese, mozzarella, spices), salad (just a garden salad, pareve), and quiche (regular pie crust, eggs, heavy cream, cheese, broccoli). Cheesecake for dessert. Is that healthy? No. Are there decent options? I think so. A guest can come or decline but I'm not changing my menu to accommodate a preference.

I agree that this particular wording is bad.
Everyone assumes that they are not killing anyone with their food.
So when the guest says „I prefer healthy“, a logical question would be „Isn’t what I serve healthy?“

One should specify what exactly they don’t eat.

↑ imaima ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:37 am

amother Lightgray wrote:

No need to get stuck on particular words.
One can say protein and vegetables
Are you happy now?

Why should a guest explain anything? I don’t agree with the obligation to eat to make a host happy!!

amother

Puce

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:37 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

I've had 2 situations which were awkward.

Someone called me thursday if I could host a single girl in the area. I agreed. Only late that night did she inform me that my guest has celiac and she'll bring her own challah and I shouldn't worry. My entire menu had flour in it. Every last thing (minus the chicken soup). I had to quickly change my menu. I tend not to serve salad Friday night. There was gluten free gefilta, chicken and kugel and even pareve ice cream for desert. But you could see on her face she was expecting a vegetable/salad too. But with last minute notice, it was hard to fully accommodate.

As someone with celiac, I don't expect people to have to change around everything for me. When I eat out, I fully expect there will be food I cannot eat. One of the reasons why I find it easier to just eat at home. But the same way at home I don't make everything gluten free for the rest of the family, I don't expect others to.
I don't think guests should be having 'expectations' that everything will be to their liking. Then again I'm probably almost old enough to be the girl's mother and hopefully mature enough to understand not everything is my way and be flexible.
I don't think diet though is enough of a reason to upset a host. I would eat the foods that I can eat and thank them for everything. I think it's easier in a larger gathering or with multiple children as it's not as obvious what people are or aren't eating. If it's just a couple with another couple and it's a small table, it's much harder not to notice if the guest is only eaten 3 bites of salad.

↑ imaima ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:48 am

amother Lightgray wrote:

Not eating some foods is completely on the guest. He is not imposing his ideas on the host, he just decides what he eats from whatever is available.
A host who expects the guest to eat all or most things or offer an explanation (!!!) imposes on the guest‘s personal space and agency over their own body.

The host‘s self esteem should be on the host‘s own cheshbon and shouldn’t depend on the guest.

I think noone will argue with the idea that we host with the understanding that not everything might be liked or eaten by everyone.

amother

Honeydew ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 9:53 am

Part of the conversation is cost.
If I served fish, chicken, meat, puff pastry, expensive checked vegetables, etc and my guest didn't touch it because they can't or won't eat it, it makes me feel bad and stresses me out.
I bought this fish or meat at $12/lb. The least you can do is tell me that you won't eat it with honey glaze or barbecuing sauce or whatever.
Maybe I would have adjusted my recipes or maybe I would have bought less puff pastry or ice cream.

amother

↑ Periwinkle ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 10:00 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

I feel that allergy or celiac or even lactose intolerant is a reason to tell them in advace.

To tell them them your food preferences is not really ok. They may have already planned their menu, shopped and cooked. If you are health conscience you have a few choices. "Cheat" --doing it once won't be the end of the world. Or don't accept an invitation. Or say I am very particular on what I eat, I want to spend time with you, why don't I host. Or say, thanks for the invite, can I bring a dish. And make something you'd eat.

I’m off sugar and wheat and won’t be home for yom tov. I called my host we went over the menu and I’m going to bring along some of my own food to make up for what I can’t eat and will rewarm some food from other meals as well. She was totally ok with it and very happy to accommodate
I worked very hard to lose 45lbs and not going to risk gaining any of it back.

↑ imaima ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 10:30 am

amother Sage wrote:

It also depends on the relationship and how much I actually want them to come. Is it my pleasure to have them and a labor of love or a imposition/social obligation.
My mom or married DD-absolutely. My best friend-of course.
My DH’s old chevruta’s wife-I’m rolling my eyes at her.

Then you shouldn’t be offended that she won‘t eat some things.

↑ imaima ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 10:38 am

amother Honeydew wrote:

This is also important.
How often the food is ruined by a sauce or a dressing.

amother

Petunia

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 10:46 am

amother OP wrote:

I eat healthy, is that something a host needs to know in advance? I'm not off anything in particular but I try to eat as healthy as I can.
If I go to a meal that's just pastas cheesecakes and puff pastry types of things, I won't have much I would like to eat.
What do you think? What's the protocol as a guest? If I am supposed to say in advance how would I word it?

No! Unless you are allergic or have a medical concern you don’t give your host your food preferences.
I eat healthy. I’m going to be a guest for a meal by someone I know will serve pasta and cheesecake. I am sending a sushi platter as a gift so I know I won’t be hungry and because that is polite.
I know I’ll have to eat again when I get home.

amother

↑ Periwinkle

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 10:49 am

amother Sage wrote:

100% bring your own. I’m not offended by that at all.

But some people would be, that’s why I call and ask what she is serving and say I will bring my own so when the host would rather make food for me that gives her the opportunity to offer and if she would rather I bring along my food she says ok

AshkenazMom

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 11:01 am

I eat healthy. Some years ago, I struggled every time I went to some home for YT or Shabbat.
I never said anything in advance, however, when was a small dinner I always was asked about why I wasn't eating anything. I started to offer for default to bring something, in that talk I just tell the host I eat and cook healthy food. She always prepare some extra salads of baked vegetables.

amother

↑ Winterberry

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 11:02 am

Quote:

She would have literally had nothing at all to eat. I had planned an appetizer that has wheat, breaded chicken, couscous, and an apple kugel. Other than my chicken soup, every last food item would have had gluten.

Agreed there can be food she may not be able to eat, but I need to make sure there was something she could eat. My son has severe food allergies to nuts, peanuts, and dairy. He is sometimes invited out for meals from yeshiva (or even food in yeshiva). He lets them know what he's allergic to and asks what is safe for him eat. (not airborne) He understands that there will be foods he can't eat and totally OK with it. But he has turned down an offer for a dairy shavuous meal invite as he knew he wouldn't be able to eat. He wasn't asking the host to change their menu for him.

I have high cholesterol and I'm careful what I eat at home. But when we go away, I cheat. One meal won't make or break things. I don't stress.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jun 11 2024, 11:04 am

Reading this thread:
-some are offended if you bring your own
-some say bring your own
-some say just eat whatever you can but don't say in advance.
- some say not eating what the host makes is offensive.

This is why I'm confused. Usually I don't say anything and just figure it out. I always offer to bring something but if the host says no, I can't push.

I saw lots of menus and realized I'd probably not eat anything much at these meals. I don't want to be rude though.

It seems everyone has a different opinion.

I have health concerns and I had to change my lifestyle a few years go. I don't want to impose on others, I usually just have the proteins and vegetables.